PARENTS, CHILDREN AND THE FACTS OF LIFE
Text on Sex Education for Christian Parents and for Those Concerned with Helping Parents
by HENRY V. SATTLER, C.SS.R., Ph.D.
Assistant Director, Family Life Bureau
National Catholic Welfare Conference
With a Foreword by:
FRANCIS J. CONNELL, C.SS.R., S.T.D.
Professor Emeritus of Moral Theology
Catholic University of America
ST. ANTHONY GUILD PRESS, PATERSON, N.J.
COPYRIGHT, 1952, BY ST. ANTHONY'S GUILD
Imprimi potest:
John Sephton, C.SS.R., Sup. Prov.
October 13, 1951
Nihil obstat:
Bede Babo, O.S.B., Censor Librorum
Imprimatur:
+ Thomas A. Boland, Bishop of Paterson
October 22, 1952
CONTENTS
I. GETTING OUR BEARINGS
II. THE CHURCH AND SEX EDUCATION
III. WHOSE DUTY IS SEX EDUCATION?
IV. GENERAL NORMS FOR SEX EDUCATION
V. RELIGIOUS CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: I
(Vocation, Sex, and the Purpose of Life)
VI. RELIGIOUS CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: II
(The Challenge to Purity; Means To Attain It)
VII. MORAL CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: I
(Chastity--Principles I and II)
VIII. MORAL CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: II
(Modesty--Principles III and IV)
IX. EMOTIONAL ATTITUDES TOWARD SEX AND SEX EDUCATION
X. PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS IN CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION
XI. PHYSIOLOGICAL CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION
XII. DANGERS TO PURITY
XIII. REMOTE PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
XIV. IMMEDIATE PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
CONCLUSION
BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE
INDEX
FOREWORD
The right and duty to educate children belongs in the first place
to those who gave them life, their parents. Indeed, the education
of the young is so intimately bound up with parenthood that the
Catholic Church has always regarded it as pertaining to the
primary end of matrimony. Parents may--and usually do--depute to
professional teachers the task of instructing their boys and
girls in the various branches of natural knowledge that make up
the curriculum of schools and colleges. Catholic parents may
delegate even a portion of the spiritual training of their
children to the teachers in the parochial schools. But parents
may not entirely consign to others the task of providing for the
moral and religious formation of their sons and daughters.
Almighty God, who has conferred on a married couple the privilege
of bringing children into the world, has commanded that they
actively and earnestly help those children to know, love and
serve Him in this life, so that they will be happy with Him
forever in the life beyond the grave.
One of the most important phases in this parental duty of
promoting the spiritual welfare of the young is sex education.
Unfortunately, to many parents this means nothing more than the
imparting of biological facts concerning the process of
procreation and the measures to be taken in order to avoid
disease. To Catholics, sex education means much more than this.
It signifies, primarily, the training of boys and girls to be
pure and innocent, and eventually to enter marriage with a noble
and holy purpose, if God calls them to that state of life.
However, as most parents would readily admit, the proper
fulfillment of this task is by no means easy. The embarrassment
that is likely to accompany the frank discussion of so delicate
and personal a matter, the difficulty of choosing the right
terms, and the fear that the child will ask questions which they
may not be able to answer deter many parents from undertaking
their duty, despite the unquestionable fact that in this age of
blatant indecency and sexual license the proper sex education of
adolescents is vitally necessary if their chastity is to be
preserved.
The present volume is intended to help parents fulfill this
particular duty in the training of their boys and girls. Father
Sattler has treated the subject clearly and thoroughly. What
parents should tell their children, when and how they should tell
it, what psychological and moral dangers they must avoid in
giving sex instruction, what questions they must expect--these
and many other pertinent problems are discussed in detail and
answered in a simple and sensible manner.
In propounding the method to be followed and the expressions to
be employed for imparting sex information, Father Sattler has
avoided two extremes which could easily spoil the instruction: on
the one hand, vague and unsatisfying statements which are likely
to arouse undue curiosity, and on the other hand, vivid and
stimulating descriptions that may be a proximate occasion of sin
to youthful hearers. Parents who follow the plan suggested in
this book will do more than give their children all the knowledge
they need at the appropriate time. They will also impart it in a
calm and natural way that causes no emotional shock but rather
instills into the minds of their boys and girls a spirit of
respect and reverence for the sexual power whereby human beings
can co-operate with God toward the propagation of citizens for
the kingdom of heaven.
Father Sattler bases his teachings on the rules laid down by the
Catholic Church for the sex training of the young, and
particularly on the directions given by two of our recent Popes,
Pius XI and Pius XII. He emphasizes the important fact that
innocence (which is most desirable) is very different from
ignorance (which may be a grave menace to the innocence of
adolescents in this godless age). And he consistently applies the
accepted principles of Catholic theology to the many concrete
cases which constitute a very practical feature of this book.
In the questions and discussion aids which are found at the end
of each chapter Father Sattler has made a distinctively valuable
pedagogical contribution. Parents who give serious thought to
these problems will find their understanding of the text
clarified and co-ordinated. The benefit is greatly increased when
a group of parents discuss these points frankly and honestly. It
should likewise be noted that this book will also help teachers
to discover and fulfill their function in chastity education as
delegates and helpers in what is essentially a parental duty.
Although much that is contained in this book could be utilized
with profit by persons of any religious creed, the book is
intended primarily for Catholic parents. The Catholic Church is
fully aware that the faith and loyalty of her members can be best
assured when they possess an intelligent and logical grasp of the
Church's teachings. For this reason, the Confraternity of
Christian Doctrine approves this work as an outstanding
contribution toward promoting a better understanding of Catholic
teaching and toward inspiring both parents and children to
practice fervently the glorious virtue of chastity, to which the
Son of God attached the sublime promise: "Blessed are the clean
of heart, for they shall see God."
FRANCIS J. CONNELL, C.SS.R., S.T.D.
Professor Emeritus of Moral Theology Catholic University of
America
INTRODUCTION
Did a faint glimmer of hope spring up in your mind as you took
this book down from the shelf or out of its wrapper? Did you say,
perhaps: "At last, a book on sex education for ordinary parents,
and not for teachers or for the children themselves"? Or were you
rather skeptical: "Another book on sex education? I wonder
whether this one will really help?" Yes, Dad or Mother, this book
is really for you. It is not directed at you like a command or a
sermon, but it's an answer to your own demand. The Parent-
Educator Committee of the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine,
under a barrage of appeals from parents, asked the author to
attempt this work. Not only is this book written for you and at
your demand, but, to a large extent, it was written by you, since
nearly every practical hint in its pages has come from parents
themselves. The author has merely supplied the scientific
framework, and the emotional, moral and religious setting within
which your practical ideas have been or can be utilized.
Have you hesitated to educate your children in matters of sex? If
so, has your indecision arisen from the constant disputes of the
specialists? (For example, "Bathe young children of both sexes
together." "No, don't do that!"--"Tell them all the facts at
once, and early." "It is best to tell them the facts gradually."-
-"Give them a birds-and-bees story." "You'll only confuse them if
you do!"--"Always use medical terms." "Don't use medical terms.")
We are hopeful that this book will enable you
to judge the value of such statements and choose the safe and
correct procedure in your home.
Have you shrunk from your duty because it seemed to demand
specialized training? Too long have you been the whipping posts
of the specialists. Logically, they are likely to say that you no
longer have the right to bear children. By scathing criticism and
technical language, the specialists have persuaded many a parent
to give the child's body entirely to doctors, his mind to
teachers, his emotions and character to psychiatrists. Such a
parent will not make a move without consulting a trained person.
This is foolish because common sense is still one of the best
ways to approach reality. Specialists certainly have their value
in helping you to bring up your children. You learn about hygiene
from a doctor, or you call him in when you meet an insurmountable
problem like a broken leg. But when your child skins his knee,
you yourself are a "general practitioner" of medicine. In the
same way, with the help of this book you can make yourself a
general practitioner of sex education. You need a specialist only
for insoluble cases.
Have your own experiences in this matter of sex education puzzled
you? Do you think you received too little, or too much, sex
education? Do you feel that the pagan surroundings in which your
child must live demand special helps which you are not qualified
to give? This volume will help you form some definite answers to
these questions.
Lastly, do you fear that your sex instruction might endanger your
children's chastity instead of protecting it? We hope that these
pages will give you a confidence which, tempered with caution,
will fit you to judge what to say and what to do.
To make the best use of the ideas within these covers, we suggest
that you discuss them with others. We have in mind Parent-
Educator Discussion Clubs, Cana Clubs, Parent-Teacher
Associations, and similar groups, especially if both men and
women are included in them. If you do not belong to such a group,
or cannot form one, at least try to discuss the material with
your husband or wife.
Discussion is valuable for many reasons. First, it will make you
familiar with the correct words. If you can clearly and chastely
express yourself on sex to some adult, you will find it easier to
express yourself to your children. Second, such discussions will
create an attitude of calmness and a sensible confidence in your
own common sense and abilities. Third, discussion will help make
difficult points clear. If two or more people thrash out the
meaning of a paragraph, they can more easily avoid
misunderstanding it. Fourth, the sexes think and feel
differently. Indeed, the experience of maturing sexually is to
some extent different for every man and woman. If all pool their
information, they will understand their boys and girls better and
will more neatly adapt their helps to the needs of each age and
sex. Fifth, parents on the same footing in society will find
common problems arising, for example, problems concerning dating,
dress, curfew, etc. Common action will be more effective in
bringing about sensible reforms. And last, discussion in groups
will convince you that, despite many individual differences, the
experiences of parents are remarkably similar. Such a conviction
will relieve you of a number of needless worries.
The questions added at the end of each chapter will facilitate
discussion. But beware! The questions are not of the usual sort.
They will not only ask you what you have learned from the
chapter, but they will also propose problems for solution.
Sometimes solutions will be suggested and sometimes not. The wish
is to stimulate your Catholic observation, judgment, and
reasonable action. Should these questions seem too numerous,
check those you think most important before you discuss a
chapter. If several people of your group check the same five or
six questions, they are the important questions for you.
The length and detail of this book might tempt you to throw up
your hands in despair because there seems to be so much to
remember. But in fact there is very little. The book is long
because there are so many false ideas on sex education to be
refuted. Once this has been done, and you have absorbed the right
sane and healthy attitudes, you need memorize only a few facts, a
few terms, and a few moral principles--four, to be exact. Surely,
any grade school graduate is capable of understanding and using
the ideas in these pages.
Though written for parents, and indeed, because written for
parents, this volume should also be of value for teachers and
priests. The material contained here will enable them to support
and help parents in their duty of sex education. The various
chapters will also aid teachers and priests to find their own
place when and if it becomes necessary to supplement parental
work, or perhaps to supply parental omissions. BUT, ABOVE ALL,
THIS BOOK SHOULD HELP PREVENT THE DISASTROUS ERROR OF TAKING ONE
MORE PARENTAL FUNCTION OUT OF THE HOME.
That your mind may be at rest concerning the reliability of this
work, it should be mentioned that it has been subjected to a
double ecclesiastical censorship, and has received the approval,
besides, of a wide variety of experts: two Catholic teachers in
public schools, three lay-religious teachers in Catholic high
schools, three nuns, all experienced teachers, two doctors, two
moral theologians, two psychiatrists, a psychiatrist-philosopher,
a pastor of some twenty-five years' experience, a successful
counselor of adolescents, three experienced parish missionaries,
a sociologist of some renown in the field of marriage, and some
ten married couples with children of various ages. It also has
the full approbation of the national Confraternity of Christian
Doctrine.
HENRY V. SATTLER, C.SS.R., Ph.D.
FAMILY LIFE BUREAU, N.C.W.C.
1312 MASSACHUSETTS AVENUE, N.W.
WASHINGTON 5, D. C.
TO
SAINT MARIA GORETTI
Martyred for Her Love of
Chastity and Modesty
CHAPTER I: GETTING OUR BEARINGS
There is scarcely a field in which the terms are so unsettled as
in the field of sex education. For one thing, these terms have
many shades of meaning, which often vary with the person using
them. Again, some of the words are long and cumbersome; yet in
many cases we must use these technical words if we are not to use
the vulgar words.
The best thing, then, is to begin at the beginning by learning
the expressions and the meanings we shall need.
SEX
This is a "scare word" in much of modern speech and writing. To
most people it means the bodily differences between male and
female and the intense pleasure associated with the organs of
sex. This latter is called sex pleasure, or venereal pleasure. It
is unfortunate that the word "sex" has become associated so
exclusively with the act of sexual union. (Sexual union is the
act by which children are begotten; also called the marital act,
marital intercourse, coitus, or sexual relations.) Actually, an
individual is a member of his sex in every fiber of his being,
not only in those physical organs by which he differs from the
other sex. A man is a man, and a woman is a woman, in thinking,
reasoning, feeling, emotions, and in bodily characteristics. The
true meaning of sex is this: the God-given character of being
male or female. The physical differences are an indication of a
complete difference between the sexes in every sphere, for the
sexes could not be more different than they are and remain
members of the human race.
The word "intercourse" has come to signify the act of sexual
union. When coupled with the word "marital" or "conjugal,"
scarcely any other meaning is accepted by the modern mind. It
should mean mutual exchange, communication, fellowship. Even
marital intercourse should mean the whole common life, the give-
and-take of husband and wife in married life, and not merely
their physical relations.
SEX EDUCATION--SEX INSTRUCTION
If, taken strictly, "sex" means the character of being male or
female, then "sex education" should mean the education of a boy
to be a man and of a girl to be a woman. "Sex instruction" should
mean the imparting of those facts which a man or woman should
know. As a matter of fact, in popular usage, these phrases do not
mean that. Even "education" and "instruction" are not definite
terms. Many people use one for the other, but strictly speaking,
instruction means imparting knowledge. A boy is instructed in
history or mathematics. Education means the systematic
cultivation of all the natural powers of a person. It means not
only information, but training. A child is educated when he has
all the information, attitudes, religious and moral training, and
emotional growth that he should have at his level of development.
Instruction may stop at any age. Education can and should
continue for life.
To get down to our topic--what is sex education? As stated above,
the term should mean the developing of a boy to full manhood and
of a girl to full womanhood. It is too bad that we cannot use the
term in that sense, but if we did, we would not be understood.
For our purpose, then, sex education will mean the full training
of boys and girls to enable them to meet and solve the problems
that arise in connection with the instinct of procreation. It
includes the necessary instruction in the "facts of life," but it
goes far beyond that. Good sex education includes training in
attitudes toward this problem, the teaching of religious and
moral principles, safeguarding the emotional approaches, as well
as many other, lesser things; all of which will provide a mature
outlook on the so-called sexual problem.
A boy or girl who knows all the "facts of life" is instructed in
sex, but is he or she educated? Does the boy or girl know when
the sexual functions are to be exercised? Do they know what is
right or wrong concerning sex? Have they learned self-control?
How does the growing girl feel about motherhood? Does the boy
look upon the girl merely as a source of physical pleasure, or as
a future mother, companion and helpmate? The correct answers to
these and a hundred other questions will indicate whether one is
educated in this matter. Mere instruction on the "facts of life"
may take but a few minutes. Sex education takes the whole
lifetime of the child from its earliest years up to maturity.
CHASTITY
Ultimately, sex education means training in the virtues which
regulate the sexual appetite. These virtues are chastity and
modesty. What is chastity? "It is," says Davis, "the moral virtue
that controls in the married, and altogether excludes in the
unmarried, all voluntary expression of the appetite for venereal
pleasure."[1] All voluntary expression, let us repeat, whether in
thought, desire or act.
Chastity is to be practiced by every human being. Married people
sometimes think that, since only religious take a "vow of
chastity," the married cannot possess this virtue. On the
contrary, there is a law of chastity for married people,
regulating their use of venereal pleasure, and therefore a virtue
of chastity that they must practice. Priests and religious bind
themselves to practice virginal chastity, that is, to avoid all
voluntary venereal pleasure in thought, desire and action.
Husbands and wives must practice the chastity of their state;
that is, they must avoid all acts, desires and thoughts contrary
to the rights of marriage. For an individual to remain chaste
throughout life means that he abstains from all willful sexual
activity while he remains unmarried; and that in marriage he uses
his sexual functions without sin.
It is common to speak of purity as identical with chastity; and
though, strictly speaking, we may use the term "purity" in
reference to other than sexual matters, we shall accept the
identity here. The vice opposed to chastity, or purity, is called
unchastity or, more commonly, impurity.
MODESTY
Many people confuse purity or chastity with modesty. There is a
relation between them, but one is not the other. Modesty is the
hedge which surrounds and protects chastity. "Modesty is the
virtue which controls those acts which, though not evil in
themselves, may induce in oneself or in others an incitement to
lust or venereal pleasure" (ibid.). For example, an impure
thought would be the voluntary imagination of oneself enjoying
illicit venereal pleasure. An immodest thought might be the image
of the nude form of a person of the other sex. A scanty bathing
suit would be immodest dress; it could not rightly be called
impure. A caress could be an immodest action because it might
cause impure feelings. Fornication (sexual intercourse between
unmarried persons) or masturbation (indulging in complete sexual
pleasure alone) are impure, or unchaste, acts.
Both chastity and modesty come under the Sixth and Ninth
Commandments. Deliberate unchaste acts are always mortal sins.
Immodest acts may be mortal, venial, or no sin at all.[2]
These distinctions will be fully clarified in our treatment of
the moral principles concerning sex (Chapters VII and VIII).
INNOCENCE--IGNORANCE
A young child is both ignorant and innocent of many things. He is
ignorant of these things because he lacks knowledge of them. He
is innocent because he is free from the taint of evil or personal
sin. In its strictest sense, innocence means freedom from the
personal experience of evil or sin. Now, a child may be ignorant
of many things in the sexual sphere and yet be far from innocent.
He may not know all the purposes of his body, yet he may have
contracted an evil habit which he knows is sinful; for example,
masturbation. On the other hand, he may be far from ignorant and
yet innocent. He may know the essential "facts of life" and still
remain pure.
Though ignorance of many facts may help in early life to
safeguard a child's innocence, after a certain time ignorance is,
if anything, a danger to his innocence. For example, if at the
end of grade school a boy were still ignorant of the holy purpose
of his sexual organs, his innocence would certainly be
endangered. Such a boy might be led into evil habits without
realizing it until they became almost too strong to be overcome.
Therefore a child should not be kept ignorant of a reasonable
amount of sex knowledge in accordance with his age. This
knowledge is good and concerns a good thing, because sexual
things are good; indeed, they are holy, since they are created by
God.
On the other hand, it may be said in general that a child should
be ignorant of evil as long as is reasonably possible. We mean by
this that he should not have even a theoretical knowledge of
sexual sins until such knowledge is needful for him. St. Thomas
warns us that too much consideration of vile things distracts us
from good thoughts, and because of our fallen human nature,
thoughts of evil may captivate our wills.[3] Despite this danger,
however, some theoretical knowledge of evil is progressively
necessary exactly in order that a growing youth, by building up
his defenses against evil, may maintain his innocence.
This discussion about innocence and two kinds of ignorance can
best be illustrated from the story of the Annunciation (Luke
1:26-38). Our Blessed Lady was certainly innocent of all sin.
Probably, she was also ignorant of sexual crimes and abuses.
Nevertheless, her understanding of the angel's message, and her
question--"How shall this happen, since I do not know man?"--show
that she knew the ordinary sexual facts of procreation,
conception and birth. According to tradition, at the time of the
Annunciation Our Lady was between fourteen and sixteen years of
age.
KNOWING WORDS AND IGNORANCE
We must not confuse knowledge of certain sexual words with
genuine knowledge. Many children can use very "knowing" terms
which nevertheless cloak a startling ignorance. Sometimes a child
will speak knowingly, but only in order to learn more without
asking a direct question. Parents must learn to judge what is
behind such words. They are the only ones who can. Adolescents
are anxious never to admit to their companions that they are in
the dark on the subject of sex. Some even pretend to a lack of
innocence; it is considered "smart" to lay claim to great sins in
this regard. This makes it very difficult for the inquiring
adolescent to know what is right and good. Therefore, parents
must be extremely watchful and intelligent in guiding them.
SEX EDUCATION AS PART OF GENERAL EDUCATION
The modern world has an odd approach to life. So many people live
their lives in compartments. They speak of religious life, home
life, business life, and even sex life, as if these various
spheres were boxed-off areas of activity without relationship to
one another. To many, religion has come to mean going to church
on Sunday, and nothing more. How often have you heard it said
that religion has no place in politics, no place in business?
Again, medicine has been largely divorced from morality. Law has
become impersonal and often takes little account of human
factors. Sex has become a department of life, a series of
personal experiments cut off from everything else, at times not
even connected with marriage. Very few people have really tried
to integrate their living into a unified pattern.
Many an educator has accepted this error. He is like a chemist
before his row of bottles. He uses, let us say, two drops of
mathematics, three of history, three of geography, two of
English, one drop of religion, and three drops of sex
instruction. No wonder the mixture at times becomes explosive!
There is no plan or order in such education; no unity, in which
every part of life has its proper relation to every other part.
This holds above all for sex education. Sex is not a special
subject to be taught at a special place or at a special time. It
is true that in this book we are making a study of this one side
of life. But that is for the instruction of parents and teachers.
We must warn against the temptation to try to teach "sex" as a
particular "branch of knowledge" to a child. Such an effort could
well be disastrous. It cannot be repeated too often that mature
education on sexual matters is only one fiber in the fabric of
life.
If sex education is made an isolated process, we shall never
succeed in educating the child to a chaste life. The reason is
simple. There is scarcely a stronger impulse in human beings than
the sexual impulse. Our fallen nature, under the curse of
original sin, tends downward; and children, besides, have the
weakness of childhood. If sex is singled out for separate study
by a child, his attention is focused, without any sort of
protective balance, upon his most passionate impulses. The result
can only be unwholesome curiosity, dangerous imaginings,
passionate stirrings, and ultimately, complete loss of self-
control. Therefore, though we are concentrating on the principles
of sex education in this book, IN THE ACTUAL INSTRUCTION OF
CHILDREN THESE PRINCIPLES MUST NOT BE SEPARATED FROM THE
PRINCIPLES COVERING THEIR TRAINING IN GENERAL.
THE PURPOSE OF SEX EDUCATION
The purpose of Christian sex education is to train to chaste
living. This involves two important aims which Christian parents
must constantly keep in mind:
1. Children must be taught how to be absolutely virginal until
marriage, or for life if their vocation is to the celibate
state.[4]
2. Children must be educated in such a way that they may properly
and chastely exercise their powers of procreation if and when
they marry.
These two aims of sex education are not contradictory; in fact,
they are the two halves of the only proper kind of sex education.
The best preparation for a chaste marriage is a chaste unmarried
life. Yet any teaching that makes the child unfit for either
state is wrong. If a prudish or shamefaced or what may be called
a "dirty" approach is used on (or permitted to be adopted by) the
child, then marriage will be degraded and the child will not grow
up to become a fit husband or wife, father or mother. If an open,
brash, "I-tell-my-child-everything" attitude is adopted, then the
child may be endangered in his premarital or lifetime purity.
AVOIDING EXTREMES
As you read this book, you will again and again meet problems
which might be approached from either of two completely opposite
attitudes. A common-sense, middle course will invariably be the
proper approach. The teaching of the Catholic Church never
satisfies the extremists.
In her doctrines on property and labor, she is attacked by both
Communists and extreme capitalists. In matters of sex and
chastity she does not satisfy the fleshly who want all knowledge
to be imparted from the beginning, because she is mindful of the
spirit and of man's fallen nature. She does not satisfy the
puritans who believe in ignoring the subject, because she knows
that the body is good and holy. She remembers that man is not all
soul nor all body; that the two elements are essentially united
to make up his being.
A sensible middle course is necessary for instructions on modesty
of dress and of the eyes, for the proper attitude toward romantic
love, for training the emotions, and for a hundred other things.
In your own doubts, always try to steer a middle course. If you
are in this middle path between extremes, you are usually in the
right.
REALISM
Today realism is often taken to mean emphasis on the brutal,
harsh, disgusting things of life. The term "realistic" is applied
to a novel if it describes vulgar (and usually sexual) affairs.
This is false realism. On the other hand, there is a false
romanticism or idealism that refuses to face certain realities at
all. In sex education, both false realism and false romanticism
are to be condemned. The only sane approach is to be found in
true and forthright realism, which faces the fact that there are
both good and evil in life and that every human being should
recognize them both and be able to do something about them.
Realism does not consist in ignoring the pageant of suffering....
Nor does it consist in merely noting it with however artistic or
journalistic an eye for the grimmest and most revolting details.
Realism consists in accepting personal responsibility as the only
realistic way of setting out to do something about it.[5]
Thus we must see and judge life as it is--a mixture of the bright
and the dark, of the happy and the sad, of the laborious and the
pleasurable, full of temptations to be faced and of victories to
be won.
In sex matters, it is not realistic to ignore the facts of
temptation, sin, or even perversion, nor to gloss them over as if
there were no such things. Nor is it realistic to make the bad
seem good or the good bad. It is realistic only to recognize both
evil and good and to realize one's responsibilities.
You who are parents must be realistic with your children. Your
child is capable of both evil and good. He has the same sexual
temptations, the same problems, the same chances for victory,
that you had and that all children have. He or she can sin! Teach
your children to be realistic. Teach them that there is both pain
and pleasure in life; that life is a struggle, but a worthwhile
struggle; that sex presents problems that must be met and solved;
that marriage is an adventure, a test, a challenge to manhood and
womanhood. In other words, your children must be taught to face
both good and bad in life without allowing either to absorb all
their attention. One who has eyes for only the good or the bad,
for only the romance or only the trials, is unprepared for life
as it is. Neurotics are those who cannot face the real order of
things, which includes both the pleasant and the unpleasant. We
do not mean that the child's natural romanticism should be
stifled; but the child should be made aware of the difficulties
it will have to face in life
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Does the word "sex" refer only to the organs which distinguish
the male and female body? What is sex in its wide, general
meaning? Use these words correctly in sentences expressing some
phase of sexual information: procreation, venereal, relations,
intercourse, marital, male, female, coitus. How many of these
words can you use in sentences not applying to venereal acts?
(You should be able to use all but three; in doubt, consult a
dictionary.)
2. What is the difference between instruction and education? In
your youth, were you well educated in chastity? Could you have
been instructed without being educated, or educated without being
instructed?
Will the meaning of "sex" and "education" make any difference
when you discuss the problem of "sex education in the schools"
with non-Catholics? Suppose that, to them, sex education means
teaching physiology and facts about venereal disease? Suppose it
means what you mean, would it make any difference in your
argument?
4. What is chastity? Modesty? What is the difference between
them? Is there any connection between them? Would you say that
current forms of immodesty in dress cause impurity? As a married
person, would you take the view that people become accustomed to
what they see and hear in this matter, so that it no longer
affects them? Does that hold for adolescents?
5. What is the difference between innocence and ignorance?
6. Why is too much knowledge of sin dangerous? Does this give you
any twinge of conscience concerning the types of newspapers and
magazines in your home?
7. Have you ever met the kind of person who boasts about evil
things seen or done even though he may never have had these
experiences at all? Do not adolescents frequently pretend to know
all about sex, when they are actually trying to find out? Do you
take for granted that a child who uses knowing terms concerning
sex really knows what he is talking about?
8. What is the dual purpose of Christian sex education? Can good
sex education ever be made a separate branch of study? Give
reasons for your answers.
9. What constitutes a realistic approach to the problems of life?
If it views both good and bad, what other element is part of a
realistic approach? (Recognition and acceptance of
responsibility.) Recent wars have shown us three kinds of
soldiers. The first kind enlisted with exaggerated and glowing
imaginings of the glory and romance of saving their country. The
second kind thought only of the sorrow of leaving home and the
danger of being wounded or killed. In general, both these types
made poor soldiers, and many of them ended in hospital wards for
neurotics. The good soldier was the man who, while not ignoring
the possible glory involved, knew that war is a messy business,
but who recognized his duty and was determined to do it well.
What are three similar approaches to marriage; to parenthood?
TRUE OR FALSE?
1. A child can be ignorant and not innocent.
2. A child can be innocent and not ignorant.
3. As far as possible, a young child should be ignorant of sexual
sin and crime.
4. A child should be ignorant of all sexual facts.
5. Chastity and modesty are two words for the same thing.
6. A married person can never be chaste.
7. A person living an active married life is not virginal.
8. Immodesty is always a mortal sin.
9. Sex education should be taught as study.
10. Sex education should be woven into the child's general
education.
11. A policy of complete silence is the correct approach to sex
education.
12. A policy of complete frankness is the best approach to sex
education.
13. Realism means being concerned chiefly with evil in life.
Answers: 1--T, 2--T, 3--T, 4--F, 5--F, 6--F, 7--T, 8--F, 9--F,
10--T, 11--F, 12--F, 13--F.
ENDNOTES
1. Davis, Henry, S.J., "Moral and Pastoral Theology" (Sheed and
Ward, New York), 11, p. 172. Here and elsewhere this work is
quoted with Permission of the Publisher.
2. Taken strictly, only an act which is judged to be sinful is
immodest. An act which is usually immodest, but which might be
justified in certain circumstances, is not in those circumstances
against modesty.
3. Cf. Summa Theologica, II-II, q. 81, a. 8; q. 82. a. 3, ad 1.
4. Celibacy is the state of being unmarried. Virginity is the
intentional achievement of abstaining from voluntary venereal
pleasure. This achievement may be for a time, for example, until
marriage, or for life in which case it is called perfect
virginity. Cf. Aertnys, J.-Damen, C. A. "Theologia Moralis"
(Marietti, Turin, 1950), 1, ## 594-595.
5. Luce, Clare Boothe, "The Real Reason," in "McCall's Magazine"
February, 1947, p. 117. Quoted with permission of the publisher.
CHAPTER II: THE CHURCH AND SEX EDUCATION
Exactly what is the attitude of the Church on sex education? Many
people, Catholics and non-Catholics alike, say that the Church
favors dark ignorance. Others, though they know that this is
false, wonder that the Church has not come out with more definite
statements on the matter. The dissatisfaction of both sides is
due to our American tendency to see things only in black or
white. Most Americans rarely make distinctions; they are either
for or against a program 100 percent. The Church, on the other
hand, is more cautious and examines a program from all sides, and
then approves or disapproves with qualifications. The truth of
the matter is that the Catholic Church is against the wrong kind
of sex education. Toward wholesome sex education she is not
merely neutral, she strongly approves! To make this clear, we
must glance briefly at some papal pronouncements. We will
consider the condemnations of false sex education first, and then
go on to consider the approval of correct chastity education.
CONDEMNATIONS
Pope Pius XI, in his encyclical "On the Christian Education of
Youth," says:
"Another very grave danger is that naturalism which nowadays
invades the field of education in that most delicate matter of
purity of morals. Far too common is the error of those who with
dangerous assurance and under an ugly term propagate a so-called
sex education, falsely imagining they can forearm youths against
the dangers of sensuality by means purely natural, such as a
foolhardy initiation and precautionary instruction for all
indiscriminately, even in public; and worse still, by exposing
them at an early age to the occasions in order to accustom them,
so it is argued, and as it were to harden them against such
dangers....
"In this extremely delicate matter, if, all things considered,
some private instruction is found necessary and opportune, from
those who hold from God the commission to teach and who have the
grace of state, every precaution must be taken."[1]
Here Pius XI is not condemning sex education but means purely
natural" (and hence not all natural means); "foolhardy
initiation"; initiation which is "indiscriminate," that is, not
adapted to the needs of the individual and of each sex. He points
out that initiation and precautionary instruction (not proper
education) are worse if given "even in public." He condemns any
effort to harden children by exposing them to temptation. There
is a vast difference between condemning such false education and
condemning all sex education.[2]
Many modern educators still believe, as the Pope points out, that
such false education can prevent sin. They maintain that full
knowledge and frequent association with temptation will dull the
inclination to evil. Experience abundantly proves that this is
not so.
Pope Pius XI also condemns some of the modern forms of
preparation for marriage in his encyclical "On Christian
Marriage":
". . . Such wholesome instruction and religious training in
regard to Christian marriage will be quite different from that
exaggerated physiological education by means of which, in these
times of ours, some reformers of married life make pretense of
helping those joined in wedlock, laying much stress on these
physiological matters, in which is learned rather the art of
sinning in a subtle way than the virtue of living chastely."
Here he condemns exaggerated physiological education, not all
physiological education for the married.
There is one statement of Pius XI above all others that many
persons misinterpret:
"Hence it is of the highest importance that a good father, while
discussing with his son a matter so delicate, be well on his
guard and not descend to details, nor refer to the various ways
in which this infernal hydra destroys with its poison so large a
portion of the world; otherwise it may happen that instead of
extinguishing this fire, he unwittingly stirs or kindles it in
the simple and tender heart of the child ("On the Christian
Education of Youth")."
Some have thought that this forbids the instructor to give the
child any physiological information, or to tell him in what the
marital act consists. This is not true. Parents should avoid
telling the child about the different sins that can be committed
against sexual morality and about the circumstances and details
of the marriage act. Nevertheless, "explicit and clear
information about the essential character of marital intercourse
is not a detail but the very substance of what the parent is
setting out to give. The details which the parent is advised to
avoid . . . refer to the circumstances accompanying the action."[3]
Therefore the instructor of children must avoid telling the child
1) about all possible sins of impurity, and 2) about all the
attendant details or the exact method of performing the marriage
act, until such information is necessary. However, at the proper
time he may tell the child the precise nature of the marriage
act.[4]
THE CHURCH IN FAVOR OF EDUCATION FOR CHASTITY
What has the Catholic Church to say in favor of sex education?
1. Pope Pius XI says that such education must be integrated into
the education of the whole person, a person raised to the
supernatural level:
"In fact it must never be forgotten that the subject of Christian
education is man whole and entire, soul united to body in unity
of nature, with all his faculties, natural and supernatural, such
as right reason and revelation show him to be; man, therefore,
fallen from his original estate, but redeemed by Christ and
restored to the supernatural condition of adopted son of God,
though without the preternatural privileges of bodily immortality
or perfect control of appetite. There remain therefore in human
nature the effects of original sin, the chief of which are
weakness of will and disorderly inclinations.... Hence every form
of pedagogic naturalism which in any way excludes or weakens
supernatural Christian formation in the teaching of youth, is
false" ("On the Christian Education of Youth").
2. The Church gives an outline of Christian education to
chastity:
"Accordingly special care is to be paid to the complete, solid,
and continuous religious instruction of the youth of both sexes;
awakening in them a high regard and desire for, and a love of,
the angelical virtue; teaching them as a matter of supreme
importance to be persevering in prayer, to make assiduous use of
the Sacraments of Penance and the Holy Eucharist, to honor the
holy purity of the Blessed Virgin Mother with filial devotion,
and to commit themselves unreservedly to her protection, teaching
them moreover carefully to avoid dangerous reading, indecent
scenic performances, wrong conversations and all other occasions
of sin. Consequently, works which have recently been written and
published, even by certain Catholic authors, advocating a new
method of procedure, are in no wise to be approved."[5]
This statement of the Holy Office does not exclude proper sex
information, but it insists on the absolutely necessary
supernatural basis of Christian education in the matter of
purity, together with a realistic approach to original and
personal sin and the dangerous occasions of sin.[6]
3. Finally, Pope Pius XII, carefully watching over the families
of the world, and mindful of the excessive concern with sex
education among modern parents, addressed this clear and
magnificent statement to the Women of Catholic Action,
representing all the dioceses of Italy, on the feast of Christ
the King, October 26, 1941. Here you will find both a
justification and an outline of Christian chastity education
(subtitles ours):
Hygiene and Morality:
"Many of the moral characteristics which see in the youth or the
man owe their origin to the manner and circumstances of his first
upbringing in infancy: purely organic habits contracted at that
time may later prove a serious obstacle to the spiritual life of
the soul. And so you will make it your special care in the
treatment of your child to observe the prescriptions of a perfect
hygiene, so that when it comes to the use of reason its bodily
organs and faculties will be healthy and robust and free from
distorted tendencies."
Education to Self-Control:
". . . From that early age a loving look, a warning word, must
teach the child not to yield to all its impressions, and as
reason dawns, it must learn to discriminate and to master the
vagaries of its sensations; in a word, under the guidance and
admonition of the mother it must begin the work of its own
education."
Understanding and Reasoned Discipline:
"Study the child in his tender age. If you know him well you will
educate him well; you will not misconceive his character; you
will come to understand him, knowing when to give way and when to
be firm; a naturally good disposition does not fall to the lot of
all the sons of men."
Truth:
"Train the minds of your children. Do not give them wrong ideas
or wrong reasons for things: whatever their questions may be, do
not answer them with evasions or untrue statements, which their
minds rarely accept, but take occasion from them lovingly and
patiently to train their minds, which want only to open to the
truth and to grasp it with the first ingenuous gropings of their
reasoning and reflective powers...."
Adolescence and Sexual Stirring
Modesty: of Dress, of Action, of Eyes
Watchfulness
Companions
Love of Purity
Gaining Confidence
Anticipating Questions
Parents and Sex Information
Reverence
Less Danger
Evil Sources
". . . But the day will come when the childish heart will feel
new impulses stirring within it; new desires will disturb the
serenity of those early years. In that time of trial, Christian
mothers, remember that to train the heart means to train the will
to resist the attacks of evil and the insidious temptations of
passion; during that period of transition from the unconscious
purity of infancy to the triumphant purity of adolescence you
have a task of the highest importance to fulfill. You have to
prepare your sons and daughters so that they may pass with
unfaltering step, like those who pick their way among serpents,
through that time of crisis and physical change; and pass through
it without losing anything of the joy of innocence, preserving
intact that natural instinct of modesty with which Providence has
girt them as a check upon wayward passions. That sense of
modesty, which in its spontaneous abhorrence from the impure is
akin to the sense of religion, is made of little account in these
days; but you, mothers, will take care that they do not lose it
through indecency in dress or self-adornment, through unbecoming
familiarities or immoral spectacles; on the contrary you will
seek to make it more delicate and alert, more up right and
sincere. You will keep a watchful eye on their steps; you will
not suffer the whiteness of their souls to be stained and
contaminated by corrupt and corrupting company; you will inspire
them with a high esteem and jealous love for purity, advising
them to commend themselves to the sure and motherly protection of
the Immaculate Virgin. Finally, with the discretion of a mother
and a teacher, and thanks to the openhearted confidence with
which you have been able to inspire your children, you will not
fail to watch for and to discern the moment in which certain
unspoken questions have occurred to their minds and are troubling
their senses. It will then be your duty to your daughters, the
father's duty to your sons, carefully and delicately to unveil
the truth as far as it appears necessary; to give a prudent, true
and Christian answer to those questions, and set their minds at
rest. If imparted by the lips of Christian parents at the proper
time, in the proper measure, and with the proper precautions, the
revelation of the mysterious and marvelous laws of life will be
received by them with reverence and gratitude, and will enlighten
their minds with far less danger than if they learned them
haphazard, from some unpleasant shock, from secret conversations,
through information received from over-sophisticated companions,
or from clandestine reading, the more dangerous and pernicious as
secrecy inflames the imagination and troubles the senses. Your
words if they are wise and discreet, will prove a safeguard and a
warning in the midst of the temptations and the corruption which
surround them, 'because foreseen an arrow comes more slowly.'"[7]
We have presented this statement almost in its entirety in order
to convince parents of the stand of the Church on sex education
of the right kind. Pius XII talks about hygiene, organic habits
in infancy, education in modesty, answering questions truthfully,
even anticipating questions, and forestalling smutty information
on the matter of purity. This quotation is really an outline of
the book you are reading. Study it carefully.
A later statement of Pope Pius XII bears on these matters also.
On July 24, 1949, the Pope addressed the women of Italian
Catholic Action on matters concerning the Family and Youth. Among
other worthwhile things he stressed this admonition: "Educate
youth in purity. Help youth when an explaining word of advice and
guidance is necessary. Do not forget that a good education must
embrace the whole of life and in this sphere especially the habit
of self-control is the best formation."[8]
Finally, a very recent address of the Pope to a group of French
fathers concerned this same subject, of chastity education. In
the wide publicity accorded this talk by both the Catholic and
the secular press, the impression was given that His Holiness was
attacking any and all such education. Of course this was not the
case. The Holy Father's statements were so forceful that we feel
it an obligation to record them, at least in part (italics ours):
". . . No attempt to influence public opinion ought to be either
disdained or neglected.
"There is one field in which this education of public opinion,
and its correction, has become necessary with tragic urgency. In
this field public opinion has been perverted by propaganda that
one would not hesitate to call deadly, despite the fact that it
comes this time from Catholic sources and seeks to influence
Catholics, and even though those who disseminate it do not appear
to suspect that they are unknowingly deluded by the spirit of
evil.
"We are speaking here of the writings, books and articles
touching on sexual instruction which today often achieve enormous
sales and flood the whole world, engulfing children, submerging
the rising generation, and disturbing engaged and newly married
couples.
"With all the seriousness, attention and dignity the subject
requires, the Church has dealt with the question of instruction
in this matter to the extent counseled or demanded by the normal
physical and psychological development of the adolescent and by
individual cases arising from varying special circumstances....
"This propaganda [of sex education] still threatens Catholics
with a double scourge, not to use a stronger term. In the first
place, it exaggerates beyond all measure the importance and scope
of the sexual element in life. Let us grant that these authors,
from a purely theoretical point of view, still remain within the
limits of Catholic morality; it is nonetheless true that their
manner of explaining sexual life is of such a nature as to give
it, in the mind of the average reader and in his practical
judgment, the meaning and value of an end in itself. It makes him
lose sight of the true original end of marriage, which is the
procreation and education of children, and of the grave duty of
married persons toward this end, which the writings about which
we are speaking leave too much in the shade.
"Secondly, this so-called literature seems to take no account of
the general experience of yesterday, today and always, an
experience founded on nature which proves that, in moral training
neither instruction nor initiation offers any advantage of
itself. On the contrary, it is seriously unhealthy and
prejudicial unless closely bound to constant discipline, vigorous
mastery of oneself, and above all, the use of supernatural
forces--prayer and the Sacraments. All Catholic teachers worthy
of their name and mission are well aware of the preponderant role
of supernatural forces in the sanctification of man, be he young
or old, bachelor or married. Of these supernatural forces
scarcely a word is whispered in the literature of which we speak:
they are usually passed over in silence.
"The very principles of sexual education and questions related to
it, which were so wisely brought forth by Our predecessor Pius XI
in his encyclical "Divini Illius Magistri," are swept aside--sad
sign of the times--with a wave of the hand or with a smile. Pius
XI, they say, wrote that twenty years ago for his times. We have
gone ahead since then."[9]
We have no way of knowing which works Pius XII was referring to
in this address. We may presume he had in mind especially some
writings in French, since he was speaking to French parents. We
can be sure, however, by careful evaluation of his statements
that the Pope refers to works: (1) which are written by
Catholics; (2) which make of sexual activity an end itself, or
which leave in the shade the nature of marriage and its purpose;
(3) which do not show proper understanding of the necessity of
strong self-discipline, and of frequentation of the Sacraments;
and (4) which ignore Pope Pius XI's directions in the encyclical
we have already quoted under its English title, "On the Christian
Education of Youth."
The careless reader might infer that His Holiness is attacking
all information concerning the nature of the facts of life. This
is not so. He tells us that the Church has dealt with such
instruction so far as it is needed by the physical and
psychological development of the adolescent, or demanded by
special individual circumstances. The preceding quotations in
this chapter bear this out in the Pope's own words. True, he says
that initiation is of no avail in itself, and that it can be
harmful; but he adds a strong "unless"--"unless closely bound to
constant discipline, etc."
The author humbly submits to the reader that the present work
does not fall under the papal strictures.
This book does not exaggerate the importance of sex in life; on
the contrary, it insists that sex is but one fiber in the total
human personality. Sexuality is not treated as an end in itself.
Constantly these pages repeat: "Sexual actions are sacred to the
married state"; and insist on the vocation of marriage and
parenthood with which sex is inextricably bound up. Above all,
the pitfall of naturalism has been avoided. Throughout have been
stressed the practices of Christian character-building, self-
restraint, asceticism, and the frequentation of the Sacraments.
The four chapters on religious and moral formation outweigh the
physical and psychological chapters in both length and
exhaustiveness of treatment; moreover, these four chapters supply
the real outline, or "frame of reference," of the entire book.
Lastly, the directions of Pope Pius XI have been enshrined in the
very first paragraphs of the present chapter.
As you read through the remainder of this book, please refer back
constantly to these papal pronouncements, so that you too will
avoid the errors and excesses against which His Holiness issues
so grave a warning.
There are many more interesting and helpful statements available,
but enough have been given to represent the Church's position on
this matter. From here on every word of this book will be
directed toward explaining the principles of sex education and
their application to practical problems.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Does the Church condemn sex education? Your answer should
start: "It depends on what you mean by sex education...."
2. Can you list any dangers in the approach through means "purely
natural"? through "precautionary instruction for all
indiscriminately, even in public"? Does this forbid all
precautionary instruction? Will exposure to temptation harden
people to it?
3. Who are "those who hold the commission from God to teach and
have the grace of state"? (Save your answer for future reference
in Chapter III.)
4. Is every kind of physiological instruction forbidden to
married persons or persons about to be married? What kind is
condemned?
5. What two things are forbidden by the statement of the Pope
that the parent "should. . . not descend to details, nor refer to
the various ways this infernal hydra destroys. . . so large a
portion of the world"?
6. Why is the Church so anxious for the use of positive
supernatural helps and a positive approach to purity?
7. Pick out the sentences and phrases which seem most important
in the statement of Pope Pius XII to mothers. Discuss them.
8. Why is the Pope's statement so valuable? (Consider the grace
given to him as head of the Church, his concern for the good of
all; his expert advisers, etc.)
ENDNOTES
1. Here and elsewhere in this book the encyclicals "On The
Christian Education of Youth" and "On Christian Marriage," and
other pronouncements of Pope Pius XI, as well as those of the
present Pontiff, are cited in the official N.C.W.C. translations,
with the permission of the publisher.
2. For a fuller interpretation of these passages cf. Kirsch,
Felix M., O.F.M. Cap., "Sex Education and Training in Chastity"
(Benziger Brothers, New York, 1930), pp. xvi-xx.
3. Mahoney, Canon E. J., in the "Clergy Review," London, March
1947 (XXVII) p. 194. Quoted with permission of the publisher.
4. Those who are interested in the scientific analysis of
official statements may wish to consult: King, J. Leycester, S.
J., "Sex Enlightenment and The Catholic" (Burns Oates and
Washbourne, London, 1945); also the "Ecclesiastical Review,"
June, 1931 (LXXXIV), p. 601, and October 1931 (LXXXV), pp. 392-
395; and the "Clergy Review," March, 1947 (XXVII), pp. 193-194.
5. Decree of the Holy Office, March 21, 1931 (privately
translated).
6. Cf. comment in "Periodica," 1931, pp. 243-244.
7. Translation entitled "Guiding Christ's Little Ones" (N.C.W.C.,
Washington, D.C., 1942).
8. "Catholic Action," September, 1949, p. 20. This and all
N.C.W.C. material is quoted with permission of the publisher.
9. N.C.W.C. News Service Release, September 28, 1951.
CHAPTER III: WHOSE DUTY IS SEX EDUCATION?
INSTRUCTION AND EDUCATION IN SEX MATTERS MUST BE GIVEN BY PARENTS
OR THEIR DELEGATES
The parents have the primary right and the duty to educate their
children. Since, as we have shown, sex education is merely a part
of general education, the primary right and duty of parents
extends also to sex education.
Pope Pius XI states, in the encyclical "On the Christian
Education of Youth":
"The family therefore holds directly from the Creator the mission
and hence the right to educate the offspring, a right inalienable
because inseparably joined to the strict obligation, a right
anterior to any right whatever of civil society and of the State,
and therefore inviolable on the part of any power on earth....
The wisdom of the Church in this matter is expressed with
precision and clearness in the Code of Canon Law, Canon 1113:
'Parents are under a grave obligation to see to the religious and
moral education of their children, as well as to their physical
and civil training, as far as they can....'"
PARENTS HAVE THE SERIOUS OBLIGATION IN CONSCIENCE TO GIVE THE
NECESSARY SEX INSTRUCTION AND EDUCATION
Parents above all others have the commission from God to teach
children. They also have the special graces of their state. One
of the graces they receive with the Sacrament of Matrimony is the
supernatural help to educate their children. If parents feel that
they are not prepared to meet their obligations in the matter of
sex education, it is their duty to prepare themselves. The author
has yet to meet the father or mother who could not supply their
children's needs if they made an effort. A great deal of
schooling is not necessary, though it may be helpful. The
requirements are a small but correct vocabulary, a sensible and
Christian attitude, and an understanding of principles and of
children. Pope Pius XII is very explicit on the duty of parents
to be educators, and on their duty to prepare themselves for this
task:
"We need not delay to remind you how important and how necessary
is this work of education in the home, and how grave a mother's
obligation not to neglect it or perform it with indifference....
This obligation [is] the first of their duties as Christian
mothers, and . . . a task in which none can fully take their
place. But it is not enough to be conscious of an obligation and
to have the desire to discharge it; it is necessary also to
render oneself capable of discharging it competently.[1]
Some parents shirk the duty of chastity education for one of two
reasons. They do not know the correct words to use, or they feel
such an emotional disturbance over the subject that they cannot
bring themselves to talk to their children about it.[2]
Few technical words are required--fewer by far than are included
in this study. Wrong attitudes are more difficult to correct, but
they can be overcome with effort. As a matter of fact, however,
parents are educating their children whether they intend to or
not. Children imbibe their parents' attitudes toward politics,
race relations, honesty, patriotism, and so on. Attitudes on sex
are no exception to this generally acknowledged fact. The minds,
attitudes, and moral habits of children are plastic. They can be
shaped in almost the same way as wax is shaped in molds. If the
mold supplied in the home is good, their formation will be good.
But if parents have no definite ideas on this matter, no definite
mold to give, their children will be shaped poorly. Positive
education forms the child; negative education allows the child to
be formed by someone else. Therefore, either your child will
adopt your attitude (whether of shamefaced silence, brash
frankness, or wholesome reverence) or he will go elsewhere for
his formation. He may receive it from playmates, random (and
often evil) reading, older meddlers, movies, etc. And what he
does not learn from these sources he may learn from actual
experimentation.
One sometimes hears parents say: "My children do not need any
instruction from me. They learn all they need to know from the
movies, newspapers, magazines, advertisements, etc." This do-
nothing attitude is disastrous. Even if children did learn the
important facts of life from such sources, are they wholesome
sources? It is not so much the learning of the physiological
facts that matters, but rather the children's attitudes and
judgments on these facts.
It is our opinion, however, that children and adolescents do not
get correct information even from these sources. They are merely
inspired to try to find out what is behind the things that seem
to tell them so much. Their curiosity is stirred. Their appetites
begin to trouble them even though they do not know what it is all
about. They observe that near-nudity is common; that immodesty in
dress is widely held to be necessary for "glamour" and
popularity; they come to think that love consists in mere bodily
attraction and emotional romance. Some adolescents start to
practice the love-making techniques they see on the screen. The
very fact that children are faced with all these influences makes
it imperative that parents engage in positive education on all
phases of chastity and modesty.
There are two things, above all others, which parents must do in
the face of the pagan atmosphere in which their children live.
First, they must constantly observe and judge the influences that
affect their children. If they do not, they will find themselves
adopting some of the world's false attitudes. The eminent
philosopher Dr. Yves Simon expresses the opinion that the
constant impact of propaganda and advertising on uncritical minds
acts like a blackjack. After a time, such propaganda can make men
slaves more effectively than the lash.[3] Second, parents must
gradually teach their children to judge these influences. This
does not mean that parents should at once point out to their
children all the evils in the world, for this might stir up
passion unnecessarily. At first, their teaching should be of such
a kind that the child will apply it unconsciously to what he sees
and hears. Then, in later adolescence, boys and girls may well be
taught to pass accurate and explicit judgments on these
influences.
As a last incentive for parents to assume this important task,
let them consider the following facts. In a study of 2,000
Catholic boys in Catholic high schools (and therefore presumably
under the best possible influence), it was found that unwholesome
sources of sex information outnumbered wholesome sources three to
one. When brought to bear, many of the wholesome sources were as
much as six years too late.[4] These figures are conservative.
Other authors put the unwholesome sources much higher. There can
be no doubt, then, that the chastity of children depends on the
education given them by their parents. This education is a
serious and primary obligation of parents.
DELEGATES
It may happen that parents are not equipped to give the proper
instruction in sex, and that before they can prepare themselves
to do so, some such instruction is needed by their children. In
such a case, the parents must choose a substitute or delegate.
They may choose a priest or nun, the family doctor, a nurse, a
relative who is qualified, a school teacher. These substitutes
cannot completely supply for the parents in sex education, though
they may supply for one or the other sex instruction (for
example, at the age of 12 or 14). After all, the parent knows the
child better than anyone else, and has a continuous contact with
him.
Besides, each of the delegates listed suffers under several
disadvantages. The doctor or nurse tends to be too physiological
and medical. The priest or nun may find it difficult to win the
confidence of the child because of their position of authority.
All substitutes are hampered by lack of time and the difficulty
of sufficiently understanding the child's background. Certainly,
a mother with five children has many more opportunities to gain
knowledge of her children and win their confidence than a school
teacher with 40 children, or a priest who must care for 1,000.
However, when it is really necessary for the good of the child,
any one of these substitutes may give the needed instruction.
Parents, priests and teachers, both lay and religious, all have a
"commission to teach and a grace of state."[5]
The Priest in the Confessional
It has sometimes been said that sex instruction can best be
accomplished by the priest in the confessional. There are many
reasons why this opinion is false. First of all, the priest very
often has no opportunity to instruct until sin, or even a habit
of sin, is brought to his attention. Then it is so late that his
instruction in the confessional can be merely corrective. Second,
there is the time element; the priest cannot risk the child's
resentment at being detained too long, or the child's fear of
drawing the attention of his companions or parents waiting
outside. Third, the confessional is dark, so that the priest
cannot see and be guided by the reactions of the child. Fourth,
even were instruction attempted in the confessional, so much
would have to be given at one time that a great deal of it would
be missed by the child, or immediately forgotten. For these
reasons and many others, it is the author's opinion that the only
effective sex instruction the priest can give in the confessional
is that concerning the morality of certain acts. He can do much
remedial work, but little of a positive nature.[6]
Outside the confessional, of course, the priest may be very
helpful. His work in the school and in personal interviews is of
great assistance in these matters. Some adolescents prefer to
talk over their sexual problems with a priest because his
celibate life gives him a more objective and impersonal view of
the whole realm of chastity, in or out of marriage.[7]
Tacit and Express Delegation
It is not necessary that parents expressly choose those who
substitute for them in giving sex instructions. If the parents
have not won the confidence of the child in this matter, they
will not know when he is in need of help. Teachers are assistants
to the parents in the work of educating children, and there is no
reason why they may not give a certain amount of sex instruction
to their charges according to individual needs. (They should
never attempt this, it goes without saying, unless they are
reasonably sure that the child needs some instruction, and that
he is not getting it at home.)
This holds, in fact, for all qualified persons who are
spontaneously approached by a child. Such approach does not
necessarily mean that the child asks a pointblank question; he
may merely give various indirect indications, references, etc.,
which hint of his need. It is right to answer his appeal, for the
reason that the parents may be presumed to be reasonably willing
to have the child's needs met by a really competent instructor.
In the case of a child and a close Catholic relative or Catholic
teacher, the parents' willingness would seem unquestionable. Such
willingness could hardly be presumed in the case of persons more
casually connected with the child.
Note, however, that the individual who undertakes such a task
assumes serious responsibilities. He must not merely feel
capable. There are too many who undertake to instruct children
when they are less qualified than the children themselves. They
must be reasonably assured of their ability chastely to educate
or instruct a child.
One who has mastered the contents of this book or a similar work
may consider himself qualified. But even doctors or nurses, if
they merely know the physiology of sex but have not formed proper
attitudes for themselves, are not capable of educating others.
There should be a dependable norm for the Catholic doctor, nurse,
social worker, or school teacher who may read this work. Those
who are in a position to gain the confidence of the child, who
are properly qualified in language, Catholic principles and
attitudes, whom the child spontaneously approaches, may, upon
realizing the need of the child and its lack of instruction at
home, reasonably presume the consent of the parents to give some
instruction. This instruction may supplement parental education
or even supply for it if necessary.
No parents who read the section above should use it as an excuse
for not educating their own children in this matter. At the very
best, instructors other than parents make poor substitutes for
the work of the home. Most of them have no strict obligation to
undertake the task, while the parents have such an obligation.
Besides, as will be repeatedly pointed out, education in this
matter should take in the whole growing life of the child. The
parents alone are in contact with the child over the whole
period.
THE PLACE OF THE CATHOLIC DOCTOR, NURSE, PSYCHIATRIST, ETC.
A group of parents will do well to become acquainted with a
Catholic doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, child specialist, etc.,
whom they can consult if special problems arise. Such
consultation might be necessary in the case of a child who reacts
wrongly to instruction, or who contracts a bad habit, for
example, masturbation. The specialists will be helpful, but they
should be Catholic if at all possible. We do not mean merely
specialists who are Catholic, but truly Catholic specialists,
that is, those who practice their profession according to
Catholic moral principles. Priests can frequently help in
directing parents to such doctors, etc.
MOTHER OR FATHER?
Both mother and father have the obligation of educating their
child to a chaste life. They are meant to be of mutual help, in
this problem as in all others. In actual instruction, the father
is obviously the "natural" one for the boys, the mother for the
girls. However, it will be found at times that the mother is the
better instructor for both sons and daughters until puberty or
beyond. (This age varies with individuals, but is usually
considered to be about 14 for boys and 12 for girls.)
No father should interpret what is said here as freeing him from
responsibility in the sex education of his children. A good norm
is: Whichever parent is asked, should answer.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Who has the right to educate a child? Who has the duty? Would
the willful omission of this duty constitute a serious sin?
2. Why are parents alone in a position to give really adequate
sex education?
3. Who or what is actually forming the mind of your children on
sexual matters: You? The school? Your children's friends?
Magazines? Comic books? Obscene pictures? Have you ever attempted
to find out?
4. As an exercise in judgment, pick up any secular magazine and
turn to a modern love story. Read it. Is the heroine's physical
beauty described in excessive detail? Are passionate scenes
presented? Does the author linger on such detail? Is there one
incident in which the heroine disrobes or appears in a bathing
suit? If so, has the illustrator selected this one (perhaps
passing) incident for his illustration? Has the incident any real
connection with the story? If not, why do you think it was
introduced? Do hero and heroine marry within two weeks or less?
Is divorce involved? Is there any mention of parenthood or
children? Granting even that one or another story of this kind
might be harmless, could a steady diet of such reading be
healthy? In the same magazine count the advertisements. How many
say in every line: "Romance, glamour, passion, can be had if you
buy, wear, use, this product"?
Consider this cynical quotation from a story in a popular
magazine: "Burlesque isn't dead, it's only been transferred to
magazine illustrations." Would you consider this statement true?
Judge the last movie you saw in the light of its effect: (1) on
young children; (2) on adolescents. Will these influences be the
ones that educate your children? How can you combat them?
5. If you have adolescent girls, do you face any problems in
persuading them to choose modest costumes, bathing suits etc.? If
so, has their judgment been warped by their surroundings? How can
you help them to judge what is modest?
6. Can anyone but a father or mother really supply all parental
instruction? In cases of necessity who may supplement the work of
parents?
7. Should the father or the mother be the one to instruct the
children in sex?
ENDNOTES
1. "Guiding Christ's Little Ones," p. 2.
2. Cf. Fleege, Urban H., "Self-Revelation of the Adolescent Boy"
(Bruce, Milwaukee, 1945), p. 275.
3. "The Nature and Function of Authority" (Marquette University
Press, Milwaukee, 1940), pp. 55 ff.
4. Cf. Fleege, op. cit., pp. 272-274, 276.
5. Cf. also, Kirsch, op. cit., p. 164.
6. Further reasons against instruction in the confessional can be
found in the Code of Canon Law, Canon 888, 2, cf. also the
Private Response of the Sacred Office, May 16, 1943, in regard to
treating these matters in the confessional.
7. Cf. Kirsch, op. cit., pp. 116, 163: Fleege, op. cit.. pp. 276-
277.
CHAPTER IV: GENERAL NORMS FOR SEX EDUCATION
SEX EDUCATION MUST BE GRADUAL
Many people are surprised to hear that sex education must be
gradual. They think of fulfilling this task in one "heart-to-
heart talk." Popular literature has confirmed this error by
referring to the "birds and bees" lecture that parents are to
give their children. This is against good common sense, for no
child learns anything completely in one lesson. When a child of
six asks what makes the train go, do you try to explain all the
mechanical working of a steam engine? No, you answer simply,
"Steam," and let it go at that. Again, the same subjects, to a
large degree, are taught in grade school, high school, and
college, simply because human beings learn gradually. The process
is the same for sex education, but with an added reason. The
child's sexual passions must not be awakened too soon. It must
always be remembered that:
"There remain . . . in human nature the effects of original sin,
chief of which are weakness of will and disorderly
inclinations."[1]
It is foolish to try to teach the young child some things, such
as higher mathematics, because he will not be able to grasp them.
It is foolish to teach him the facts about sex too soon, not only
because his understanding is weak, but because he may learn
enough to experiment with his own passions. Do not object that
this premature awakening is impossible. Statistics are to hand
that would make you shudder.
Shock
Another reason for making sex education a gradual process is the
danger of shocking a child. The nature of emotional shock must be
understood. A shock is produced by a sudden and disagreeable
surprise. We are shocked, for example, at the unexpected
announcement of a good friend's death. We are not shocked at a
pleasant surprise, though we may be amazed. Again, if a
disagreeable fact comes upon us not suddenly, but gradually, we
may be saddened, but we are not shocked. To take examples: we are
shocked when a well-mannered child suddenly and convincingly
cries, "I hate you"; we are pleasantly amazed when a moderately
talented child suddenly takes all honors; we are saddened at a
child who sins seriously, for to anyone who realizes the weakness
of human nature, sin, however disagreeable, can never be a
surprise.
Now, shock for a child in sexual matters usually has the two
elements, of sudden surprise over a disagreeable fact. For
example, it happened once that a boy of nine, totally unprepared,
came upon a picture series in a doctor's book explaining a
Caesarian birth. Naturally, he thought it the only method of
birth. He was shocked at the sudden "knowledge" that his mother
had to go through a terrible operation to give him life. If the
instruction and education of a child are gradual, there will be
no surprise, and the disagreeableness will be lessened. (The
specific approach for eliminating any disagreeable effect of such
information will be treated later.)
A still further reason for gradual education is the nature of the
child's questions and curiosity. A child's first questions are
ontological, not sexual. By this is meant that the child is
interested in the world of things that exist, especially in
living things. He is not sexually preoccupied. He is not
searching for pleasure, nor is he interested in the mechanics of
generation. He simply wants to know what things are, why they
exist, and where they came from. Later on he will become curious
about bodily mechanisms and pleasures. Naturally, then, you
answer the questions that interest him and no more. A young child
may be interested enough to ask where the new baby came from, but
he or she will not ordinarily be concerned with how it got out,
or how it came to be there in the first place. Therefore you
instruct a child simply in the order of its need.
SEX EDUCATION SHOULD BE PRIVATE
The general rule of "privacy" for sex education applies chiefly
to instruction on the intimate facts about sex, and to those
portions of the child's training that are liable to be the more
stimulating, such as warnings on venereal disease, explanations
on how to act in a bathroom, and cautions against sinful actions.
This does not mean that every child must always be instructed in
such things individually, though frequently that is the best
method. "Private" here means that instruction must be adapted to
the personal needs of each child. Children in a family within a
certain age range may often be instructed together.
Private instruction is important for two reasons: first, because
of the child's psychological make-up; and second, because of the
impossibility of meeting the needs of individuals in group
instruction.
It must be understood that sexual instruction is liable to be
stirring if presented vividly, or if several persons are present,
or if it is given to a group of both sexes. Anyone who has ever
talked to boys or girls on the subject, even in the most general
terms, will bear this out. One who has gained a boy's or girl's
confidence can talk to the child alone very easily. But an
instructor who addresses a group of both boys and girls on
anything pertaining to sex can almost feel the tension among
them.
Of course broader educational points can be made to a group
consisting of both sexes. This is the function of the school.
General right attitudes toward marriage and parenthood can be
fostered by the use of examples from history and literature, by
analyzing the home life of foreign peoples, by suggestions in
home economics and manual training classes and in religion
courses. The priest can and should preach on the larger moral
problems pertaining to chastity, matrimony, vocation, etc.
However, intimate facts and delicate personal adjustments must
always be left for private interviews. The common moral
principles can be taught in the school, but the personal
applications should be made in the home, in the confessional, or
in other person-to-person contacts.
Mothers and fathers should create occasions when their children
can talk to them of all their problems, not only the sex problem.
If that is the practice in a home, sex problems will be easily
proposed. The hour when the children are taking or being given a
bath offers a good opportunity for some instruction to those who
are very young. There are other made-to-order occasions, as when
the mother is helping a child to dress, or combing its hair, or
doing a chore with the help of the child. Hikes, fishing jaunts,
co-operation in a hobby, even lesson time, all provide good
occasions for a father to talk over problems with his son. No
matter how busy or how large a household, opportunities can be
found for those brief private chats that are so valuable a means
of education in all spheres.
SEX EDUCATION MUST BE REPEATED
Parents are sometimes amazed to learn that repetition is needed
in sex education and instruction. They think that once the
inevitable questions are asked and answered, their troubles are
at an end. Children forget; sometimes, indeed, their minds are
distracted even while you are instructing them. Children learn
few things "all at once." Did your child learn the multiplication
table at one sitting? Was a single lesson enough to teach it
obedience, or honesty, or any virtue? Of course not. Sex
education is no different. Convictions and habits are built up
only over a long period of time. It requires many admonitions and
instructions, backed by constant good example, to make a mature
person out of your child. If he comes to you with a question on
sex that you answered before and shows no recollection of the
answer, it may actually be a good sign. It may mean that the
child is not mulling too much over these matters; and it also
shows that the child has such confidence in you that he is not
worrying that needed knowledge will be withheld. Only if the
child returns frequently and at brief intervals with questions
about sex, or if there is some indication that he is overly
anxious, will it be necessary to caution him about too much
thought on the subject.
There may come a time when your child needs a review of all that
you have said over a long period. This is natural, and you should
not be surprised at it. It seems to the writer that this is about
the only time when a complete booklet will be useful for a boy or
girl. For those of the age of, say, 15 or 16, a good booklet may
put into final order the instructions you have given over a
period of years. The same booklet, however, might be dangerous if
you have avoided all previous informal education. Should you
decide to give such a book to your child, first read it yourself
to find out whether, in your judgment, it fits that child's need.
SEX EDUCATION MUST BE CONTINUED THROUGHOUT THE PERIOD OF GROWTH
If sex education is to be gradual, private, repeated and
reviewed, then it will take a long time. It should be spread over
a lifetime, from birth through maturity. Education will continue
for a lifetime, but parental duties will be over or nearly over
by the time one's child is about 18. The truth must be told the
child at every age, but not always all the truth. Bits of
knowledge should fit themselves into the child's mind so
imperceptibly that he will not notice how much he is learning. If
a child is trained in this way, then when the time of full
enlightenment arrives, the information will seem natural,
unspectacular, and even "old stuff."
It would be well if we lived in a society in which children could
reach maturity, and find it economically possible to marry at an
earlier age. In such a society, mature sex education could be
reached by the age of 17 and marriage soon afterward. The world
in which we actually live creates sex interest and problems at an
early age and yet makes impossible the normal solution of such
problems by an early marriage. That is why we state that sex
education should last from 3 to 18. Adjustment to problems
arising from that point until marriage is a special field that
needs more attention from Catholic writers.
INSTRUCTION MUST MEET AND SLIGHTLY ANTICIPATE THE NEEDS OF THE
INDIVIDUAL
Everyone will agree that education should meet the needs of each
individual, and enable him to meet and solve successfully the
problems of real life. However, it is difficult to judge what is
the proper time for certain instructions For example, generally
speaking, a boy should have definite information shortly before
his first seminal emission; a girl, shortly before her first
menstruation. But when will this happen to a particular child?
You cannot foresee the exact time. Therefore, the child should be
prepared in a general way in advance, so that when the time comes
he or she will recall something of what has been said and have
confidence enough to come back and ask for a more complete
explanation. In other words, one instruction will be given before
the need arises, another afterward. The first instruction will
not be fully understood because there is no experience behind it.
After the first experience, a more complete instruction can be
given with a better chance of understanding.
Precisely When?
This is a difficult question to answer. There are seldom two
children of the same physical constitution in the same family.
One authority states that most girls experience their first
menstruation at the age of 13 years and 9 months, and that most
boys experience seminal emission for the first time at about 14
years and 6 months. Yet no hard-and-fast date can be set down.
There are many preliminary signs of puberty. When the youngsters
begin to grow rapidly out of their clothes, when the boy's voice
begins to change and he shows signs of a mustache, when the
girl's breasts begin to develop and her figure changes from
angles to curves, puberty is fast approaching. Certainly, when
the mother notes a stain on the child's bed clothing or pajamas,
the full instructions for puberty should be given.
When should the preliminary instruction be given? A good norm is,
about 2 years before the age of puberty: thus, about the eleventh
year for the girl and the twelfth for the boy. However, there is
one fact of modern life that may make it necessary to give a boy
or girl an even earlier instruction on bodily organs and changes.
Children talk a great deal among themselves. Various studies
which have been made concerning their first knowledge of the
sexual mechanism, show this. According to Fleege,[2] 68 percent of
the boys studied received enlightenment from companions in the
seventh grade, and most girls learn the facts about sex in the
sixth grade. It therefore seems safe to recommend that the first
rather complete instruction be given to boys entering the seventh
grade, and to girls entering the sixth.
Someone may say: "Well, if some learn even earlier, then we
should give an earlier instruction to all." The answer is, that
in dealing with human things we cannot prepare for every possible
problem. If some children learn at 7, should we teach them all at
6? No; the dangers attached to premature enlightenment by parents
outweigh the chances of the child's being informed from other
sources at an early age. Moreover, the danger can be greatly
lessened where the parents so win the confidence of the child
that he will come to them if he receives any sex information
elsewhere. If, however, the child has actually received
information from unwholesome sources, correct information must be
imparted at once.
The twofold instruction spoken of above--that is, both before and
after the need has declared itself--applies to other things
besides seminal emission and menstruation. Such occasions are:
the first appearance of attraction to the opposite sex; the first
temptations against purity; the more difficult dangers when the
adolescent goes off to work, or to college, or into nursing
training; the dangers in boy-and-girl relationships; and finally,
the beginning of company-keeping.
Forewarned is forearmed. Yet the forewarning must not take the
form of vivid imaginative descriptions. Instead, this preliminary
instruction should be general and more or less technical in
terminology, and should appeal to the reason rather than to the
imagination. It should be such that when, but only when, a
temptation or bodily reaction is experienced, it will be
recognized for what it is. Then the second and more complete
instruction will be in order.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. List several common-sense reasons why sex education should be
gradual. What two elements enter into shock? Do you think both
elements can be eliminated in sex education? Could they be at
least softened?
2. What does the element of privacy mean in Christian sex
education? Why should personal adjustments be private? Must each
and every element of sex education be imparted in private? From
the material contained in this and the previous chapter, what
reasons must be opposed to formal sex education in the school?
3. Is it sufficient to take a child aside for just one talk on
the whole subject of sex? Why are repetition and review
necessary? Draw some parallels from other problems in life (for
example, preparing for an examination, making a retreat, checking
over your financial standing, etc.).
4. Try to formulate some answers to a child's first curious
questions about babies. Save your ideas for comparison with what
you will learn in Chapter XI.
5. At what time in a child's life should some instruction on
sexual facts certainly be given? Can a definite time be assigned
that applies equally to all?
6. What factors might make it necessary to give a child certain
information earlier than the general norms indicate?
7. Discuss this quotation: "Talks should be held in strict
secrecy between father and son or mother and daughter. They will
definitely be justified and directly beneficial for they will
correspond to the natural awakening of sex in the young person.
At this time, such conversations cannot be harmful, since parents
and children already understand that the subject is secret and
important and must be discussed to obtain benefits which,
remaining intimate, will equally be real.... Such talks must also
cover sex hygiene and particularly questions of sexual morality."
Do you think this quotation must be one from a Catholic source?
As a matter of fact it is a verbatim translation of a directive
of the Soviet government on sex education![3] Can you believe that
this comes from a government which once advocated the most frank
forms of sexual initiation? Will the knowledge of this about-face
after years of experience make you wary of sex education
proposals in the schools? Why?
ENDNOTES
1. Pius XI, "On the Christian Education of Youth."
2. Op. cit., p. 276.
3. Cf. "U.S. News and World Report" (independent weekly news
magazine, Washington, D.C.), July 22, 1949, p. 26: "Russia Takes
a New Line on Sex." Quoted with permission of the copyright
owner.
CHAPTER V: RELIGIOUS CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: I
(VOCATION, SEX, AND THE PURPOSE OF LIFE)
What should be contained in a complete Catholic education on sex?
It is hard to separate the elements of sex education from general
education; and this is exactly the reason why sex education
itself should not be separated from general education. However,
for purposes of study we shall attempt to outline the content of
Catholic education to chastity. The remainder of the book is
concerned with this content material.
Catholic sex education should be religious, moral, emotional,
psychological and physiological, and in that order of importance.
It should also embrace warnings of danger and give a remote and
proximate preparation for marriage. It is difficult to separate
these elements. Indeed, just as sex education should not be
separated from general education, so each of these elements of
sex education should not be separated from the others. It is a
natural thing to blend them together. For example, who would wish
to separate the noble emotion of real love from the religious
fact that in marriage husband and wife symbolize the union of
Christ with His Church?
It is necessary, moreover, to take special care never to separate
physiological information from an emotional, ethical or religious
viewpoint. Never say, "This organ is called this, and is used in
this way." Indicate the moral meaning of its use, or the wonder
of the power of procreation, or parallel the information with the
Hail Mary, etc.
PURPOSE OF MAN
So much of our religion affects our outlook on sex that there is
room here to sketch out only the most important truths and
attitudes. You are placed on this earth to know, love and serve
God. You are not here primarily to be a dictator, to make money,
or have fun. You know and love God by your intellect and will,
and supernaturally by the virtues of faith, hope and charity. How
do you serve Him? You serve God by keeping His laws and by
performing the duties of your state in life to the best of your
ability. It makes no difference what position you hold, whether
president or porter; it makes no difference what your state of
life is, married, single, or vowed to God's service. You can only
reach God by carrying out your particular duties to the best of
your ability according to His law.
STATE OF LIFE
There are three general states or vocations in life: the conjugal
or married state, the state of virginity in the world, and the
state of virginity in a religious order or the priesthood.
Virginity
If we forget for a moment the circumstances affecting this or
that individual, and examine the states of life in themselves,
virginity is the higher state when embraced for a supernatural
reason. Speaking of a father's duty toward an unmarried daughter,
St. Paul says: "He who gives his virgin in marriage does well,
and he who does not give her does better" (1 Cor. 7:38). Notice
that St. Paul says virginity is better--he does not say marriage
is sinful! In fact, he denies that strongly: "If thou takest a
wife, thou hast not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not
sinned" (1 Cor. 7:28). His distinction is between what is good
and what is better.
Why is virginity better? The state of virginity makes it possible
for the individual to love God more directly without distraction
(cf. 1 Cor. 7:25-35). Virginity gives a person an opportunity to
sacrifice himself by completely overcoming the drive of bodily
passion. This state is a more difficult life in many ways, and if
chosen out of love of God, is more meritorious. When consecrated
by the vows of religion, virginity becomes even more noble.
However, if a man or woman were to embrace celibacy or virginity
for merely selfish motives, to avoid responsibility, to have ease
and comfort, etc., his or her virginity would be far less noble
than marriage. St. Augustine states this pungently:
"Virginity is not honored because it is virginity, but because it
is dedicated to God!"[1]
Clerical and Cloistered Virginity
How many thousands of young men and women have gone into the
priesthood and cloister to serve God and neighbor with all their
strength! They are the silent heroes of every age in history.
They have bound up the spiritual and physical wounds of mankind.
They have brought sinful men back to God. Throughout the
centuries they have been for human society the nurses, the
educators, the librarians, the experimental farmers, the
scientists and inventors, as well as the mystics and
contemplatives. Their contribution to the good of man can never
be measured in terms of dollars and cents, for without their
efforts culture and Christian civilization itself might be dead.
Priests and religious give the lie to the pagan claim, heard so
often, that continence is impossible, or if possible, fruitless.
Such men and women give fully of their lives, and ask only "food
and sufficient clothing, with these . . . [they are] content" (1
Tim. 6:8). Here is a worthy vocation in life, a career that
cannot be equaled by any worldly calling.
Virginity in the World
Virginity, as has been said, is a state of life possible not only
in the cloister but also outside it. Many of our young people are
following this state in the world with a very holy purpose. Many
nurses, social workers, doctors, teachers and hundreds of others
have voluntarily embraced virginity to devote themselves to their
work and through their work to God. If anyone doubts the worth of
such a sacrifice, let him consult Pope Pius XII's statement in
"Women's Duties in Social and Political Life."[2]
Matrimony
The third noble state of life is the conjugal state. "Marriage is
the lawful contract between man and woman by which is given and
accepted the exclusive and perpetual right to those mutual bodily
functions which are naturally apt to generate offspring."[3] Stated
in these cold words, marriage does not seem to mean much. But for
baptized Christians, it is far more. Christ has raised this
natural contract to the dignity and holiness of a sacrament.
Through it He grants to the spouses all the graces needed for
their heavy duties, and He renders their contract, already
permanent by natural law, absolutely unbreakable in life. As He
Himself says: "Now they are no longer two, but one flesh. What
therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder" (Mark
10:8-9). The wonderful and uniquely personal thing about this
sacrament is that the bride and groom are the ministers of it.
The priest does not confer the sacrament, he is merely the
official witness at the ceremony. Husband and wife confer the
sacrament on each other with all its graces. Not only do they
give each other their bodies and their lives, but they also give
to each other the sacrament from which come the graces needed to
perform their duties. By performing these duties properly, they
gain heaven. In the Sacrament of Matrimony, therefore, there are
only three actors: a man, a woman, and--no, not a priest but--
God!
SEX AND MARRIAGE
Sex acts are sacred and reserved to the married. Though the human
sexual functions are indeed physical, and similar to those of
animals (note we say similar, not the same by any means), a man
and woman co-operate not merely in the production of a body, but
toward the creation of a human person, who has a soul. It is God
alone who produces the soul; but parents are co-creators with Him
in bringing the whole person into existence. The human child is
not a little animal that merely eats and drinks and grows up to
reproduce his kind. He is a person: a being of tremendous worth.
He thinks, he wills, he loves, he becomes responsible for his
acts. He can know and love God, and with supernatural help he can
reach heaven; that is, he can attain such a state of perfection
that he is able to participate in the Life of God.
A human being is valuable--so valuable that God Himself saw fit
to unite a human nature with His divine nature in the Person of
Christ. If a human person is sacred as a result of such
consecration by God, then the act by which he is produced, the
sexual act of husband and wife, is sacred and holy; because if an
effect is holy, its cause must be holy.
The highest appreciation the non-Christian can have of marriage
is that it builds up the human race. The desire to perfect the
human race by bringing children into the world, and by bringing
them to the highest perfection is very noble. Yet how much more
noble it is to have the vocation of building up the Mystical Body
of Christ, to help extend Christ's holy Body, the Church, to the
ends of the earth!
"The humblest of laboring men should regard his home life as an
apostolate out of which Church and nation may draw the priests,
missionaries and apostles they need. For the basic ideal of
family life is to "multiply the number of the elect." Let this be
brought home to the working classes, for they in particular are
equal to the acts of generosity, devotion and self-denial which
such an ideal demands. And it is the proper development of the
worker's family life in accordance with this ideal that must be
kept in mind when facing questions such as the living wage, the
housing problem, married women workers, and that of supply and
demand in economics; and also in fighting the liberalism and
individualism, and the "statism," collectivism, and materialistic
nationalism which are its enemies. Family life inspired by this
high ideal affords a proper basis for the decent education and
moral training of the young. It gives a truly supernatural
foundation to their courtships and their friendships, which alone
is able to withstand the teaching and morals of modern
paganism."[4]
The nobility of marriage is further shown by the fact that St.
Paul uses the union of husband and wife as a miniature or symbol
of the mystical union of Christ with His Church (Eph. 5:22-32):
"Let wives be subject to their husbands as to the Lord; because a
husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is head of the
Church....
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
Church.... He who loves his own wife, loves himself. For no one
ever hated his own flesh; on the contrary he nourishes and
cherishes it, as Christ also does the Church (because we are
members of His body, made from His flesh and from His bones).
"'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and
cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.'
"This is a great mystery--I mean in reference to Christ and to
the Church."
PURPOSES OP MARRIAGE
For many moderns, the purposes of marriage are the gratification
and pleasure of the couple. Children, when they are thought of,
come last in their plans. We sometimes wonder whether such
couples ever desire children except as an expression of their own
selfishness. In any event, their wish for children never rises
above the merely natural level. Some want a boy or girl, not for
the child's sake, but for their own. They want someone to love,
and someone to show off. They want the pleasure of association
with the child, perhaps even some companionship in their old age-
-a few children are a good investment! So long as their comfort,
freedom or pleasure is not hindered, they will have a few--and
only a few. They feel no sense of vocation to raise a family for
itself.
This attitude is very incomplete. Few of those who have it would
admit it even to themselves, for in many cases it is unconscious.
Nevertheless, the fact is there. True, all the joys they wish
from their children can be justly sought, but such happiness
should be a result of their vocation as parents, not the prime
purpose of their married lives.
How different is the Catholic concept! The first purpose of
marriage is children. To beget and educate children is a career
that should stimulate work and sacrifice. The second purpose of
marriage is mutual love, help and service, not only in bodily and
temporal needs, but also in spiritual things. Married Christians
must seek God together. The last, but by no means unimportant,
purpose is to provide a legitimate and holy outlet for
concupiscence. We must not lose sight of the order of purposes
within the marriage state.
VOCATIONS AND SEX EDUCATION
Why all this material on states of life when we are speaking of
sex education? Is it not a digression? No. Sexual acts and sexual
pleasure are reserved for the married. (This should be repeated
again and again.) If this is true, then a mature outlook on the
use of sex depends on one's choice of a state of life. Once the
individual has finally chosen, that state is the way to heaven
for him. All discussion concerning the relative value of the
different states in life ceases when that decision is made, for
in the concrete, the best vocation for each person is the one to
which he is called.[5] Obviously then, a part of sex education is
an understanding of states in life. We can never integrate
attitudes on sex into our lives until we understand where sexual
activity belongs.
The Child and Vocation
All three states of life should be frequently presented to the
child for consideration. He should be told that he is free to
choose the married state, virginity in the world, or virginity in
the cloister or in the priesthood. Since each state is a vocation
from God, the child should be taught, at least by his tenth year,
to pray for guidance in his choice of vocation. The choice may
not be finally made until many years later, but it should be
considered early. This consideration need not be presented to the
child in so many words, but he should always know and feel that
there are three states of life from which he must freely choose.
Nature of a Call
Vocation, often named a "calling," should not be explained to the
child as an inner voice which clearly indicates God's will.
Rather, it shows itself by inclination, circumstances, ability,
and, in religious or priestly vocation, by the acceptance or
rejection of religious or ecclesiastical superiors.
Parents should teach these facts many times in word, but even
more often by example. It should be the expressed desire of every
family that God grant the grace of a religious or priestly
vocation to one of the children. Without exerting personal
pressure of any kind, mother and father should speak of the
happiness it would give them if God granted this grace. They
should always be reverent, admiring and devoted toward priests
and nuns, who, with all their human faults, are God's special
servants.
Toward those who live virginal lives in the world, parents should
show admiration rather than pity. A girl or boy who remains
unmarried to care for a family which has lost father or mother,
should be respected and honored. A nurse, teacher or social
worker, or anyone who consecrates a virginal life to real service
of God and men, demands reverence and respect, not commiseration,
or worse, cynical humor.
The sacredness of marriage should be continually expressed before
the children, even though one or the other has clearly indicated
a call to the virginal life. After all, religious and priests do
not and should not despise marriage. It is a wholesome and good
state which they have "traded in" for something better. A mature
outlook on marriage is necessary for everyone. Marriage is noble!
Teach your children by word and example that you married for love
of each other and of children. Show reverence and love for each
other, respect and esteem to other parents. Show that you
consider your sacrifices worthwhile. As a means of teaching the
sacredness of marriage, we suggest that you take the children to
Wedding Masses and explain their beauty and deep meaning.
Your children are romantic. It is well, indeed, to show them the
romance of all three states in life. Do not hide the difficulties
of any state, but point out its value compared to the price that
is paid. Hundreds of ways will suggest themselves to you.
Storytelling from the Lives of the Saints (married saints, too!)
will provide many such opportunities.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Should sex education be separated from general education? Why
not? Do you give a special education in honesty, truthfulness?
Should the divisions of sex education be separated in teaching?
Can you teach the religious first, the moral second, etc.?
2. A watch is made by a watchmaker to keep time. Who made man and
for what purpose? How does man accomplish that purpose? What
happens to a watch when it no longer keeps time? What happens to
a man when he comes to the end of his life without reaching his
goal?
3. What is a state of life? How many states are there? Which is
the best? Why? Are the others evil? Which is the really right one
for you? Discuss your reasons thoroughly.
4. Does a state in life have anything to do with sex education?
Could you ever build a valid code of sexual morals without
reference to God, and to state in life?
5. What are God's purposes for marriage? Is the order of purposes
important? Why?
6. Is it not true that some parents have a few children for
merely selfish reasons? What is the ideal of Christian parents?
Discuss this verbatim report of a radio question addressed by one
child to a panel of other children:[6]
Questioner: "I want a dog but my mother won't let me have one."
Answer: "You don't use the right strategy. Ask her for a baby
brother--then I'm sure she'll settle for a dog."
7. Is a vocation an inner voice? What is it? How is it made
known?
8. Do you give good example of respect toward all three callings?
Is "old maid" frequent in your vocabulary? Can it be rightly
applied to the unmarried by choice? Is virginity valuable in
itself? Explain.
9. Do you really believe marriage is a career? Why is it a holy
state? Do you ever indicate how happy you would be to see one of
your children a priest or a nun? Would you be happy?
10. How would you use the beauty of a Wedding Mass to explain the
nobility of marriage?
ENDNOTES
1. "On Virgins," chapter 8.
2. Paulist Press, New York, 1945.
3. Davis, op. cit., Vol. IV, p. 53.
4. Canon Cardijn, "The Spirit of the Y.C.W." (Catholic Truth
Society, Toronto, 1940), pp. 13-14. Quoted with permission of the
publisher.
5. This does not mean that once a choice has been made it cannot
be changed. Up until the time of ordination, final vows, or
wedding day, the decision may be revoked. This holds also for the
state of virginity in the world. Mature decision may change an
early attraction to any one state. Adolescents should not be
accused of fickleness if they change their minds as they grow
older.
6. "Little Miffed Moppets," "Reader's Digest," September, 1949,
p. 47. Quoted with permission of the publisher.
CHAPTER VI: RELIGIOUS CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: II
(THE CHALLENGE TO PURITY; MEANS TO ATTAIN IT)
REVERENCE FOR THE BODY
When once the meaning of vocation is known, the value of the body
will become clear. The whole body is holy and sacred because God
made it, because it is a cell of the Body of Christ, and a
dwelling place of the Holy Spirit.
Modesty can easily be taught with the following religious
background. After all, we clothe all the things we reverence. We
cover the Tabernacle and the Ciborium with a veil. A priest
brings the consecrated Chalice to the altar concealed under a
beautiful liturgical covering. His consecrated body is clothed
with vestments. In the same way, and with similar sentiments, the
body should always be decently, and as far as is reasonably
possible, appropriately clothed. It is holy. Let young people be
taught this. Their natural desire for self-adornment can be
consecrated and ennobled by the idea of showing reverence for
their body, with its generative powers.
The sexual powers, far from being the least worthy, are among the
most wonderful. Even among the marvelous bodily functions,
certainly that one is unique which helps bring a human person
into existence.
Our English words for the sex organs are not very satisfactory.
"Genitals" is a technical term. "Private parts" sounds like a "No
Trespassing" sign; it is correct, but very negative. The best
word is a Latin one, "verenda." It means "the parts worthy of
reverence." Besides the notion of reverence, the word has a tone
of "modesty," indicating that these parts should be covered, and
also a note of quiet fear, since they may so easily trick one
into sin. If ever you doubt your own or your child's attitude,
ask yourself whether you consider sexual organs as "verenda": as
good and holy, a sacred trust from God to be used according to
His laws.
Though sexual acts are beautiful and holy in marriage, they are
shameful and vicious outside it. Just as it would be blasphemous
and sacrilegious for a young man to pretend to say Mass or hear
confessions before his Ordination, so it is unholy for a young
man to use his body before marriage as a married person does.
Does this sound farfetched? Read St. Paul's condemnation of
impurity as an injustice, a sacrilege and a profanation (1 Cor.
6:13-20):
"Now the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the
Lord for the body....
"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?
"Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of
a harlot?
"By no means!
"Or do you not know that he who cleaves to a harlot, becomes one
body with her? 'For the two,' it [Scripture] says, 'shall be one
flesh.'
"But he who cleaves to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee
immorality.
"Every [other] sin that a man commits is outside the body, but
the immoral man sins against his own body.
"Or do you not know that your members are the temple of the Holy
Spirit, who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are
not your own?
"For you have been bought at a great price.
"Glorify God and bear Him in your body."
These words are startlingly strong, but they state truths
inspired by God Himself.
This same reverence should extend to the bodies of others, for
the following reasons:
First, they too are (at least possible) members of the Mystical
Body of Christ and temples of the Holy Spirit.
Second, St. Thomas notes that any love for an external thing is
selfish. A man, for example, who loves only food, is selfish. He
wishes his own pleasure and nothing else. Therefore, if a man or
woman desires a body, which is an external thing, and has no
regard for the soul, his or her love is selfish. Since love is
between persons, and persons are made of both soul and body, real
love can never consider the body alone.
Finally, true love demands such reverence, for love demands that
a man or woman do everything that is good for the beloved. To
real love, death and torment mean nothing so long as the beloved
one is benefited. Now, though it is true that sexual acts are the
highest physical expression of love when used in marriage,
nevertheless, when they occur outside of marriage such acts are
really acts of hatred because the one who suggests them is really
willing to see his beloved punished in hell.
ESTEEM FOR PURITY
Once we understand all these facts, we cannot help loving
chastity. It is a glorious virtue, a lily among thorns, which can
be won only by hard work. It is a positive virtue, as is clear in
the lives of Our Lady and our Lord. Some moderns have the idea
that purity is a weak, effeminate thing, and that lust alone is
virile! (Notice the movie advertisements: "lusty," "sparkling,"
etc.) No, impurity is the weak, cowardly thing, that slinks off
into a dark corner to enjoy its forbidden fruits. Let Chesterton
show us how we should answer those who think purity is weak and
sissified:
VIRTUE
I am sorry, old dear, if I hurt you,
No doubt it is all very nice,
With the lilies and languors of virtue
And the raptures and roses of vice.
But the notion impels me to anger
That vice is all rapture for me,
And if you think virtue is languor
JUST TRY IT AND SEE![1]
Natural Reasons for Purity
There are many good natural reasons for purity, but they are very
weak compared to the vision of vocation and the holiness of the
body, which we have shown you. Nevertheless, natural reasons are
good reasons, and should be given along with the more religious
instruction. Premarital chastity is very helpful toward a happy
marriage, even on the most natural level.[2] The joys of
parenthood, the realization of one's duty to humanity, perfect
expression of married love, and a hundred other considerations
demand chastity both before and during marriage. Most of these
natural considerations will be dealt with in the chapters on
emotion and psychology.
All this discussion about the religious and natural concept of
sex and marriage--all these reasons, both positive and negative--
would be sufficient to insure chastity in our youth, if (and it
is a big IF) there were no original sin! Chesterton remarks that
any man willing to see must perceive that there is a taint of
some kind in human nature. Man, with all his ideals, hopes and
plans, which are good and noble, frequently acts contrary to his
own clear idea of what is right and wrong. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
has declared that the realization of the fact of original sin is
more necessary today than of any other doctrine. He has reason to
say this. In one questionnaire, only 67 percent of Protestant
ministers and 13 percent of students for the Protestant ministry
held the doctrine of original sin! (Incidentally, only 9 percent
of the students believed in a devil.)
What Is It?
In paradise, Adam and Eve did not obey God's command. Because of
their sin they lost sanctifying grace, the right to heaven, and
their special gifts; they became subject to death, to suffering,
to ignorance, and to a strong inclination to evil. On account of
Adam's sin, we, his descendants, come into the world deprived of
sanctifying grace, and inherit all his punishments. This sin in
us is called original sin.
The most disconcerting of its effects is an inborn contrariness
in us. We, who are made for God, tend away from Him. We, who are
made to be good and virtuous, tend away from the very good we
should pursue. Original sin in us has left our will toward true
moral good weakened, and our inclinations disordered, rebellious
and violent. We find it hard to keep the simplest resolution for
a single day. We find that if we do not strenuously fix our aim
on God and on virtuous acts, and beg His aid to achieve them, we
are soon full of shameful evil. St. Paul has put it exactly (Rom.
7:22-23, 15):
For I am delighted with the law of God according
to the inner man,
But I see another law in my members, warring against
the law of my mind
and making me a prisoner to the law of sin that is in
my members.
...it is not what I wish that I do, but what I hate, that
I do.
Who has not experienced this warring of members which St. Paul
describes? Yet how many of us attempt to live without taking this
natural flaw into account!
Natural Means
The presence of this flaw is the reason why the Church and the
Popes are so strong in condemning merely natural means for
preserving chastity. However good the natural methods, they are
not strong enough to combat humanity's inborn weakness. As Pius
XI says, the encyclical "On the Christian Education of Youth":
". . . Every form of pedagogic naturalism which in way excludes
or weakens supernatural Christian formation in the teaching of
youth, is false."[3]
The realization of the impact of original sin is also the reason
why we, as Catholics, must oppose so much of the "sex education"
that is proposed for public schools. Such sex information is
given on the assumption that human nature is completely good
without any help from God, and that instruction or information
can never be harmful. Some educators believe that once young
people know all about the physiology and the emotional content of
sexual relations, and also the danger of venereal disease, they
will live chaste lives. Experience proves over and over again
that this simply is not true.[4] The most recent non-Catholic
thinkers on the problem have begun to abandon such ideas and now
support a broader idea of "sex education" which is not quite so
far from our Catholic one.[5]
Original Sin and Sex
More people are betrayed into sins by ignorance of their weak
human nature than by any other single factor. They feel
confident, strong, captains of their fate. They dally with all
sorts of temptations, relying on their natural powers alone to
keep them from lying, theft and lust. They refuse to admit that
their own worst enemy is within. When they read of fantastic
evils, the sadistic cruelties of the recent war, and the
staggering sex crimes of our day, they label the criminals as
"insane." They are fools! Though crimes of this nature have been
committed by the insane, most crimes are committed by normal
people who have deliberately placed themselves in a series of
situations in which their unfortified wills succumb. We all have
within us the seeds of every kind of sin, and only the most
realistic precautions can save us. The sexual passions are the
most difficult tendencies to control, and original sin creates
more havoc in that realm than in any other. This fact demands
that we study and adopt correct attitudes toward sexual sin.
Parents' Attitudes
Parents must realize the struggle that their children face
through late childhood and adolescence. They must not ignore, nor
must they be horrified by, the fact that their children can be
tempted or can sin. When their children are maturing sexually,
parents should be sympathetic and helpful. They should recall
their own difficulties and prepare themselves to help their
children. Parents should not show horror or fly into a rage if a
child falls or even develops a habit of sin. They must try to
imitate our Lord, who condemned the sin but helped the sinner.
These statements take it for granted that the child will come to
you for help. This in turn presupposes that the child has
confidence in you. If these things are not true in your case,
there is little you can do but pray and show yourself willing to
aid. You can and must correct external acts, but a child will
probably resent any intrusion into his internal affairs.
Children's Attitudes
Children must be taught that goodness will not come without
effort. As with so many things, they learn this more easily from
experience than from words. The child must learn self-control in
all things, with gradual application to purity and modesty as
needed. Therefore, sensible parents will repress temper tantrums,
selfishness, excessive softness and comfort, choice of only the
pleasing foods, and so on. The child will thus learn that he may
not do, say, read and see whatever he wishes in life. A child
should also learn that not all duties in life are agreeable and
pleasant, yet that by the "hard work" of duty he obtains
worthwhile things. Purity is one of these virtues most
worthwhile. It is important also that moderation be taught in all
things that give pleasure, especially bodily pleasure. There is a
weighty reason behind such moderation. Man is not on earth for
pleasure, but pleasure is given him to smooth out the road a
little. If pleasure is made the purpose of life, no one can be
chaste. If pleasure is the goal of life, no one will reach
heaven.
Discipline and Mortification
Well-ordered home life demands discipline in many matters. Such
home discipline should prepare the way for the practice of
chastity, which also demands discipline particularly in the realm
of thought and imagination. This mental discipline is taught
better by direction than by repression. If a child is expected to
apply himself diligently to his studies without daydreaming; to
perform duties suitable to his age; to stick to a job until it is
finished--he will learn this necessary discipline of thought and
imagination.
Mortification should also be a commonplace in the Catholic home.
Friday abstinence, little Lenten mortifications, and tiny
voluntary sacrifices offered to God, develop a self-control in
the child which will carry over for life. When St. Therese, the
Little Flower of Jesus, was but five years old, she carried a
tiny "counting rosary" to number her mortifications during the
day. Though they may well omit her method of counting, children
certainly need her kind of sensible and mild mortification.
Motive--Love of God
A child should be given all possible good motives for sacrifice,
mortification and self-control. He or she should learn self-
control in order to become manly or womanly, to please mother or
father, to be generous to others, to show love for others, to win
friends, etc. The chief motive, however, should always be love of
God. Sacrifice for love of God is the greatest experience in a
human life and this motive is surprisingly strong in even the
tiniest tot. To foster and feed it, teach your children the part
God has played in their existence, redemption, and hope of
heaven. Kindle love in their hearts for the Infant in the manger,
for the Boy Jesus in Nazareth, for the weary Teacher who was not
too busy to cure little children or to play with and caress them.
Stir their ardor for a Hero who did not shrink from pouring out
His blood as satisfaction for their sins. Challenge them to
follow a Leader who has shown them the way to heaven. With a
burning and personal love for Jesus Christ as He is made real to
them in all the details of His life and passion, children will
not find it so difficult to be mortified and self-controlled.
Indeed, once inflamed by this love, they may easily outdistance
their parents.
PRAYER AND THE SACRAMENTS
Prayer
Since evil tendencies are so strong within us, everyone should be
accustomed to pray for help in every temptation. Training
children in prayer is discussed in many booklets on education in
the home. Here we shall merely point out the connection of prayer
and chastity. Anyone who has faced difficulties in regard to
purity will testify that daily prayer has helped tremendously.
Three "Hail Marys" for purity, on rising and before going to bed,
are very powerful. Little aspirations in times of temptation are
lifesavers. Such a prayer in times of temptation, if only the
utterance of the names of Jesus and Mary, has a double effect: it
shows clearly that one is not consenting to the disturbing
temptation, and it draws down God's grace to help combat the evil
suggestion.
Our Lady
Devotion to the Blessed Virgin as our Model of Purity should
flourish in every home. Thousands of men and women, both saints
and ordinary folk, testify to the power of her name in
temptations against purity. If you want your children to be
chaste through life, do not omit this important family devotion
to Our Lady. In matters of sex information, it is particularly
helpful to connect the "facts of life" to events in our Blessed
Mother's life; for example, the idea of pregnancy and the period
of gestation can be shown by pointing out the nine months between
March 25, the Annunciation, and December 25, Christmas; or
between December 8, the Immaculate Conception, and September 8,
the birthday of Our Lady. Such an example for the facts of life
gives a religious and emotional setting to the information which
will help prevent undesirable effects on the child.
The Sacraments--Penance and Holy Communion
Though all the sacraments give the graces needed for our daily
lives, Penance and Holy Eucharist give the most frequently
accessible support to chastity. All Catholics should cling to the
regular and frequent reception of these two sacraments. To this
end children should acquire the habit of weekly Confession, and
weekly or even daily Holy Communion, since the success of their
struggle for chastity depends largely on the early acquisition of
this holy practice. Young people will walk safely through the
pitfalls of modern temptation if they keep close to these sources
of grace. Besides all this, should a child contract a habit of
impurity, weekly Confession and Communion is a "must" if that
habit is to be broken.
The sacraments may well be approached as a family affair, since
the parents' example is everything in this matter. If children
are urged to go to Confession and Holy Communion, to pray, and to
make sacrifices while their parents do none of these things, they
will unconsciously conclude that all this is "kid stuff," to be
discarded as soon as they reach maturity. Let the mother take the
younger children to Confession in the afternoon, and the father
go with the adolescents in the evening. Why not a family
Communion from time to time? Why not a family Communion breakfast
for the family feasts, anniversaries and birthdays or on the
Sundays following them? In all this, let the sentiment be
natural, unaffected; children are the first to notice insincerity
in parents.
A Caution
Some cautions in connection with Confession and Communion should
be laid down, however. First, make sure that everyone is free to
go or not! Again, never act suspicious if the child spends some
time in the confessional. Lastly, never question him about what
he said there. If the child wishes to go to Confession alone, by
all means let him! He may wish to spend some time in the
confessional for a good reason, or no serious reason at all, but
he should be free. Similarly, there should be no scolding if the
child does not go to Communion on a certain day. He may even be
instructed that he may deliberately break his fast to avoid going
to Communion with the rest, if he feels that he should not go. If
a child should break his fast, do not be suspicious. It may have
been accidental, or it may have been deliberate in order to
prevent a "bad" Communion. In either case there is no call to
probe for the child's reason. Your reaction to the information
given shortly before Mass, "Mother, I ate something when I was
downstairs a few minutes ago!"[6] should be: "Too bad, dear--you
can't go to Communion today. You can go some other time." Briefly
then, though the habit of frequent approach to the sacraments
should be formed by family custom, no personal pressure of any
kind should be brought to bear. Family members should be expected
to be virtuous and regular at the sacraments, but they should not
be forced, on any given occasion, to approach the confessional,
or receive Communion. Any fear of outside pressure or
interference might lead them to approach these sacraments
sacrilegiously--a sad effect of misguided zeal.
It is well to advise a child to choose a regular confessor,
particularly if there is question of deciding a religious
vocation, of curing scrupulosity, or of correcting a sinful
habit. On the other hand, it is also a good idea to explain the
wisdom of approaching a strange confessor whenever shame might
prevent complete candor with a confessor the child knows. Here,
as in the occasions described above, a child's freedom is
paramount.
Confirmation
The value of several other sacraments should be pointed up in
connection with Christian chastity. Matrimony and Holy Orders
give graces needed to preserve the chastity of those states in
life, and all who receive them have a right to the graces
attached to them. There is no room for discussion of these
sacraments here. Confirmation, however, demands more attention.
This is the sacrament of Christian maturity, of Christian
strength and fortitude. It is the sacrament that gives us the
courage to confess our Faith in word and in deed. Whenever an
appeal is made to the virility of our young men and the
womanliness of our young women, emphasis should be placed on this
sacrament, and particularly when modern customs attack purity or
modesty. It is extremely difficult for young people to swim
against the stream. Yet, when it comes to the question of
"everybody does it" in dating, dress, etc., Catholics simply must
be different if such customs are sinful or dangerous.
Confirmation is the sacrament designed by Christ to enable
Catholics to be different in such cases. The graces of
Confirmation must be used, and strengthened by prayer.
Soldiers of Christ are inducted by the Sacrament of Confirmation.
They even may be said to have a special uniform--the uniform of
modesty and purity of morals.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Why is the body, all of it, holy? How can you engender
reverence for it in children? Should we not reverence the bodies
of others also? Have you ever read anything stronger than St.
Paul's condemnation of impurity?
2. Are our Hollywood actors and actresses helping this reverence
by their glorification of the body?
3. We know you will not be able to use the Latin word "verenda,"
but isn't it a good test for proper attitudes? Can you think of
or invent a similar English one? How would you teach this
reverence by referring to clothing?
4. Discuss methods of teaching love for purity in a positive way.
Is purity a virile thing? Or is it more virile to be "lusty" in
the sense of "full of lust"? Are the generative functions a
sacred, challenging trust?
5. What is original sin? What has it to do with education to
chastity? What is wrong with merely natural reasons as a defense
against impurity? As an argument against sex education in public
schools, a mother once said: "You cannot handle the topic in
school without morality; morality is impossible without religion;
you are forbidden to consider religion in the public schools.
Therefore, I submit that you may not give public sex
instruction." Is there any weak link in this chain of reasoning?
6. Do you think ignorance of the flaw in our nature is the cause
of many a downfall? Is it not true that we are all capable of the
most revolting crimes if we let down our defenses?
7. If children realize this flaw, should it make them cautious of
the snares to purity in life? Jerry, a boy of 16, sat alone till
the wee hours of the morning with Anna, a girl the same age.
Granting no evil intention in either of them, should their
knowledge of original sin have prohibited this?
8. What is the best motive for virtuous acts? Does this preclude
lesser motives?
9. What are the chief means of obtaining supernatural help? From
your own experience, did these means help you? Why should there
be a great deal of freedom in approaching the sacraments? Discuss
ways and means of making religious helps a part of family living.
10. What are some good aspirations for times of temptation
against chastity? What is the double advantage of quick prayer in
times of stress?
11. Are your children encouraged to little private
mortifications? Do you lead the way in this? Discuss some
possible opportunities of mortification--at table, in family
games, in sharing toys, in not choosing the best of everything,
in giving in to others, etc. Are you honestly convinced of the
value of mortification?
12. Why do we say that Holy Communion from early years gives us
our only hope for the purity of youth? Have there ever been worse
snares to purity than today?
13. After our brief exposition, have you learned a new respect
for the Sacraments of Confirmation and Matrimony? Discuss your
reactions together.
ENDNOTES
1. Ward, Maisie, "Gilbert Keith Chesterton" (Sheed and Ward, New
York, 1943), p. 613. Quoted with permission of the copyright
owner.
2. One has only to glance through the book, "Sexual Disorders" by
Dr. Max Huhner (F. H. Davis, Philadelphia, 1941), to be convinced
of this. Cf. also, Bertocci, Peter A., "The Human Venture in Love
Sex and Marriage" (Association Press, New York, 1951).
3. Natural helps which do not exclude the supernatural are not,
of course, condemned.
4. Cf. "Psychologic Aspects of Sex Education," in the U. S. Armed
Forces Medical Journal, Supplement, July-August, 1951.
5. Cf. Gruenberg, Benjamin C., "How Can We Teach about Sex?",
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 122, New York, Public Affairs
Committee, Inc., 1946.
6. The Church's law of fasting before Holy Communion now requires
us to fast three hours from food and alcoholic drinks and one
hour from non-alcoholic drinks before Communion. The drinking of
water is permitted at any time before Communion.
CHAPTER VII: MORAL CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: I
(CHASTITY--PRINCIPLES I AND II)
Catholics who have had any religious training at all usually know
a great deal about ethics or morals. They know what is right or
wrong, and the conditions in which it is right and wrong. For
example, Catholics well know that stealing is wrong. They know,
however, that the amount taken and the wealth or poverty of the
person from whom it is taken, changes the degree of guilt; they
know, too, that to take food if one is actually starving, is not
sinful at all. Practicing Catholics know about the obligations of
Mass on Sunday, of abstinence on Friday, and the conditions under
which these obligations do not bind. And so on with many other
things.
However, a large number of Catholics are very hazy about the
principles of sex morality both in and out of marriage. It is our
contention that all Catholics should know these principles and at
least the general application of them to their own lives. To know
this much will not make you a moral theologian, for there will
still be many cases that require the judgment of a skilled
confessor. When you study the principles set down here, be
assured that you can learn them and apply them. They are no more
difficult than any of the other moral principles by which you
guide your daily lives.
CHILDREN AND SEXUAL MORALITY
The child, and particularly the adolescent, should gradually
learn the principles of right and wrong in sexual matters.
Children are growing to adult life, and they must be trained
little by little to meet difficulties, to judge and act for
themselves. They cannot, and if they could, they should not, run
to Mother and Dad in every moral problem they will encounter. It
is nothing short of criminal to be the conscience of a child
throughout his whole growing life. He must eventually face his
fate alone. When the time comes, he should be able to do so. Any
training (or lack of it) which sends a child out into the
temptations of our modern world without ability to judge for
himself, is responsible either for many sexual sins, or for a
neurotic, scrupulous mind unfit for a life of decision. A child
must be weaned in all spheres so that he may gradually become
independent. This is true for moral living as well as for
physical and emotional living.
Scrupulosity
Some people think that scrupulosity is a sign of virtue. If by
scrupulosity were meant attention to the elimination of venial
sins and even of the slightest deliberate faults, this would be
true. But scrupulosity does not mean that. Scrupulosity is a
state in which a person is disturbed about sin when there is no
fault at all, or in which he is no longer able to judge what is
serious, what is light, or what is not sinful in any degree. He
is forever worrying about being in the state of grace, about
whether all his sins were told in Confession, etc. Such an
unbalanced attitude is a defect, not a virtue. It may indicate
unruly pride; at the very least it usually means that the
individual is too self-centered. A woman is an excellent
housekeeper if she attends carefully to order and cleanliness in
the home. If, however, she considers a footmark equivalent to a
cyclone of disorder; if she continually dusts the same piece of
furniture to "make sure" it is dusted; if she cannot be certain
that she has cleaned the room properly and insists on going over
it again and again--then she is a fair example of the way a
scrupulous person torments himself in moral matters.
In the realm of purity, attention to venial sin or to dangerous
occasions, is a healthy sign of virtue. But if one thinks that
slight faults are serious; if one can never make up one's mind
whether an act is mortal or venial or neither; if one is
continually worrying about whether he committed a sin or not; if
he goes over and over the same matter and never really reaches a
conclusion; or if he concludes that a doubtful action is a mortal
sin "just to be safe"--then he is scrupulous. Such scrupulosity
(except in the rare case where it is allowed by God as a trial)
is unhealthy and does positive harm to one's spiritual life.
God does not demand absolute certainty in our acts. He demands
only that we give the same reasonable care to the morality of our
acts that we give to any other important matter. If we act on a
prudent judgment, if we confess our sins as far as we honestly
can, we have fulfilled His law. A case of scrupulosity demands a
skilled confessor who will create in the penitent an ability (at
least finally) to make a decision about an act and to follow it
out without worrying and seesawing from yes to no. The lack of
this ability in some people is one reason why we insist on your
knowing the moral principles. They will enable you to reach
decisions and act!
Will They Understand?
Many people may object that a child will not understand these
moral principles. We admit that he will not fully understand
them, for all the possibilities of application cannot, and
indeed, should not, be made. Yet, children do not fully
understand other things they are taught. They learn the catechism
without full understanding, and gradually "fill in" as they grow
older. They should learn these moral principles and their
application in the same way.
When Should They Learn Them?
Your children should learn these principles as they need them.
This means that general principles of modesty should be known in
early years, between 6 and 10. By the time that sexual pleasure
is at hand, they should know all the principles. This means that
when the "facts of life" are taught, the moral principles must
also be taught. Certainly in our modern times, every boy and girl
14 years of age should know these principles and be able to apply
them to the ordinary dangers they meet.
GENERAL CONDITIONS FOR SERIOUS SIN
A person commits a serious, or mortal, sin only when he (1)
breaks a moral law in a serious matter, (2) does so knowingly and
consciously, and (3) chooses the action with full and free
consent of his will. Therefore, if he doesn't realize the serious
nature of what he is doing, if he is not free, or if he does not
really give consent with his will, the action is at most venially
sinful. For example, if John, aged 3, handles his genitals, he
commits no sin because he can have no idea such an action could
be wrong. May, aged 10, who accidentally discovers masturbation,
probably commits no sin the first time for the same reason. Both
must be corrected, however. John should be corrected lightly with
the same emphasis given to a correction for sucking his thumb.
Someone must speak seriously to May and tell her that she did an
act which was sinful, even though she did not realize it and was
not guilty at the time. Such correction is necessary because a
habit of this sort is easily formed, and a tremendous struggle
may be needed to break it.
Delight and Pleasure
Pleasure is something that resides in the body. It is there, for
the most part, without our desiring it. For example, perfume
smells pleasant whether we wish it to do so or not. Velvet or fur
feels agreeable to the touch whether we consent to the feeling or
not. In these cases, however, we can usually get away from the
source of the pleasure if we so will. This is not always true of
venereal, or sexual, pleasure. At times, it comes against one's
will. But it must not be delighted in with the will; that is, it
must not be wished, wanted, caused, approved, or deliberately
enjoyed outside of marriage. This is very important. At times,
sexual pleasure, particularly in the male, arises from no
apparent cause. At other times, when there is a cause, the
individual has a lawful reason for continuing the actions which
have incidentally brought about this pleasure. Sin lies in
willful consent or deliberate delight, not necessarily in the
mere experience of bodily pleasure.
MORAL PRINCIPLES FOR THE UNMARRIED
With these preliminaries out of the way, let us consider the
moral principles for all who are not married. There are four such
principles and they cover every possible case, though they may be
difficult to apply to some particular case without the help of a
confessor. Two principles concern impurity and two concern
immodesty. Those concerning impurity will be treated in this
chapter, those concerning immodesty will be studied in the
following one.
1. To bring about deliberately even the slightest venereal
pleasure, alone or with someone else, or to delight in it with
the will if it is accidentally aroused, is always a mortal sin.
If you do not like this phrasing, here is the same principle in
simpler language, though it is not so complete: It is a mortal
sin to seek, to or to take willful delight in sexual pleasure (or
real pleasure, or sexual excitement), whether such pleasure is
complete or incomplete.
Notice that this principle holds for all sins of impurity,
whether committed alone or with another of either sex. It places
responsibility on the individual. As soon as he experiences this
impure pleasure, which should not be confused with any other
bodily feeling, he must refuse consent. This is best done by the
recitation of a prayer.
What is venereal or sexual pleasure? It is that physical or
bodily pleasure which accompanies the excitation of the sexual
organs. The pleasure is in those organs. In the male it begins
with a stiffening of the penis (called erection) and is completed
by a series of nervous impulses (called orgasm) with, after
puberty, the ejaculation of semen. In the female this pleasure is
more diffused for it begins with a stiffening or swelling of the
breasts and genital regions, together with a slight vaginal
discharge. It is completed by a keen pleasurable commotion in the
genital region (called orgasm or "satisfaction") which relieves
the tension of passion and is accompanied by a greater flow of
vaginal fluid. Orgasm alone is considered complete pleasure,
while all strictly sexual pleasure short of orgasm is considered
incomplete pleasure. For the unmarried, both complete and
incomplete pleasure are mortal sins if the will approves, though
the first is of a more serious kind than the second, and each
must be confessed as a different kind of sin.
Venereal pleasure must be distinguished, however, from other
bodily feelings which are not in themselves sinful. The thrill of
a first kiss in adolescence, the intense excitement that comes
with a wild roller-coaster ride, the feeling of contentment that
lovers experience in each other's company, the tightening in the
abdomen when fear is present, the emotion of shame at being
caught in some disgrace, the feeling of a blush, are not venereal
feelings. We mention this because many youngsters, particularly
boys, experience their first sexual awakening in connection with
some other emotion.[1] Some adolescents have mistaken a wild fear
at some vivid, immodest picture or imagination for sexual
pleasure! If they come to you, carefully separate the two, so
that no habits of association will be formed. Otherwise, it is
possible that an individual may come to be sexually excited
whenever he has any one of these other physical feelings.
Obviously, all this should not be taught the child at an early
age. There is the danger that he might experiment to find out
what this pleasure is. Yet, once the child has reached the age of
puberty, he or she may begin to experience these stings of the
flesh, and must be taught to apply this principle. At first it
will be enough to say: "Being impure is a serious sin." Later,
you can add: "Deliberately to enjoy sexual pleasure is a serious
sin." If they must know what sexual pleasure is, tell them it is
the pleasure that arises in the generative organs (or private
parts, or whatever term you wish to use). Or it may be defined as
the peculiar sensation or which comes when the sex organs are
seriously excited.
Application
Let us apply the first principle to some concrete cases.
1. A boy finds that in sliding down a banister, or in riding a
bicycle, he becomes sexually excited. He rejects the pleasure and
immediately starts on a ball game. He has not sinned, for he has
not willed or consented to the pleasure that accidentally arose.
(If he has said a brief prayer, he is doubly certain. One cannot
really pray and sin mortally at the same time.)
2. A girl indulges in romantic daydreams in order to arouse a
slight sexual thrill. She sins mortally, because the pleasure is
deliberately sought. If she starts to daydream without evil
intention, then finds herself becoming excited and at once
rejects the pleasure, she has not sinned, she has only been
tempted. (Not sufficient reflection or consent.)
3. A boy and girl on a date seek all the sexual thrills they can
obtain without "going the limit." They both sin mortally, even
though one of them, as a matter of fact, experienced no pleasure
at all! Their intention was bad. If the pleasure of either was
complete, that fact must be confessed, since complete pleasure or
"satisfaction" is a different kind of sin than incomplete lust.
4. A boy awakens at night from a "sexy" dream accompanied by a
seminal emission. He immediately says a prayer, rolls over, and
goes to sleep. He has not sinned. If he consents while fully
awake, he sins seriously. But if he is only half awake, even
though he seems to consent, or even stimulates it by actions, his
sin is at most venial; for though the matter is serious, his
consent and deliberation were vague and incomplete.
This principle must not be put before the child in all its
possible applications; remember what we have said about ignorance
of evil. There is no reason, however, why the boy of 12 and the
girl a year younger (or children still younger, if circumstances
require it) should not memorize this principle with the others
still to be discussed in one of its forms. Application should
come as needed. The first application will probably come at the
first seminal emission or menstruation.[2] Adolescents, especially
on their first dates, will need other applications; company-
keepers will need more. Those who go out to work or into special
dangers will need still further applications. Do not try to
anticipate all possibilities. The advantage of this principle
lies in the fact that all sins of lust, even perversions of which
I could wish my readers were ignorant, will be guarded against.
The
principle is a yardstick which fits every case. Should the
individual meet a temptation of an unusual sort, he will be
prepared to apply this principle and make a proper decision.
CAUTION: To this instruction always add that sex pleasure is
sacred and normal in marriage and that temptations, imaginings,
and spontaneous sex arousal are not abnormal in growing young
people. They are a sign of approaching maturity. Make clear that
all young people face this problem. To the boy, explain the
purpose of nocturnal pollutions (cf. Chapter XI of this book).
This occurrence is natural and normal to all males. It need not
occasion the faintest worry to the young man who wills to remain
pure (cf. ibid., pp. 126-127, on emotion in connection with these
facts).
2. Desires and Thoughts: Deliberately to desire or wish forbidden
sexual pleasure is a mortal sin, even though no bodily pleasure
arises.
To think with willful approval or mental satisfaction of impurity
of any kind is a mortal sin even though no physical pleasure
arises.
These two principles, on Desire and Thought, may be phrased
together in simpler fashion: Wanting to perform an impure action,
or thinking with approval of anyone being impure, is a mortal
sin.
Clearly, desiring an evil is a sin of the same kind as the evil
desired, for God demands that we love His order as well as keep
it. If we were to desire something against His plan, we would
show that we do not love His will for us, and we would
immediately open ourselves to the next step--that of violating it
in action. In reference to chastity, our Lord makes this limpidly
clear: "I say to you that anyone who so much as looks with lust
at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart"
(Matt. 5:28).
The sin of "bad" or impure thoughts consists in taking delight
with the will in the imagination or thought of sinful actions,
whether these actions are one's own or another's. This does not
mean that one may not think of impurity in general or in
particular, granted that the will does not approve it. If all
thoughts of impurity were sinful, no one could read this book, or
learn sexual facts, or listen to warnings from the pulpit, or
even read an examination of conscience! For a thought to be
strictly impure it must be a deliberate picturing of someone
(most frequently, of course, the picturer will involve himself)
enjoying forbidden sex pleasure, with the will definitely
approving the action with its forbidden element. Notice, however,
that many thoughts which might not be "bad" thoughts in this
strict sense (that is, there is no approval of the impurity) can
easily be immodest thoughts (that is, of such a nature as to
stimulate sexual passion). These will be considered in the next
chapter.
Most thoughts and desires have more the nature of temptation than
of sin; for no matter how long a vivid imagination lasts, it is
not sinful until approved by the will. There is, however, a
certain natural inclination to such thoughts. When an impure idea
or desire arises unbidden, there is a first, almost compelling
impulse toward it. After all, sexual pleasure is a natural good
in itself, and it is attractive. This first impulse is not
sinful. It is only when one's will gives the go-ahead signal that
the desire or thought becomes sinful.
Applying this principle on desire and thought, we give three
cases:
1. A young man deliberately desires to sin with a young woman,
though he makes no effort to do so for fear of social
consequences. He sins mortally.
2. A young woman daydreams with approving delight of venereal
pleasure with a man. She does not go so far as desiring actually
to accomplish it, nor does she take any positive action to cause
personal pleasure. She nevertheless sins mortally.
3. A young man realizes the pleasures of married life. He desires
some day to enjoy them in marriage. He commits no sin of impurity
in such a thought, because what he desires in marriage is lawful
there, though his thought might be immodest. When such a thought
would be sinfully immodest will be explained in the next chapter.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Is it right to decide all moral questions for a child? When
should children learn the moral principles concerning chastity
and modesty? Do you think it a good idea to make them memorize
these even without understanding?
2. What are the conditions for a serious sin? Propose some cases
in explaining your answer.
3. Give some examples of "natural" scrupulosity. (The individual
who felt the key turn in the lock, yet worries about whether he
locked the door; the woman who can't sleep because she fears she
left the light on or the water running, even though she checked
before going to bed; etc.) Is scrupulosity ever spiritually
beneficial? Does God demand that, before acting, we be as certain
of the morality of our act as of our own existence? Is it
possible to be scrupulous over sex education? (I caused them to
sin. I didn't. Etc., etc.) Will this make it difficult to
continue? What does common sense tell you of all these practical
matters? (After cautious consideration, act reasonably and leave
the rest to God.)
4. Solve this case: Jack, aged 16, observes in a postcard rack
some pictures which are obscene or nearly obscene. He doesn't
realize the fact, and walks by thinking of them. After a minute
or two he says to himself, "Wait a minute, those things are
immodest pictures!" Has he sinned so far, even granting the
pictures were seriously stimulating? Why or why not?
5. What is the difference between delight (or joy) and pleasure?
(Delight or joy is in the will, pleasure is in the senses.)
6. Define chastity (see Chapter I). Can you state the first moral
principle of unmarried chastity in one of its two forms? (see p.
91). Define sexual or venereal pleasure (see three forms of
definition on pp. 92 and 93). Discuss the cases on pp. 93-94, 97,
and try to prepare other cases for solution. Consult a priest if
you cannot solve them.
7. Give one form of the second principle on thought and desire.
What is the important idea in an impure thought? (Thinking with
willing approval.) Bring forward some applications of this moral
principle.
8. Is desire for venereal pleasure always a serious sin? Give one
case when it is not. (Desire for it in marriage.) Did you know
previously that the first impulse toward something implying
venereal pleasure is not in itself sinful? Will knowledge of this
fact prevent worry?
ENDNOTES
1. Cf. Ramsey, Glenn V., "The Sexual Development of Boys," in the
"American Journal of Psychology," April, 1943, pp. 222-223, 232.
2. Menstruation has no direct connection with sexual pleasure for
menstruation and sexual pleasure may take place apart from each
other. The appearance of menstruation, however, is usually a good
indication that sexual pleasure is possible to a girl. It may
only appear later, but the lesson should be learned at this time
if it has not already been learned, or before this if the child
has stumbled upon self-stimulation (self-abuse, or masturbation).
CHAPTER VIII: MORAL CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION: II
(MODESTY--PRINCIPLES III AND IV)
IMMODESTY
The two principles in the preceding chapter refer to impurity in
its strict sense; that is, to the willing enjoyment of unlawful
sexual pleasure, in action, desire or thought. The principles
explained in this chapter apply to immodesty; that is, they apply
to those actions which, though indifferent in themselves, may be
causes of illicit sexual pleasure in oneself or others. Such
actions may be sinful in various degrees or not at all sinful; it
depends on, first, the danger of consent to the consequent
pleasure; second, the degree of connection with sexual pleasure;
and third, the reason for performing such actions. Since these
conditions vary with each person and with each action, the
application of the principles concerning immodesty is difficult.
Yet in spite of this difficulty, every person can and should have
an understanding of the principles sufficient for his own
personal needs in ordinary cases. Extraordinary cases should be
referred to a confessor.
The Third Principle of sexual morality, then, considers actions
which, though neither good nor bad in themselves, may arouse even
unwanted sexual pleasure in oneself. The Fourth Principle
considers similar actions which may arouse lust of any kind or
even unwanted sexual pleasure in others.
3. Granted that the danger of consent to any venereal pleasure
which might be aroused, is remote--Principle I--any deliberate
thought, imagination, reading, look, touch, or anything else
which may arouse sexual feelings is a mortal or venial sin, or no
sin at all, depending on the degree of sexual stirring such acts
cause in proportion to the reason for acting.
This principle is not so involved as it looks. Let us consider it
phrase by phrase. Danger of consent must be remote; that is, an
individual must know (usually from experience) that in certain
thoughts, reading, etc., he rarely consents to any physical
pleasure. If a person knows he usually consents to the sexual
pleasure arising from a look, touch, etc., he must avoid it
(Principle I). For him, it is a proximate occasion of sin, and
such close dangers of sinful consent must be avoided. However, an
occasional fall does not necessarily imply that a proximate
occasion of sin is present.
Even though danger of consent is slight, any action which of its
nature leads to even unwilled sexual pleasure is sinful, if done
without a good reason. It is a serious sin if the action is
closely connected with this pleasure and there is little or no
reasonable motive for doing it; for example, intimate touches
between adolescents. It is a venial sin if the action is only
slightly connected with sex pleasure and there is hardly any
reason for the action; for example, for a boy to look at the
picture of an immodestly clad girl deliberately but without evil
intention. It is no sin at all if the action is not ordinarily
connected with such pleasure; for example, the boy who
experiences the pleasure while riding a bicycle; or if there is a
reason which outweighs the danger of such physical pleasure; for
example, a doctor treating women. Therefore, two things must be
checked in this principle of immodesty. First, the connection of
the act in question with venereal pleasure. Second, the reason
for doing it. Naturally the closer the connection, the greater
the reason needed if the action is to be blameless.
The Connection of the Act with Sex Pleasure
The connection of any act with sex pleasure depends, in turn, on
two conditions: the sensibility of the individual concerned, and
the nature of the act. Each individual gradually finds out what
affects him, and must refrain accordingly. In cases where acts
stimulate him which are not ordinarily connected with sex
pleasure, for example, a boy riding a bicycle, a boy looking at
another boy in a bathing suit, or a girl at another girl, etc.,
these should ordinarily be simply ignored.
The stimulating nature of different acts depends on what is done
and to whom it is directed. An act directed to one of the
opposite sex is usually more stimulating than the same act toward
one's own sex. A passionate kiss is different from a brotherly
kiss, and so on. Some acts are very stimulating because they are
the ordinary preliminaries to the act of sexual mating. If one
has no right to the marital act (that is, is not married), he has
no right to the preliminaries. Such preliminaries are: passionate
kisses and embraces, "heavy" petting, touching the private parts
of the body, etc.[1]
Other acts are only slightly stimulating; for example, a light
embrace or kiss. Granted that consent is not given to any
accidental sex pleasure, these are venial sins if done without a
good reason.
To give you some norms by which to judge, a series of acts is
listed below. Those of the first group are considered seriously
sinful for the ordinary person, if done without a justifying
reason:
1. Deliberately looking at a person of the opposite sex entirely
or almost nude. Looking at really obscene pictures or
illustrations (unless very briefly).
2. Touching the private parts of the bodies of the same or
opposite sex, deliberately and/or lingeringly.
3. Attending highly suggestive or indecent movies, plays,
burlesque, etc.
4. Petting and kissing which are passionate or pro-longed.
5. Suggestive or immoral dancing.
6. Holding obscene thoughts in the mind. Note the difference from
impure thoughts, explained above (Principle II in preceding
chapter).
7. Telling or listening to extremely immoral and suggestive
stories.
The following actions are ordinarily venial sins unless justified
by a sufficient reason:
1. Immodest looks at the opposite sex (for example, in a bathing
attire) in a passing way or from curiosity or frivolity.
2. Embraces, kissing, "light" petting, indulged in for short
periods or out of levity. (Ordinary kissing games belong here, as
also many teen-age activities that cause parents and superiors a
good deal of worry.)
3. Telling lightly suggestive stories or reading them.
4. Suggestive thoughts entertained for a brief time, listening to
"dirty jokes" for the humorous element, etc.
The Reason
In determining what might be a good reason for these acts, it
must be kept in mind that the reason must be proportionate to the
effect. A doctor must do many things in his study and profession
which may cause venereal pleasure. This is also true for nurses,
educators, social workers, and many others. Again, a child must
learn some sexual matters as he grows older, despite the fact
that this knowledge may be stimulating. Moreover, recreational
reading excuses the excitation that might arise from some of the
pictures seen in the ordinary magazine, or the scenes described
in ordinary stories or books. The most that can be laid down as a
norm is this: acts of such a nature as to cause satisfaction or
near-satisfaction demand a very serious reason to justify them.
Acts which only slightly arouse the passions may be done for a
lesser reason. Remember, however, that all this holds only
deliberate delight in the venereal pleasure which might arise.
We shall put this in schema form to make it easy to remember:
1. Acts which of their nature may lead to sexual pleasure depend:
a) on the excitability of the individual;
b) on the stimulating nature of the act and the person to whom it
is directed.
2. These acts, done without a good reason are:
a) mortally sinful if they are of such a nature as to arouse
complete or nearly complete pleasure;
b) venially sinful if they are of a nature to arouse only slight
sexual pleasure.
3. A sufficient reason may justify them, always PROVIDED THERE IS
NO SERIOUS DANGER OF CONSENT to the pleasure which may arise.
Let us try to apply this principle to concrete cases.
1. Dr. A. studies anatomy and treats women in his practice.
Occasionally, the nature of his actions causes complete or nearly
complete pleasure, to which he refuses consent. Does he sin?
a) From his own nature, and from what he does, he is seriously
excited.
b) The action would be a mortal sin without a reason, but
c) his vocation of curing human ills gives him a sufficient
reason. He commits no sin.
2. Mary B. is a mature art student who has progressed so far
that, in order to continue, she must study the nude form. She is
frequently excited, but refuses consent. She commits no sin.
3. Joan B., her younger sister, aged 17, is also a budding
artist. She decides to study the nude with her sister. She too
experiences serious excitation to which she refuses consent. She
sins mortally if there is no reason at this stage to study the
nude, venially if there is a reason but it is used a little too
soon.
4. Joe, a boy of 14, finds that in bathing he experiences slight
sexual pleasure (no consent). He commits no sin. If he touches
himself out of curiosity, venial sin is committed.
5. Sadie, aged 15, reads through a picture magazine which has a
number of "lightly clad" illustrations. Out of curiosity she
looks at them deliberately, with a light venereal pleasure to
which she does not consent. She commits a venial sin.
6. Jack, 17, and Mae, 16, go to a Friday night dance. Though the
dances are not suggestive, they both experience some sexual
pleasure, to which they refuse to consent. No sin! Ordinary
dancing is a legitimate form of recreation.
7. Henry, 17, and Isabelle, 16, go out on a date. They indulge in
extensive petting, saying that they want to express affection and
protesting to themselves that they do not want the sex pleasure
resulting. They sin mortally. There is no good reason for these
stimulating acts, which are the normal preliminaries of the
marriage act.
8. Mike, 21, and Josephine, 20, are to be married in three
months. They are very frequently alone; they like to walk arm-in-
arm, to hold hands, to embrace on meeting and kiss at parting.
Josephine likes to rest her head on Mike's shoulder, and he likes
to put his arm around her waist. Sometimes they experience some
sexual pleasure, but they do not seek it, being determined to
reserve these pleasures for their marriage. They commit no sin at
all. They have every right to express decent love. If, however,
they indulge in passionate kissing, embracing and petting, they
sin seriously, no less than Henry and Isabelle above. About two
weeks before their wedding, both Mike and Josephine read an
important book on the duties of marriage. Some of the necessary
information violently excites them, against their will. They
commit no sin. They are obtaining necessary knowledge.
9. Sylvester, aged 16, finds himself excited on all sorts of
occasions. He is excited when he sees a girl take out a compact,
or walk along the street in modest dress, when he rides his bike,
when wrestling in the school gym, when swimming with boys his
age, etc., etc. He should ignore all this. He cannot go through
life with eyes closed, nor can he be expected to live as a
hermit. Sylvester may be suffering from some psychological or
moral problem. He should consult a priest. Parents will do well
to suggest this to him.
10. Marie experiences sexual arousal in the dressing room with
the other girls, against her will. She should learn not to be too
curious, but should not be worried about seeing the bodies of
those of her own sex. Even if her curiosity is a bit excessive,
it is at most a venial sin.
11. Jim, aged 14, has been concerned with sexual curiosity and
temptations for some time, and his dad is straightening things
out. During the instruction Jim experiences excitation. Must he
stop his father? No, he is obtaining necessary information and
training. He must, of course, refuse consent to the sexual
excitement.
12. Bill, aged 10, is sick, and his sickness demands that he
expose himself to his parents, nurse and doctor. Trained in
modesty, Bill is shy about this. His shyness, however, is so
severe that he becomes anxious and worried. He should be quietly
told that this is false modesty and that no fault whatsoever is
involved.
We think this principle is now quite clear. It is the one that is
most frequently to be applied in daily life. We would chance the
statement that most thoughts and a large portion of the actions
which worry adolescents are immodest (leading to lust) rather
than impure (actually lustful thoughts and acts). Most of the
movies and the pictures in newspapers and magazines that disturb
them, can be judged on this principle. We can venture further and
say that a large percentage of the actions which cause concern
are at most venial sins. Help these adolescents form a clear
conscience in these matters!
If any person in the above circumstances becomes worried about
consent, he can settle his doubt in either of two ways. First, he
can ask himself whether he whispers a brief prayer when such
feelings arise, for no one can pray for God's help and sin
mortally at the same time. Secondly, if he is wise, he will leave
off even legitimate activities occasionally just to show himself,
and God, that he does not do these things in order to enjoy
sexual pleasure, but for the good reason he has.
It is easy to see that this principle will depend a great deal on
the degree of passion in the nature of each person; and this
itself will vary as the person grows older. The rough
applications of the principle must be worked out by each one for
himself. Such applications, especially at first, should be
presented to a confessor for approval. A penitent's knowledge of
this principle will help the confessor tremendously, and will
help the penitent understand the confessor's decision. However,
one must take care not to apply one's own norms to others. It is
quite possible that others are more, or less, excitable than
oneself.
MODESTY CONCERNING OTHERS
The Fourth Moral Principle considers the danger of causing lust
or sexual pleasure in others: Any deliberate action which may
arouse sex pleasure, whether voluntary or involuntary, in
another, is a mortal or venial sin, or no sin at all, depending
on the sexually stimulating nature of the action in proportion to
the reason for acting. Or we might phrase it thus: Any deliberate
action which might cause, or help, another person to sin (on
Principles One, Two or Three) is a mortal or venial sin or no sin
at all, depending on the amount of danger in proportion to the
reason for acting.
Before discussing this principle we take it for granted that
there is no evil intention. If a person really desires to stir
lust in another, his intention is evil and he sins seriously even
though he does not succeed in his purpose. A girl, for example,
who would wear a "French bathing suit" in order to stir lustful
attention would sin seriously even though, as a matter of fact,
her appearance inspired only disgust. She would sin just as
seriously in intention if she donned a formless raincoat with the
purpose of causing lust. Even modest attire does not change an
evil purpose. Anyone who has such an evil intention knows he is
sinning, without the application of this principle.
Granting that there is no evil intention in our actions, this
Fourth Principle holds because we have obligations to our
neighbor. We may not do as we please if what we do is a danger to
his soul's salvation. Acts which endanger the spiritual life of
another are acts of scandal, and are forbidden because love for
our neighbor demands that we do not induce or help him to sin.
This principle especially concerns modesty in dress, and those
actions which are done in company with others. As we did in the
Third Principle, we must consider here the connection of an
action with the arousal of lust or sexual pleasure in another and
the reason for performing the action.
The Connection of the Action with Sexual Pleasure
The actions which might cause sins of impurity or immodesty in
another are sufficiently indicated in the list above (pp. 103-
104). That is, it is sinful to cause, or help, a person to sin by
violating any of the preceding three moral principles. Therefore,
if it would be sinful for John to look at obscene pictures (Third
Principle), it would be equally sinful for Joseph to give such
pictures to John. If heavy petting is seriously sinful for George
(Third Principle), it would be equally sinful for Mary to permit
such indecencies (Fourth Principle) even though she could
honestly say that the actions did not stir her passions. Again,
if listening to "dirty jokes" for the humor is venially sinful
for James, telling him such jokes is also a venial sin. In other
words, if a person's action is so stimulating as to be rather
certain to arouse lust in someone else (Principle I or II), or
even full involuntary sexual pleasure (Principle III), that
action is a mortal sin (Principle IV) unless there is some
serious reason to excuse it. If the action is but slightly
tempting, it is a venial sin, unless some adequate reason is
present. To understand why this is true, consult the portion of
this work which considers the psychology of sexual arousal (pp.
142ff.).
Those Who May Be Scandalized
It is especially important to consider the various groups of
people who might be tempted by one's actions to sin. The first
group comprises those who are looking for opportunities to sin.
Such people are scandalized by others in the same way as the
Pharisees of old. They blame others for giving them the occasion
of sinning, despite the fact that they are searching for the
occasions. No one has any obligation to avoid giving
opportunities to such people. They must solve their own problems.
For example, should a young man look with obvious lust on a young
woman even though her dress and actions are conventionally
modest, she has no obligation to change her manner of dress or
behavior.
The second group is composed of ordinary people who try to live a
chaste life. Divine charity obliges us to avoid giving them
occasions for sin. Therefore, any action which would bring some
well-intentioned person to sin, or to grave danger of sin, would
itself be sinful. For example, it would ordinarily be a serious
sin to tell a luridly obscene story to any normal unmarried
person. The last group includes those who, however well-
intentioned, are weak regarding their observance of the Sixth
Commandment. This group is composed of children, adolescents, and
any others who are known to be especially liable to sin.
Extraordinary precautions must be taken with this group. For
example, it would be seriously sinful to take a 14-year-old boy
to an indecent movie, even though the presentation would not
greatly disturb an adult. Again, once a boy or girl knows that
some action will stir lust in his or her partner on a date, the
performance of that action will be sinful unless a real reason
exists which excuses it.
The Justifying Reason
The reason which might justify otherwise immodest acts must be in
proportion to the effect. It would take a weighty reason to
justify a very stimulating action, a lesser reason to justify a
less stimulating one. For example, ordinarily it would be at most
venially sinful to give a slightly off-color book to a friend.
However, if one is asked for the book, the avoidance of a quarrel
might be a sufficiently justifying reason. Such a reason,
however, would not justify the loan of the book to an adolescent.
Again, it would be mortally sinful for a young woman to appear
nude before a man; not at all sinful for her to do so before a
doctor for necessary treatment or examination. To make these
things clear for the Fourth Principle, we shall summarize them in
schema form just as we did for Principle III:
1. Acts which might lead another to sin (according the First,
Second or Third Principles) depend:
a) on the stimulating nature of the act;
b) on the excitability of the individual concerned (Pharasaical,
ordinary, or weak).
2. These acts, performed without a good reason, are:
a) mortally sinful if they are such as to lead, or help, another
to sin mortally (by violating any of the first three principles);
b) venially sinful if they are such as to lead him to venial sin.
3. A sufficient reason may justify these actions, provided THERE
IS NO EVIL INTENTION IN THE ACTIONS.
APPLICATIONS OF THE FOURTH PRINCIPLE
1. Kate, a young woman, prepares for bed each evening with lights
on and blinds up. Her room faces the homes opposite, where she
knows several teen-age boys live with their parents. She insists
she has no evil intentions. Does she sin?
a) Her actions are certainly stimulating to any male onlooker,
and the individuals concerned are ordinary flesh-and-blood young
men, that is, certainly excitable in this case.
b) There can be no justifying reason. It would take but a moment
to pull the blinds or to turn off the light. Kate sins mortally.
2. Mrs. B. has suddenly been asked by her 14-year-old son all
about the facts of human generation. She knows her answers may be
dangerous, but, taking what precautions she can, she replies
frankly and fully to all his questions. Does she sin?
a) Her words may be stimulating because of the nature of the
subject, and her boy is in the weak class.
b) She has a perfectly justifying reason. If she loses this
opportunity, he may obtain his information from evil sources. She
does not sin, and should not worry. Indeed she is performing an
act of virtue, one of her parental duties.
3. Maureen, aged 17, fancies herself the "desirable" clinging-
vine type. She wears the extreme in evening dress and swim suits.
She "melts" over her date, allowing little room between the two
in his car. She experiences no passion herself, and claims she
merely wishes to indicate her friendship for him. If she realizes
what her actions are doing to her escort (and she should be made
to realize it), she sins seriously because the stimulation of her
attire and actions have no justifying reasons.
4. Leonard, aged 21, possesses some pin-ups which however are not
of an extremely vile nature. He shows them to his friends of the
same age. Does he sin? Since there is some danger here, though
hardly serious danger, he sins venially unless he has some
proportionate reason. If he should show them to his excitable
younger brother, he would come closer to serious sin.
5. Lydia is an attractive girl of 17. Her uncle, the big, bluff
type, always gives her a hearty hug when he passes and indulges
in other slaps, pats, etc. Lydia sometimes suspects that all this
is not in fun. Does she sin in allowing the familiarities?
Granting that Lydia does not encourage these things, she does not
sin because she has a sufficient reason: his relationship to her,
the presence of other members of the family, the scene which
would be created if she "stood on her dignity," etc. Perhaps some
older person would do well to show disapproval.
6. Mary, aged 19, likes and wears dresses which, while not
excessively revealing, are of the more extreme fashion. Her sin
is probably only venial. If she had a good reason--for example,
if it were really impossible to get more modest dresses--she
would be excused.
7. Jim, aged 16, indulges in antics in the nude while in the
dressing room with other boys. He has no evil intention of
stirring passions. There are younger boys present and also (he
knows) some who are more excitable than he. He sins mortally or
venially, depending on how much he realizes the danger into which
he is thrusting the others.
8. Dolores, while her dress is by no means immodest, is careless
about knee-crossing, her method of walking, her swirling dancing,
etc. She knows the boys are looking on with some glee. She sins
mortally or venially, depending on the degree of immodesty in her
acts. She has no excuse for ignoring the proprieties. If she did
these things deliberately to stir passion, it would be serious
immediately.
9. Joe knows that some of his friends are rather excitable in sex
matters. Yet, in the boys' dressing room, he does not hesitate to
undress before them. He commits no fault. He cannot avoid every
possibility, and they have the obligation to guard themselves or
to develop the proper attitude.
10. Lil plays basketball on a Catholic high school team. Their
gym dress is approved. Despite that she wonders about some of the
gallery, and she decides to quit the team. She need not do so,
since she has no obligation to avoid being the object of such
eyes. They must look to themselves.
There are many more problems on this principle. Some will be
found in the discussion aids. You will probably have many
problems yourself. Try to apply the principle and check your
applications with others.
DOUBLE STANDARD?
Many people have said that the Church teaches a double moral
standard, one for men and another for women. This is not true.
The four moral principles above apply in their full force to both
sexes. Lust is a serious sin in either sex and demands the same
expiation before God's seat of justice. However, because of the
different constitutions of the sexes, certain difficulties are
stronger in one sex than in the other and need more care. Men
usually have more difficulty and must be more guarded regarding
chastity in the strict sense and in modesty of eyes and touch.
Women must give more attention to the whole field of modesty,
particularly modesty concerning others. In the long run the
difficulties of the Sixth and Ninth Commandments come out about
even. If boys and girls will feel responsible for each other,
there will be far less trouble in this field which has so the
modern mind.
REASON FOR THE MORAL PRINCIPLES
Why do the Four Moral Principles in these two chapters point out
what is sinful? Because venereal pleasure is for the married
alone. Therefore, outside of marriage, to enjoy such pleasure,
desire it, think with approval of it as present, or take a chance
on causing it, is a sin Let us explain this by an example from
the Fifth Commandment. No one may take a life unjustly.
Therefore,
it is a sin to shoot a man (including yourself). It is a sin to
desire to shoot him, or to delight in his murder. It is also
sinful to chance shooting a man without a justifying reason. You
may have every right to hunt for squirrels, but not in a city
park on Sunday afternoon when all the strollers are there, for
then, if your stray bullet kills a man, you are responsible. You
might however, shoot at an escaped tiger on the city streets even
though a wild shot might hurt someone. In this case, you have a
reason (saving others) for allowing this to happen against your
will. It is the same with sexual pleasure outside of marriage.
You may not enjoy it, desire it, or think of it as present. You
may not, without a good reason, do anything that might cause it
even involuntarily in yourself or others.
This chapter is perhaps the most difficult in the entire book.
And yet it is probably the most important because the matter it
contains is so little understood by Catholics and non-Catholics
alike. However, it is not so very hard. Here is a re-statement of
the principles you have learned:
3. To take a chance of producing sexual pleasure in oneself
without a reason is mortal or venial depending on how close the
chance is. A reason may excuse from all sin or make a serious
matter light.
4. To chance causing lust or unwanted sexual pleasure in another
without a reason is mortal or venial, or no sin at all, depending
on what is done. A good reason may excuse from all sin or make a
serious matter light.
Throughout this chapter we have been concerned with judging the
sinfulness of actions. One word remains to be said. There is the
chance that some reader may think, "Oh, I can allow this to
happen, it is only a venial sin!" True, it may be only a venial
sin, but that too is an offense against God which should be
avoided as far as is humanly possible. Besides that, we should
not be content with avoiding sin, but should strive earnestly to
practice virtue. Therefore, let adolescents fully understand
these moral principles, and grasp the differences that have been
laid down; but once they know them, let them face resolutely
forward and determine to pursue virtue and not be content with
merely the minimum--avoiding mortal sin. The good automobile
driver should be able to gauge exactly the number of inches
between his speeding car and a precipice; but he remains a safe
driver only when he keeps as far from the precipice as possible.
CASES FOR SOLUTION
1. Jack and Jill, both 16, go for a hike with their "gang." When
lunch is being prepared, Jack takes a choice morsel and is just
about to eat it when Jill snatches it from him and runs. He gives
chase, catches her, and engages in a tussle to get it back. As he
does so, he experiences some sexual pleasure to which he gives an
emphatic "No!" He continues the tussle and finally triumphs. Has
he sinned? Should this experience give him a warning for the
future? In a similar case afterward, could he do the same without
sin? Would it be better not to do so?
2. Kathy is beautiful. A contest is being staged for Miss
Squeedunk of 19--, with attractive prizes. She decides to enter.
The contestants will, of course, wear bathing suits. May she
enter? (Consider the process: line-up, parade, onlookers, judges,
elimination, measuring tapes, etc.) Does she sin if she enters?
If so, how seriously?
3. Mazie wants to be a photographer's model. The pictures will be
published in popular magazines. Modeling will entail various
kinds of undress and posing for pin-up pictures. May she take the
job? Suppose she can get a job modeling clothing which really
clothes, and only an occasional job of the other kind will turn
up. Will that make any difference?
4. John, aged 14, decides to get a look into the girls' dressing
room at the gym. He knows he should not do so and he expects to
get quite a sexual thrill. Yet he sees nothing to excite him as
there are individual dressing compartments. Does he sin? How
seriously? (Mortally: Principle 1.)
5. Marjorie wants to be a majorette in her high school band. May
she? Discuss the implications in the usual dress for such a
function.
6. Dick and Charlotte are acrobatic dancers. The normal amount of
clothing interferes with their work. May they continue in this as
a profession? Should there be some norms in this matter? Are
there, in fact, any such norms? Does the intention of these
dancers (or aerialists, circus performers, etc.), to show skill
rather than exhibit bodies, make a difference? (Yes.)
7. James, aged 17, goes to a theater which has a stage
presentation in addition to the movie. Some of the jokes are
indecent and one or two of the dances suggestive. Must he leave?
Might it be better to leave? Discuss the proper procedure if he
may remain.
8. Joanne, aged 20, is advised by her doctor to get some sun. She
dons a very brief costume and climbs to the roof, which seems
safe from prying eyes. After some time she notices a head in the
distance which has managed by elaborate effort to obtain a view
of the "scenery." Must she give up her sun-bathing?
9. Henry, aged 16, goes to a public high school. After school
some of the boys gather to tell various suggestive jokes. Henry
occasionally is forced by circumstances to listen and cannot help
laughing (after all, they are funny). They are very stimulating,
but he rejects any incipient venereal pleasure. Does he sin? On
another occasion he deliberately listens and joins in. Again he
rejects the pleasure. Does he sin this time? He finds out after a
while that these stories linger in his mind and cause temptation
to which he sometimes gives consent. If he listens by choice, is
he responsible for these temptations? Must he consider the
stories an occasion of sin which he must avoid?
10. Elaine, aged 17, has an illness which demands a thorough
physical examination. May she present herself to a male doctor?
(You know the answer is "Yes," but apply the Principle to
discover the reason for your answer.)
11. Ruth plays basketball with a team which wears an acceptably
modest uniform. Yet she plays to draw the eyes of the gallery. If
she only wants to be "attractive," does she sin? If she wants to
stir lustful attention, does she sin?
NOTE: In each case, tell what principle is involved, in your
opinion, and go through it point by point. Please do not jump to
conclusions from your general knowledge! Go back to the cases
proposed in the text of this chapter and apply your norms to them
detail by detail.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. What is modesty?
2. Phrase Principle III in one of its three forms.
3. Decide this case on the Principle: Bill, aged 16, looks
through the New York Times Magazine Section. There are numerous
underwear advertisements. Bill looks at them curiously. He
experiences a very light sexual thrill to which he does not
consent. Does he sin mortally? Venially? Not at all? Why?
(Remember the procedure: What is done? What is its connection
with unwanted venereal pleasure for this person? What is the
reason?)
4. What teen-age activities that seem immodest worry you? Try to
apply the yardstick of this Third Principle to them.
5. What is Principle IV? Why should we take care not to cause
lust or sex pleasure in others? Have we any obligations to them?
6. Discuss immodesty in dress. In our modern costumes, just what
is immodest in your opinion (that is, tending to arouse lust or
venereal pleasure in an ordinary person)? Concrete cases will
come to mind. Discuss them and try to arrive at a decision. Is
immodesty in dress the only difficulty which comes under this
principle? What about touches, storytelling, etc.?
7. Must every occasion of sin to another be avoided in one's
actions? There are three kinds of people: the weak, the ordinary,
and the ill-intentioned. Which ones must you safeguard?
8. Does your last answer indicate any obligations toward children
and adolescents (weak)? Will this curtail activity which, though
not ordinarily scandalous, might cause scandal in children? Does
this make the divisions of the Legion of Decency movie list
reasonable? Does scandal mean shocked surprise or does it mean
inducement to sin? (Fourth Principle.)
9. Do Catholics defend a double standard of morality? Why does
it, at times, appear that they do?
10. Is our example from the Fifth Commandment a good parallel for
the Sixth? Do you understand now why our moral standard is so
high?
ENDNOTES
1. Many non-Catholic writers are now recognizing these facts, and
urging young people to avoid such actions as being cheap and only
imitations of true marital love. They argue that: (1) Heavy
petting teases the emotions without satisfying them, thus making
self-control more difficult, (2) Petting is properly a prelude to
the marital act; (3) It is selfish since it is done for the
thrill, not for love; (4) It breaks down reserve; (5) It cheapens
personality; (6) Many half-experiences make the next temptation
greater. Cf. Edson, "Love, Courtship and Marriage" (American
Social Hygiene Association, New York, 1933).
CHAPTER IX: EMOTIONAL ATTITUDES TOWARD SEX AND SEX EDUCATION
WHAT IS EMOTION?
The modern usage of the words "emotion" and "passion" is rather
vague, so we shall give our own definitions. The sexual or
venereal reaction is not what is meant here by emotion. That
reaction we shall always term "sexual passion." Thus (as will be
explained in the psychological section), the physical passion of
sex is an automatic reflex action similar to the secretion of
saliva or the mechanism of a blush. Emotion, in our sense, has
little or nothing to do with sexual pleasure. Emotion is best
explained by the word "feeling." It is how we feel about or react
to a problem or person, whether this be a feeling of pride,
content, anxiety, worry, joy, fear, or a hundred others. Emotions
have a physical basis; they are felt in the body. They may be
accompanied by sexual passion, but one is not the other. St.
Thomas numbers desire, love, joy, fear, hate, sadness, despair,
anger, etc., among the emotions. We may add to the list feelings
of exhilaration, anticipation, shame, jealousy, envy, worry,
anxiety, loathing, etc. Consequently, for a parent to have the
correct emotional outlook on marriage, sex, and the duty of sex
education, is to have habitually the correct feeling toward these
things. To give a child the correct emotional outlook on sex and
marriage is to give him the right feelings toward them.
EMOTIONAL ATTITUDE OF PARENTS TO SEX EDUCATION
It is difficult to list the correct emotions toward this problem
without repeating many things already mentioned. We have paused
at nearly every point to indicate the correct emotional attitude.
However, it may be helpful to list in this section, for
additional emphasis, some of the more important emotions.
Parents should feel joyful responsibility for the correct sex
education of their children; joyful because the successful
meeting of this obligation will bring genuine happiness to
themselves and their children. This sense of responsibility
should not beget despair, worry, or excessive anxiety.[1] Face the
duty confident that you can perform it with a little preparation,
good common sense, and of course, the help of prayer. Try to
manifest this sureness to your child. This you will succeed in
doing if you courageously answer each question. When it is
impossible to satisfy your child's needs immediately, at least
show a willingness to satisfy them later by looking up the matter
in the meantime. Be kind, patient, and even long-suffering with
your child's problems. While not demanding confidences (the
child, and particularly the adolescent, wants a corner of his
personality to himself), try to invite such confidence by a calm
sympathy with all his problems. Show, above all, that you are
never afraid of a problem even though time or circumstance may
force you to put it off temporarily. Your approach should be
frank, sincere, matter-of-fact, and without any indication of
shame, disgust or distaste. If carried out sympathetically, good
chastity education will prove a bond of intimacy between parent
and child, will bring a great deal of satisfaction to both, and
will help mature the character of all concerned.
Emotion and Children's Sins
Should your children fall into some sexual sin, show sadness, but
not shock. Encourage them to sorrow and Confession, and show your
confidence in their ability to remain chaste. Compassion and
sympathy are the chief emotions called for in this case. Refer
back to Chapter VI, p. 77, for a very important section on
emotions and children's sins.
Emotion toward Their Temptations
Show your children that you recognize the struggle they may be
facing at any one time and that you are "rooting on the
sidelines" for them. Never show surprise that your teen-agers are
struggling with "bad thoughts." Help them! Be ready (but not
"trigger happy") with good advice. Above all, never laugh at
their problems as though these were unimportant. To your
children, they are very important. You may laugh with your
children, showing them there is no need for worry, but never at
them.[2]
EMOTIONAL ATTITUDES FOR CHILDREN
To engender in your children the correct emotional attitudes
toward the body, sex, marriage and parenthood, you must yourself
have the correct attitudes, because tone of voice and many
unconscious acts do more to educate children than mere words. If
you have any wrong attitude, try to change it, or at least avoid
giving it to your children. What we have to say in the following
pages should be a guide not only for children's emotions but
also, in general, for parents' emotions.
Attitude toward the Body
A good Catholic should respect his body because it was created by
God. Every part of it is good! Since the body is good, to be
happy in the possession of a healthy, beautiful or handsome body
is well within the bounds of Christian modesty for boys and
girls, and reasonable adornment is not only permissible but
laudable. Such natural pride should be spiritualized, since the
body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and a member of the Body of
Christ. On the other hand, it is silly and a waste of time to
complain about the stings of the flesh as some young people do.
After all, temptation is a challenge, a test. Young people should
be more proud of passing that test than of making the football
team, leading the class, or being Queen of the May. Because they
have accepted that challenge, they ought to resent the activities
of those who hold up the impure and lustful as models.
Attitude toward One's Own Sex
Boys should be glad to be boys, and girls should be glad to be
girls. No good of any kind can come from wishing the opposite.
Boys should strive to be virile and masculine in the true sense
of manliness. Girls should be proud of their womanly virtues and
feminine traits. Neither sex should envy the other because
neither sex is, in reality, superior to the other. Though we must
defend the right of a father to be the head of the family, each
sex has its own proper superiorities. The sexes are not opposed
to each other, nor are they in a contest for supremacy. They are
complementary, and fill out each other's needs. They fit together
in every respect, like the right and left hand. It is a parental
duty to indicate, by word and example, the qualities which make a
masculine man and a feminine woman. Members of each sex should
learn to take in stride their bodily and psychological
difficulties (menstruation, muscular weakness, and temptation to
immodesty in dress for the girl; seminal emission, physical
temptation, and temptation to immodesty of the eyes for the boy).
These are a challenge to virtue and self-control.
For each sex there should always be a sense of modesty and
reserve even among themselves. Dressing rooms are always places
where Catholics are recognized as such. There should, however, be
no feeling of shame in these places. True shame should only be
connected with sins of impurity or immodesty. A girl should feel
ashamed to appear on a beach in immodest attire; a boy should be
ashamed of a frankly "roving" eye; but neither sex should be
ashamed of dressing or undressing among themselves, when
necessary.
Attitude toward Sexuality
The proper emotional attitude toward the sexual functions and
their possible holy use in marriage is well summed up in two
words, reverent wonder. The sexual powers are a trust from God,
something to be treasured, something to cause wonder at His
goodness, something to be carefully guarded and used ever
according to His law--in marriage only (cf. Chapter VI, pp. 69-
70). Since they provide the possibility of the highest physical
expression of human love; since, by their use, one can co-operate
with God Himself in bringing forth children for His kingdom--
these powers can only be received with awe and a determination to
preserve them inviolate at all costs. For this reason, shame,
hate, loathing or disgust must never be associated with sexual
acts in marriage. At the opposite extreme, there should be no
"smutty," lustful anticipation. Through parental instruction, the
child and adolescent should never be given the idea that the
sexual union is a dirty, shameful business, a defiling kind of
"fun," an act of forbidden pleasure somehow justified in
marriage. The child should be imbued with this attitude: "When
and if I marry, such sacred pleasure will be mine as a reward for
a virtuous act. Until then I am determined, with God's help, to
remain virginal." A normal, unimaginative anticipation should be
as natural as to say: "When I am twenty-one I may vote," and
"When I am old enough I may smoke."
"Especially in the realm of purity does reverence play a specific
role. Purity essentially involves a reverent attitude toward the
mystery of love between man and woman, a consciousness that the
sphere of sex is a realm which should be approached only with a
special sanction of God, which should fill us with awe. Purity is
incompatible with a general arrogant attitude toward being,
whether it assumes a frivolous, cynical character or a blunt,
smug familiarity with the mystery of the cosmos.
Purity demands respect for the beloved, respect for his body,
respect for the great mysterious union of two souls in one flesh,
respect for the mystery of the becoming of a new human being.
In education for purity, the role of the general attitude of
reverence cannot be overestimated. We cannot expect of a young
man a right attitude in the domain of sex if we neglect the
education of reverence in general."[3]
Attitude toward Temptation and Sin
Once our youth have appreciated the positive beauty and value of
sexuality, it will be easier for them to avoid violent fear of
sexual temptation. Excessive fear of temptation tends to fix the
mind on what is to be avoided, which would certainly be an
unhealthy state of affairs. However, there may well be a
reasonable fear of offending God, of losing the treasure of
virginity, and hence fear of the temptation which may cause the
fall. A quiet fear of this sort is healthy because it helps one
to avoid the danger. To this quiet fear it is proper to add a
sensible confidence in God, who does not allow temptation above
our strength, and who gives us help to overcome it if we ask Him
(cf. 1 Cor. 10:13). Many adolescents become very anxious about
the new feelings and imaginations they experience. They fear that
they are different from their comrades, and believe, at times,
that they are born wicked because of such unbidden thoughts and
feelings. In some cases, a boy (or girl) might consider the
possibility of having gone insane! Young people will breathe a
sigh of relief when you explain how normal and universal are
these experiences at their age. Should they wonder why these new
disturbances occur, it is well to explain the glandular changes
in their bodies and the psychological changes in their minds
which are but indications of their rapidly approaching maturity
(cf. Chapters X and XI). With this background of information,
boys and girls will soon learn to face these temptations calmly,
with the determination to remain chaste, and with confidence in
their own good will and God's help. To prevent both excessive
worry and sudden lapses into sin due to surprise temptations,
give them either of these two cautions as mottoes: "Don't look
for trouble, but don't be surprised when it comes," or "Be ready
but not anxious."
Neither a single sin nor a habit of sin should cause despair. An
individual fall should make one sorrowful but a great deal more
wise. A fall indicates one's weakness and points out where the
danger is to be faced and avoided. Never let a child think his
sin is unforgivable, or is too evil to confess. Every sin and
every evil habit can be forgiven and conquered with courage and
trust in God. Though one should be ashamed of sin, the shame must
not make it impossible to confess the sin and conquer it in the
future.
A very good attitude for a child to have in matters of purity and
modesty is a willing obedience to confessors and parents, even
without complete understanding of the reasons. Regarding
obedience, parents have a double problem. They must teach
obedience and yet give reasons. In the beginning, a child must be
taught simply to obey. He is too young to understand an
explanation. Gradually reasons must be given. The child must
understand that parents always have a reason, even if it is not
given at the time. He must learn to obey: first, from habit;
second, for the reason given; third, from the fact that there is
a reason even if it is not given or understood. A youngster who
demands a reason should be answered if possible. If the reason
will not be understood, obedience must nevertheless be exacted.
Beware, however, of giving a command from mere whim. Always have
a reason. As the years go on, more and more reasons must be
given, for the child must eventually learn to take over his own
thinking.
A great delicacy is needed in dealing with adolescents. The
adolescent needs to practice some obedience. He will even desire
it. Yet, at the same time, he wants more freedom to judge for
himself. Therefore, keep the reins but handle them lightly. You
should be able to free him from restraint by 18, if you have
given enough reasons to enable him to judge for himself, at least
with advice and counsel.
Attitudes toward the Other Sex
The relations between the sexes ought to be characterized by
mutual enjoyment, liking and respect. Chivalry, responsibility,
courtesy, together with a sensible caution and reasonable
modesty, should mark all their meetings and fun together. All
boys and girls must feel responsible for the purity of their
friends of the other sex. To have an enjoyable evening without
endangering one another, should be a challenge they willingly
accept. Such an enjoyable and sinless evening can easily be had
if young people plan the date or party in advance. In this
planning, parents can help by their suggestions for fun, by
occasionally offering their services as cook, and by their "in
and out" presence at any gathering. Above all, they must make
their children's friends welcome in their home.[4]
Young people occasionally face the problem of "following the
crowd." If an evil suggestion is made, they dare not show their
distaste or shame at the very thought. As St. Augustine remarks,
Catholics are sometimes "ashamed of being ashamed."[5] This would
be false shame. On occasion, Catholics must show that they are
different. It is high time that they began to set Christian
patterns in their own groups instead of mimicking the paganism
around them. Parents must encourage these Christian patterns more
strongly.
Attitude toward Marriage
Frivolous ideas of marriage should never be expressed in the
family circle. This does not exclude humorous jokes on the
difficulties of marriage, for how could anyone manage the rough
spots without a sense of humor? Nevertheless, marriage is a lofty
and serious affair, a noble state of life, and should be treated
as such.
It is quite appropriate to discuss some important family matters
in the children's presence. The seriousness of discussion and
care in arriving at a decision will make it clear that marriage
is a weighty undertaking. Again, there is no reason why family
secrets may not be discussed before the children. Children love a
secret and will be willing to keep one entrusted to them--
especially if they have been well trained in internal discipline
from the beginning. If they fail, they should be punished for
their disloyalty to the family. There are indeed "sacred and
intimate things which belong to family life, and are but
sparingly shared with others."[6] Incidentally, one of these sacred
things is the expected arrival of a new baby.
Almost all of married life is lived in the presence of the
children. Hence, all the expressions of love between husband and
wife must not be given in their absence. On the other hand, gushy
sentimentality is equally out of place. Affection cannot be
"acted out" for children, it must be real and unassuming. The
tone of voice means more than the words. Children clearly
perceive artificial tones for what they are--sheer pretense. Each
parent must examine himself to see how much sentiment he can in
reality express for his partner. After such examination, honest
and unassuming ritual should be incorporated into all home life:
a kiss before going to work and upon returning, courtesy,
respect, politeness between husband and wife, etc. The father
should definitely assume his role as head and ruler of the
household. The mother, on her part, ought to exemplify and assert
her place as "queen of hearts" in the home (cf. encyclical "On
Christian Marriage").
It is wise to try to avoid quarrels, or to hide them from the
children. Yet few households give enough privacy for private
discussions of this sort. Moreover, should the disagreement arise
before the children, the solution should also take place in their
presence. By this solution we do not mean a sentimental "patching
up." If both husband and wife have been at fault, there ought to
be a mutual and honest giving in. If one alone is guilty, an
honest admission and apology are in order. It may be hard to step
off the pedestal before your children, to show that you are of
common clay. Yet they will learn to respect you all the more as a
humble and brave person, since only a coward refuses to admit an
obvious fault. From such give and take, children will absorb
valuable lessons for later life.
When the attitudes listed in this section are present in a home,
children will absorb them easily, and will need scarcely any
formal instruction on the sacred and noble character of
matrimony.
Attitude toward Parenthood
Granted that no other vocation has been chosen, parenthood should
be pleasantly anticipated by both boys and girls. When parental
example is on the above bases, children will certainly deem it a
beautiful and wonderful vocation to have children, to love and
nourish them, to help them unfold their personalities, and to
build up in them strong Christian characters.
The Girl's Attitude: Every girl, as Pius XII beautifully reminds
us, should desire to be a mother, either in fact or in spirit.[7]
However, this desire must be realistic, for it is as disastrous
to have a wholly romantic picture as to have a wholly grim one.
Tremendous fear of the burden and danger of giving birth to and
raising a family should be as much avoided as idyllic pictures of
the beauties and consolations of motherhood unmixed with trials.
As part of their training for this probable future role, girls
should be taught to bear patiently the inconveniences of
menstruation. It is a small payment for their wonderful
development and function. All references to the "curse of Eve"
and the "plague of women" are out of place (cf. Maura Laverty,
op. cit., p. 63). Girls should not ordinarily be allowed to plead
sickness during the time of menstruation unless, of course, the
reaction is severe (in which case it might be wise to consult a
doctor).
Toward having children, the best and most realistic attitude is
that pointed out by Christ Himself: "A woman about to give birth
has sorrow, because her hour has come. But when she has brought
forth the child, she no longer remembers the anguish for her joy
that a man is born into the world" (Jn. 16:21). To accentuate the
pains without the joy or the joy without the pains is equally
unrealistic. The labor of travail is worthwhile, hard work: this
describes the proper attitude toward childbirth.
Some modern doctors insist that fear of pain creates all the more
pain.[8] Though many mothers may be skeptical of such medical
opinion, it has been shown that the pain of childbirth is
definitely less if recognized and faced. What pain there is may
well be made a sacrifice of expiation for sin, and of prayer for
the child. A young mother who anticipated, and had a very
difficult delivery (and who for medical reasons could not be
anaesthetized), resolved to offer her pain for the souls in
purgatory. Though she admitted she was not very brave at the
time, who will say that her initial offering of sacrifice was not
received? Confidence in modern medical care should eliminate most
of the fears of childbirth. More women by far die while pleasure-
driving in automobiles than while bringing new life into the
world!
Proper attitudes should similarly be engendered toward the
nursing of infants. Children, especially the younger ones, should
not be forbidden to see mother breast-feeding the baby. Moderns
are accustomed to all kinds of immodesty, yet are prudish in
their view of this beautiful act. A curious inversion of values
indeed! A mother should be proud of her duty and function. It
should never be considered disgusting or shameful. Many doctors
are returning to the age-old conviction: all factors being
favorable, no bottle or formula can take the place of a healthy
mother's milk.[9]
In all these matters the example of the mother is everything.
When she is "expecting," she should be proud and joyful, and all
the family should rejoice in the family "secret." Her noble,
happy, realistic attitude, not only toward giving birth but
toward all the duties of motherhood, has more influence than any
words she may use.
The Boy's Attitude: The attitude of an adolescent boy toward
parenthood should be that it is a joy and a responsibility. He
should know that women suffer pain at childbirth, and that this
is normal. But he must not have the idea that a husband should
regard such pangs in a coldly indifferent light, nor on the other
hand feel guilty and remorseful about them. If his early training
causes him to say when he becomes a father, "I'll never allow
this to happen to my darling again," it has given him a false
view of marriage. Here, too, parental example is paramount. The
love, care, respect and consideration a boy has seen his father
show toward his pregnant mother mean much more than words. Again,
if a father evidences joy in his children, really assists in
raising them, takes part in the life of the family, and gives
evidences of his careful planning for all, his boys will learn,
from their earliest years, the correct attitude toward
parenthood. Too many men look on their children as necessary
nuisances which their long-suffering wives should control, quiet,
and send to bed early. Fathers are parents too! They have the
obligation to head their families in all things, including child-
training.[10]
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Is passion the same as emotion? Are emotions good in
themselves? (Yes.) When is an emotion bad? (When it is not the
one which correctly fits the situation.) Can emotions be
controlled? Can correct emotions be learned? Give examples.
2. What emotions or feelings would you say this book has given
you toward the duty of sex education? Do they correspond to the
ones we have listed as necessary?
3. Should you demand confidences from your children? Why, or why
not? Would it be a good idea to tell one child's confidences to
the rest of the family? To your husband or wife? Discuss this
matter.
4. What circumstances may be used as a reason to defer sex
instruction or education? (Lack of privacy, too busy, etc.)
Should this delay be long?
5. How do you react to a discovery of sin in your child? How
should you react? Are you surprised at temptation in yourself or
others? Give some concrete cases of "laughing at" and "laughing
with" children in their problems.
6. Is it wise to follow up suspicion based on good grounds? Give
some example of founded and unfounded suspicions.
7. Do you believe that adolescence is a period for "sowing wild
oats" and that nothing can be done about it?
8. Is the body evil? Good? Half and half? Can one be born bad? Is
self-adornment unchristian? Why? Why should not a girl wish that
she were a boy? (Boys seldom desire to be girls.)
9. Is one sex inferior to the other? Discuss this. List the
superiorities of each sex side by side. Do you find the same
number in each? Is each quality of equal value?
10. How, concretely, should your boy or girl act in a dressing
room?
11. What common-sense attitude should characterize a boy's or
girl's outlook on sexual things in marriage? What are some
prevalent false notions? Can you add to our list?
12. Is fear always bad? (No!) What kind is? What kind is not?
Does violent fear fix temptation? Can you corroborate this from
personal experience?
13. How can we use failure to our own advantage? Do you believe
this statement, "In education, mistakes are almost as important
as success"? Do teachers correct and return papers? Has this any
value? Does it suggest the value of correcting behavior, manners,
and morals? Is it enough to point out with a check mark what is
wrong, or must reasons and helps be added?
14. Is one child different from another? Are there both
resemblances and differences? Will it help a child to understand
this?
15. Is there any sin which cannot be forgiven, if one has the
proper dispositions?
16. Has obedience any connection with chastity? Should obedience
or reasons come first? Should they come together? Or sometimes
one, sometimes the other? Are there laws which even adults must
obey though they may not understand the reasons? Will it help a
child to understand this?
17. What two words crystallize a proper approach to the opposite
sex? (Responsibility and respect.)
18. Must a Catholic at times be different? How can you answer an
objection like this: "But all the kids at school are Catholic and
they are doing it!" (Are all doing it? Are they Catholic in doing
it?) Do you think parents could organize to prevent this
indiscriminate "following the crowd"? (Apply this to beach and
sports wear for girls and boys, late hours, dating, etc.)
19. A girl of 16 observed her father ogling women on the beach.
He turned to her and said. "If you ever wear a bathing suit like
that, I'll kill you." Why was she bewildered? Which was more
powerful, his example or his words? Will she obey him?
20. Is marriage a serious vocation? Do your actions prove your
convictions? Do you agree that quarrels can be kept from
children? Can this be done perfectly?
21. Are there family secrets? Would you punish the child who
blurted out your monthly income? Would you punish him for talking
about his bodily functions except in necessity? About a new baby
still months off? Should you?
22. Will it help a girl to face the difficulties of motherhood if
you tell her, "Mother went down to death's door for you"? What is
a realistic approach to motherhood? Is embarrassment at obvious
pregnancy healthy? Should an expectant mother refuse to be seen
in her "condition"? (What a word!) A little girl of 10 was asked,
"Wouldn't you like to continue school and be a nurse, or teacher,
or career girl"? "No," she answered, "I want to be a mother." Is
this a healthy or unhealthy attitude?
23. What is a healthy attitude toward fatherhood? Are many
fathers refusing to be parents today?
ENDNOTES
1. Throughout this chapter each suitable or unsuitable emotion
will be printed in italics. After reading the somewhat involved
presentation you need only glance over the italicized words to
see which emotions are desirable and which are to be avoided in
each case.
2. For the way to use comradely laughter, cf. a beautiful sex
instruction reported by Maura Laverty in "Never No More"
(Longmans Green, New York, 1942), pp. 61 ff. This instruction is
worth study for emotions, words, and the wise thought behind it.
3. Von Hildebrand, Dietrich, "The Role of Reverence in
Education," in "Lumen Vitae," 1949 (IV), p. 636. Quoted with
permission of the publisher.
4. For further helpful suggestions, cf. Lord, Daniel, S.J., "Some
Notes for the Guidance of Parents" (The Queen's Work, St. Louis,
1944).
5. "Confessions of St. Augustine" (Sheed and Ward, New York,
1943), 11, 9, p. 37.
6. King, op. cit., p. 23.
7. Cf. "Women's Duties in Social and Political Life," Paulist
Press, New York, 1945.
8. Cf. Read, Grantly Dick, "Childbirth without Fear," Harper and
Brothers, New York, 1946.
9. Cf. Rice, Frederick W., M.D., "The Function of Lactation," in
"The Family Today" (N.C.W.C. Press, Washington, D.C., 1944), pp.
96ff., also Carrel, Alexis, "Breast-feeding for Babies," in
"Reader's Digest" (June, 1939); and Newton, Niles, "Breast-
feeding--Psychological Aspects," in "Child-Family Digest" (New
Orleans, La., January, 1952), pp. 56 ff.
10. For attitudes toward children, cf.: "A Mother Looks at Birth
Control" (The Queen's Work, St. Louis, 1947); "Are Women a Lost
Sex?" in the "Luguorian Magazine" (October, 1947), pp. 433 ff.;
"Parenthood" (The Queen's Work, St. Louis, 1946); Nutting,
Willis, "Parents Are Teachers" (Liturgical Press, Collegeville,
Minn., 1949).
CHAPTER X: PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS IN CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION
Our division between psychological and emotional factors is
merely arbitrary. Emotion refers to feeling about things, whereas
psychology, in our sense, refers to an understanding of how the
human being reacts in various situations connected with sexual
facts. In the previous chapter we explained the proper emotional
attitudes toward these problems. In this chapter we shall
consider the origin and control of sexual passion, the psychology
of love, the psychology of discipline, and the psychology of
adolescence.
HOW SEX PASSION ARISES
In general, sexual passion or venereal pleasure: (1) arises from
a stimulus of touch, sight, smell, imagination, or any
combination of these; (2) arises more quickly in the boy than in
the girl, and usually from a different combination of
circumstances. Of course, experiences vary almost infinitely,
depending on the individuals concerned and the circumstances
involved. We list here merely the generally accepted outlines. An
individual must not be considered abnormal merely because he does
not conform to this composite picture.
Because of our fallen and perverse inclinations sexual feelings
are not under the direct control of the will. Sexual passion is
an automatic reaction that arises when certain mental or physical
stimuli are applied. The reactions are similar to the workings of
the digestive organs. The sizzle and aroma of a broiling steak
will cause feelings of hunger in a man who was not hungry a
moment before. In the same way, romantic imaginations, pictures
of nudity, remembered images of beaches, movies and plays,
suggestive conversation, ogling eyes, caresses, loving embraces,
handling of one's own or another's body, passionate kisses, etc.,
will ordinarily cause the beginnings of venereal pleasure.
Since this reaction is automatic, the only way to control it is
to cut off its source. No individual can validly protest that he
"does not want the pleasure," if without any reason he continues
the act which directly brings it on. He cannot will the cause and
protest the effect[1] Therefore, imagination, touch, sight,
hearing, or anything potentially immodest must be controlled.
Children should first be taught to control (not suppress!) their
imagination. Then they should absorb a spontaneous modesty in
dress and action. As they grow older, they should learn the
connection of immodest acts with the danger of arousing passion.
In this way they will acquire that enlightened self-control which
purity presupposes.
How To Control the Imagination
It is not enough to say to a child, "Now, you ought to control
your imagination." The child must be shown how. Images cannot be
forced from the mind. Such an attempt will but fix the image more
firmly. As an example, imagine a beautiful diamond ring before
your eyes. Now keep saying, "I do not want to think of a diamond
ring. Ring, away from my mind!" Do you see how the ring remains
central in your effort? To eliminate the picture of the ring, you
might concentrate on a golden orchid to harmonize with your mauve
dress (or, if you are a man, imagine a pin-stripe double-breasted
blue suit). The ring is gone. Only by substituting a vivid and
detailed image of something equally, or more, attractive can an
undesirable image be changed. Therefore, to help change an image,
remember this motto: "Details carve an image." When we tell a
child to think of something else, we speak wisely; but "something
else" is too vague. The best way to introduce a new image is by
minute visualization, the more detailed the better. No one who
likes a "banana split" can have an immodest image in his mind if
he can see his favorite confection down to the brown dots on the
bananas! Since all children and adolescents are skilled (though
they may not admit it) at make-believe, give them a definite
subject of equal or greater attraction and the disturbing images
will disappear.
Opportunities for teaching imagination control can be found in
nightmare and "can't sleep" difficulties by showing the child how
to go off to sleep thinking of something else. First, wake the
child completely (for if he is only half awake, his mental slant
will return him to the same dream); then suggest a topic for
make-believe or imagination control: "Remember that trip we made
to New York last year? Remember how you liked that ferry ride?
What did you like about it? Now go off to sleep planning how you
would use that ferry just for yourself!" A picnic trip, amusement
park, window-shopping jaunt, can all be used. In a similar way,
help him when he discovers difficulty with study, distractions in
prayer, etc. Here, of course, the imagination should be
stimulated in the direction of an activity away from it.
Some young people have special images upon which they call in
times of temptation: planning of a model airplane, boatbuilding,
dressmaking, devising electrical contraptions or photographic
equipment, etc. Some play out mentally a game of ball, tennis or
chess. It is, then, easy to see the advantage of an absorbing
hobby. There is a similar advantage in games and toys which
demand ingenuity. As a matter of fact, we do too much for
children, for modern toys are over-perfect mechanically, and even
childhood games are now cut and dried. Few, if any of them, leave
room for inventiveness. Modern recreation for adolescents too
frequently fails in this respect. Too many young people today
listen to TV, the radio, watch movies or ball games, and go
places to be entertained. They do not know how to be active.
Sports or other interests should be encouraged in which they can
be moderately successful and which demand effort of body and
mind, such as tennis, swimming, volley ball, baseball, football,
basketball, ping-pong, badminton, boxing, music, hiking, skiing--
in short, anything in which they can become engrossed bodily,
mentally and imaginatively.
We should like to point out here the need not only for hobbies
but also for truly intellectual pursuits which are not mere side
lines. Modern American culture tends to regard the day's work,
whether supporting a family or going to school, as time lost from
more worthwhile pursuits, which to many are recreation and
hobbies. Yet each one's daily work, no matter how humble, should
be engrossing and interesting. It will become interesting when
one sees it as a whole without excessive concentration on the
trials and difficulties. In the same way, school work should be
interesting for children, and parents should encourage this
interest. If a young person really enjoyed the study of religion,
history, sociology, good literature, languages, sciences,
psychology or mathematics (all of which could be enjoyable were
adults ready to provide an encouraging background), that youth
would have little time or inclination for forbidden romancings,
and would hardly ever choose sexual topics to fill the silences
in social meetings. Indeed, there would be no silences! In
struggling to encourage intellectual and cultural pursuits,
parents may seem to wage an ever-losing battle with their
environment; yet the slightest gain will bear fruit in happiness
and contentment for their children.
Venereal Motions and Physical Condition
Sexual feeling is liable to arise, even spontaneously, if the
general physical condition is either very high or very low. If
one is fresh, pleasantly relaxed, full of vitality, and has
nothing to do, or, on the other hand, is markedly weary or even
exhausted, sexual motion may arise unbidden. Consequently,
moderation is demanded in the activities of the young. As a
general rule, children should be reasonably tired at bedtime from
a busy interesting day, not from sheer boredom. Adolescents, too,
should be busy but not dropping from exhaustion. For these and
other reasons, late hours should be forbidden. Every adolescent
needs at least eight hours of sleep and should have them.
Moderation in cleanliness, luxury, etc., is also important. Beds
should not be too soft, nor covering too warm. Clothing should
not be too tight or caressing, food too rich, furniture too
luxurious, baths too hot. Again, a dirty, sticky body may lead to
temptation, while on the other hand a fanatically well-cared-for
body, effeminately clean, may likewise be a danger. In these as
in most other things, a common-sense, middle course is best.
It happens, though rarely, that a child experiences almost
continual sexual reactions through no fault of his own. In such a
case, the help of a competent physician should be sought
immediately, since the condition probably has a physical cause
which can be corrected.
When unbidden physical temptation arises, forcible attempts to
conquer it will rarely be successful. Rather, teach the child to
change position, loosen tight clothing, go for a brisk walk, etc.
Thus, natural energy will be directed into proper healthy
channels and drained from this sexual preoccupation.
Cycle of Temptation
Whether the devil is responsible, or whether the fact is founded
in our human nature, there seems to be a cycle or rhythm in
temptations. For several weeks they may come in avalanches. Then,
for a week or two, there will be comparative quiet. We think the
battle is over, and sigh with relief. But no! The devil seems to
leave off in this way just so we will drop our defenses and be
caught by the next barrage. After the lull comes a fresh storm.
We see from this that vigilance, prayer, and caution about the
occasions of sin should continue. In time of peace, prepare for
war! If prayer and alertness are steadily maintained, the
temptations will gradually be conquered. But if, in times of
quiet, chances are taken with dangerous reading, etc., when the
temptation returns, its force may be too great for us.
PSYCHOLOGY OF BOYS AND GIRLS
Boys are more tempted to physical pleasure (in imagination and
reality), whereas girls are rather attracted to the romantic.
Boys naturally tend to be active, to look, to caress, to take the
initiative. Girls are naturally receptive. They desire to be
attractive, to draw loving glances and attention, to be embraced,
etc. A knowledge of this difference of reaction in the sexes is
of great importance for adolescents. Boys must learn to guard
their eyes, to control their active tendencies, to beware of
familiarities, to restrain their bent to quick sexual excitement.
Girls should avoid daring dress, excessively romantic love
stories, the use of wrong means to gain attention, and they
should restrain their desire for caresses.
On dates, each partner should feel responsible for the other. A
caress that would be carelessly welcomed by a girl is likely to
kindle a fire of passion in the boy. She should understand this;
and also, she should know that once her passions are aroused she
may possibly have less control than the boy. On the other hand,
the boy should understand that a girl's welcome reception of a
caress or embrace does not necessarily indicate desire for sexual
pleasure on her part. It is true that responsibility for sins on
dates is usually about equal, for the boy should have restrained
his active tendencies and the girl her passive ones. Yet, because
of her slower reactions which provide time for weighing the
consequences of her acts, a girl will find that she can be in
command of any situation, provided she has chosen a reasonably
upright boy for her partner. The members of each sex will find
that, although different things must be guarded against by each,
the necessary quantity of restraint, self-control and
mortification is about equal for both.
Understanding this difference of masculine and feminine reactions
will be of value to young people when they enter marriage. The
masculine nature seeks quick physical satisfaction, the feminine
nature demands prolonged marks and expressions of love. The very
knowledge they have used to prevent sin before marriage, can be
rightly used to help express their love in marriage.
PSYCHOLOGY OF STIMULATION
It is necessary to dwell for a moment on the various kinds of
immodesty which are to be seen on all sides. Examples include
pin-ups, "cheesecake" and "billboard art," excessively scanty
swimming, dancing or sport costumes. These kinds of immodesty are
found both in real life and in pictures, whether drawn, painted,
photographed or moving.[2] There is no doubt that adolescents find
this fashion of nudity or near-nudity a great source of conflict.
Their Catholic instinct and training warn them of the danger of
such costumes, and yet it is difficult to act against the pagan
manners of the times. It is a great help to them to have
practiced modesty from an early age, and it is also helpful for
them to understand why these immodesties are wrong.
First of all, it is hardly deniable that the sight of the female
breast and thigh, whether in reality or pictured, is sexually
stimulating to the ordinary male. The stimulation is greater if
these parts of the body are lightly veiled, artistically
accentuated, or if the clothing seems about to fall off. "Art"
can hardly be urged as a justification, because many editors,
columnists, story writers, and night-club owners frankly admit
this appeal to the lower passions.[3] Some authorities hold this
body worship responsible for many marital difficulties and even
for marital infidelity. Now, if this costuming or lack of it is
sexually stimulating, it is more or less sinful to indulge in it;
that is, generally speaking, it is more or less sinful to look at
such pictures or appear in such costumes, depending on the
circumstances (cf. Moral Principles III and IV).
However, it is sometimes difficult to understand why these things
are sexually stimulating. If the body is good, why must we hide
it in clothing? It might seem that, as long as the sexual organs
themselves are covered, further precautions are unnecessary. The
answer is this: Sexual stimulation involves more than the sexual
organs themselves. Certain bodily zones are involved in the acts
preliminary to a marriage embrace. The male is naturally
attracted to see and touch these regions. The female is naturally
attracted to be seen and touched. Living as they do in the midst
of what may be called a cult of nudity, adolescents (particularly
girls) do not realize the sexual implications of this undress.
For their own good, therefore, it is necessary to make them
understand it.
Lifelong training in a reasonable and reasoned modesty of eyes,
touch, and dress is necessary for all. For the young child,
modesty of dress should mean remaining covered at all times
except in necessity, for example, at bath times, sickness,
inspection by parents, etc. Modesty of eyes should mean not
inspecting the bodies of others. Modesty of touch should mean
"hands off" the private parts of self or others. At first, the
reason for these practices can be based on desire for one's own
privacy and respect for the privacy of others. Later the Third
and Fourth Moral Principles can be given in a general way; that
is, it is forbidden to chance sexual stimulation in oneself or
another without some good and sufficient reason. Finally, if and
when an adolescent refuses to recognize the danger to himself or
another (the latter is sometimes more difficult to see), parents
must indicate the reason behind training in modesty. "These
attractive parts of the body are used in the preliminaries of the
marriage act (or, the act from which children come). Since you
are not married, you have no right to either the marriage act or
to the preliminaries. So be sensible, guard your eyes, refuse to
follow the fashion of nudity, of petting, passionate kissing,
etc., for all these things have the same reasons against them."
Movies cause difficulty not only by setting up models of immodest
dress, but also by portraying the passionate kiss. Usually this
portrayal is not too dangerous to view as long as the onlookers
do not identify themselves with the actors. However, what is seen
on the screen is often imitated in real life. Many teen-agers try
out the "technique" learned from the screen on their next date.
Then, of course, their purity is endangered.[4]
PSYCHOLOGY OF LOVE
Even among Catholics, the most amazing ideas of love's true
nature exist. Some think that love is automatic and inevitable.
In their opinion, once a person "falls in love," nothing can be
done about it. Should a non-Catholic, or a divorced person, or a
drunkard be the object of that love, it was nevertheless so
destined. For such people, love is caught like a contagious
disease. Similarly, many think that once love is felt, any
expression of it, whether moral or not, is perfectly legitimate.[5]
People very commonly hold these opinions because they identify
romantic love with all love. Though they speak of parental love
and divine love, few consider these "real love" since the
romantic element is lacking.
Love can exist on the level of reason and will, the emotional or
romantic level, and the physical level or that of sexual passion.
Conjugal love should comprise all three levels in a combination
which may vary from couple to couple and from circumstance to
circumstance. However, in its simplest sense, love is merely the
desire of something good. When a person desires something good
for himself, he loves with the love of concupiscence, a love
which can easily degenerate into greedy selfishness. When he
desires that good for someone else, he loves with the love of
benevolence, a more noble well-wishing purified of all self-
interest. It should be obvious that marriage must rest on a
mutual love of well-wishing. Marriage experts all agree that
selfishness is the greatest enemy of happiness in marriage.[6]
Now, strong emotional or romantic feelings may accompany either
the love of concupiscence or the love of benevolence; just as
physical passion can accompany either. But neither the romantic
feelings nor the passion must be considered the basis of true
love.
Why? First of all, when emotion or passion is made the desired
good, love soon fades, because neither emotion nor passion is
under complete control of the lovers. When emotion and passion
die, and die they will from time to time as their object becomes
an accustomed one, there is nothing else to love! And secondly,
love based only on emotion and passion is naturally selfish
because the thrill of emotion or the sexual pleasure is the
object of desire. The lover naturally wants it for himself, and
it is extremely difficult to desire these thrills for his beloved
unless he loves for some other reason! On what, then, can true
love be based? It can be based only on the real or potential
qualities of the beloved person. Once a lover recognizes his
beloved as a person who is agreeable, lovable, full of good
qualities with more to be developed; once the lover is willing to
sacrifice himself, to give all of himself to the beloved, then
and then only can he claim to love with nobility. When his main
concern is the entire good of his beloved (both spiritual and
physical), then romance and physical desire may (and should)
embroider and complete the love.
The emergence of the love upon which marriage may safely be
based, does not follow any set pattern. In some cases, romance or
physical desire may precede love of a person. Occasionally
physical desire is long delayed. Whatever the pattern for rising
love, it is always important that the mind guide the heart, that
reason guide the will, that clear vision guide the feelings.
Hence it is imperative to caution the adolescent lest he identify
his love of romance with love of the person who may cause the
romantic feelings. A bobby-soxer's swoon at the sight of a curly
head or the sound of a husky voice is not love.[7]
In Love with Love
In this connection, St. Augustine offers a penetrating analysis
which may help to explain some thoughtless sins.[8] Young people
feel very much the need of love even before realizing what it
really is. They are "in love with love." They are so anxious to
experience this adult emotion that they often try out whatever
popular opinion considers it to be: if it is sexual liberty,
petting or kissing, then they experiment with these means in the
attempt to discover this thing that everyone talks about.
Occasionally they go even further, despite their better judgment,
simply under the force of romantic propaganda. The results are of
course as ashes in their mouths, for physical love can only bring
real joy when subordinated to higher spiritual values, and when
used according to God's law, in marriage. Natural law and moral
law both come from God; they cannot be in opposition to each
other.
Young men and women must understand that there is sufficient time
to discover the fullness of conjugal love in marriage, and that
they will but blunt this holy love if they try to find it too
soon. The time of adolescence is the time to grow up. The happy
experiences of meeting other boys and girls, and of learning the
arts of social life, must not be sacrificed to an eagerness for
present enjoyment of every possible thrill.
Attraction
There are several steps of attraction between the sexes, all of
them on the emotional level. They are, a general attraction to
the other sex, a particular attraction to an individual, and
lastly, a physical attraction.
On reaching puberty, boys and girls are surprised and sometimes
alarmed to find themselves attracted to each other whereas a few
months before they were repelled. Girls realize with amazement
that they are attracted to older boys, and that they themselves
feel shy and afraid! Explain to girls that they mature earlier
(though boys catch up later); and also that their shyness is due
to discomfort in a new situation and to a natural modesty which
urges caution. Neither boys nor girls should be teased concerning
this new awareness, nor, on the other hand, treated with all
sorts of solemn warnings. It is best to show that this change is
perfectly natural. Kindly fun in the family circle is permissible
as long as it does not degenerate into the sort of joking that is
very hard on its victim. Any funmaking should involve and express
pride that a son or daughter is growing up. If warnings are
necessary, always add that the attraction to the opposite sex is
natural at their age and to be expected. From this time on,
meetings of adolescents for outings and fun together should be
not so much hindered as supervised.
Attraction to a particular person will then follow. Personal
attraction is usually felt for someone who complements a boy or
girl emotionally and intellectually. The two "get along"
together. This emotional, personal attraction may grow to the
proportions of a "puppy love" affair. A first crush of this kind
should usually be ignored. The youth will grow out of it rather
quickly. Only if the person involved is of dubious character
should steps be taken--and then with the greatest delicacy, for
the adolescent may resent interference. At a later date, such an
emotional or romantic attachment will be a prelude to marriage.
Even in that case, the attachment must be guided by intellect and
will. If the person who is the object of such emotion is of poor
character or marriage is impossible for a long time to come, the
individual must "fall out of love." Should the romance continue
without any possibility of marriage, it will almost certainly
lead to sin. The remedy is the usual one of removing the cause:
not seeing the person, getting rid of keepsakes, pictures, etc.,
and busying the mind about other things. Generally speaking, it
is possible to "fall out of love" even when romantic attachment
is involved.
Physical or venereal attraction may come at any time, with or
without love or romantic attraction. It has its proper place in
marriage, but unfortunately does not always stay there. Both the
married and the unmarried must be careful of physical attraction
to others.[9]
PSYCHOLOGY OF DISCIPLINE
Discipline is most difficult to describe. It is the training of
the character of a child. The objective of discipline is to
develop the child's moral fiber so that he can gradually stand
alone as an integrated personality with all his appetites and
desires under proper control. Discipline is interior and
exterior. Interior discipline is simply self-control which keeps
all activity directed to the goal of life. Exterior discipline
means the external controls which gradually bring about interior
discipline.
To form interior discipline or self-control, it is necessary to
give the child the best of good example and all possible good
motives, natural and supernatural--from the motive of becoming
mature to that of acting for love of God. For example, a child
should learn control of his tendency to blurt out all the family
secrets. This he can do only if he has the example of his parents
who keep his little secrets. Further, he needs the motives of
loyalty to family; of desire to be sufficiently "grown-up" to be
trusted with a secret; and ultimately, of loyalty to God.
For a child to absorb such high motives, however, takes time.
Therefore, until such internal discipline is learned, parents
must help along with exterior discipline: they must be good
disciplinarians. This does not mean to be strict and severe, as
so many believe. "A good disciplinarian is one who can influence
a group (or even one person) to keep themselves in order."[10]
How can parents influence their children to keep themselves in
order? Besides good example and the constant inculcation of good
motives, they must use the external helps of reward and
punishment.
Reward
Many parents are afraid to use reward to teach virtue because
they feel it is an attempt to pay a child for acting virtuously.
This is a mistake. True, we should not attempt to pay for virtue,
but payment and reward are quite distinct. Payment is giving an
agreed amount for a proportionate effort. For example, some
parents pay a child a certain sum of money weekly for washing
dishes (most authorities are against such a practice). Reward,
however, is not proportionate to the action (it may be greater or
less), and it is not agreed upon beforehand. As an instance of
the wise use of reward, consider this incident. A father noticed
a torn-up comic book in his young son's wastebasket. When he
questioned the youngster, he found that the booklet was discarded
because the pictures were immodest. Very much impressed, the
father immediately purchased a beautiful child's book which his
son had long desired, as a palpable reward for the virtuous
action.
Virtue is its own reward, in the sense that any really virtuous
action is a perfection and when one is conscious of the
perfection he feels bigger and more a man or woman. But children
do not experience this so easily, and the difficulty of
triumphing over their passions, such as anger or desire for fun,
seems at times to outweigh the satisfaction of virtue. Hence,
parents must implement the interior satisfaction with wise
material rewards and also with praise and social approval or
honor.
Honest praise is a powerful reward, which unfortunately is not
used sufficiently by parents to encourage virtue. Too often we
take goodness for granted and notice only the faults. A little
girl had been trying to be good all day, and when it was time for
bed, her mother found her in tears. When questioned, the tot
replied: "Well, haven't I been pretty good today?" What a world
of difference a few words of praise would have made!
Virtue does not receive, either in the family or in society at
large, the honor which is its due. Our modern world honors power
and success, but gives little recognition to honesty, purity and
modesty. How much easier it would be for us if we were to give
our youth real models of purity and modesty, by granting honor to
those who practice real virtue.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to praise purity in a child,
simply because purity is non-activity so far as observable
phenomena are concerned. But certainly the praise of pure persons
in history and among the child's list of acquaintances can be
used to insinuate good habits into a child's soul. Praise is more
effective in the realm of modesty, which is observable. If we
praise the child for modesty of eyes, of dress, of choice of
entertainment, a great deal of real self-control will ensue. For
example, to praise a girl for the wise choice of a modest yet
attractive dress, or a boy for his careful check of the Legion of
Decency ratings before going to a movie, will greatly increase
the practice of modesty. Luckily, honor is gradually being given
to attractive modesty. Teen-age girls and boys are joining a
Sodality program called the Fighting Sixty-ninth (for the Sixth
and Ninth Commandments). This program gives social approval to
modesty of costume, and indeed brings social pressures to bear.
The program has a slogan--S D S--Supply the Demand for the
Supply. Once fashion designers found a demand for modest
clothing, a demand the teen-agers themselves supplied through
their own fashion shows, they were quite willing to meet the
market with suitable clothing.
Rewards are an extremely powerful added incentive to purity and
modesty, and parents will do well to use sensible material
rewards, and also sincere praise and honor, to help the growth of
their children in virtue.
Punishment
St. Thomas indicates three reasons for punishment.[11] the first
reason uses punishment to prevent an individual from harming
himself, even though he does not. or cannot, recognize the
danger. Thus, we punish a baby when he reaches for the fire or a
hot stove, toaster, etc., deter him from doing what will hurt
him. In the same way, we might slap the hands of a child who
plays with his genitals lest he develop a dangerous habit.
However, such punishment should not be severe or "adult size." If
it is naughty for a child to suck his thumb, it naughty to play
with these organs, and no more so.
Secondly, punishment is used to induce correct action through
fear, so that a good habit is formed. Once this done, the good
reasons behind the action can gradually be substituted as a
motive instead of the fear. This of course demands that the
reasons for the good action be explained. How often we all have
learned in this way! Recall the wholesome punishment you received
for disobedience, sauciness, lying, etc., which helped you learn
obedience, truthfulness, respect, and all that you knew was right
and just. This kind of punishment, with reasons, should be given
for immodesty, or any dangerous action which might involve
someone else. For example, a youngster of 7 who disobeys your
command to remain covered, should be punished. He will learn the
habit of modesty even though he will only later fully understand
the reasons.
Retribution is the third reason for punishment. Strict justice
demands that every sin or crime be matched with the precise
amount of punishment due, either in this life or in the next.
Now, perfect justice will be administered in the next life by
God's judgment. In this life we cannot, and indeed should not,
try to match every fault with the exact measure of punishment due
for it. Should we attempt such strict justice, we would be liable
to excessive severity and rigidity. Justice tempered with mercy
must be the norm here below.
Nevertheless, a fault cannot be ignored. A child's own good
demands that almost every fault bring some punishment. We cannot
let him "get away with it" because he must learn that crime does
not pay, even in this life. This reason for punishment should be
used, for example, when a child realizes his fault and is sorry,
and yet needs some corrective measure to impress the matter on
his mind. Some penalty should be imposed, though it may be
lightened or even lifted after a brief time. This is the kind of
punishment which properly fits the attitude of "this hurts me
more than it hurts you."
Punishment must be consistent. If children are punished for one
act and unpunished (or worse, smilingly indulged!) for another of
the same kind, they make no progress in judging right from wrong.
The younger the child, the more swift, immediate, and brief
should be the punishment. A young child's mind will find no
connection between the fault and a punishment given long after
ward, and he will be bewildered, not helped. Since the young
child lives almost wholly in the present moment a long punishment
will seem like a lifetime. As the child grows into puberty and
adolescence, slower, more remote, or longer punishments may be
given, indicating that the parent has considered the matter and
calmly judged it as it is. Such deliberation will also indicate
that the axe inevitably falls sooner or later for wrongdoing.
Punishment and the Sixth Commandment
All three reasons for punishment may be used for external faults
against purity or modesty, but overly harsh punishments are out
of order for several reasons. First undue attention may be drawn
to these matters long before a child is able to understand the
nature of his "crime." As an example, were a child of 7 to be
violently spanked in horrified anger at some childish indecency,
his mind might be "fixed" in tremendous fear on a matter he does
not fully understand. Try always to match the punishment to his
understanding and guilt. Secondly, overly harsh punishments might
drive the sin underground. Since impurity can be such an
individual and personal thing, severe punishment might merely
force the sin from an open position where it could be corrected
to a hidden level where you will never discover it.
Two cautions are imperative. Rarely if ever should physical
punishment be used for personal impurity (masturbation, or any of
the individual acts listed under the First Moral Principle). In
the child's mind, physical punishment might become associated
with the impurity and the association could perhaps grow into
some perversion. Secondly, never send a child to bed for a fault
of this kind. To do this might be to send him right into the sin
you are trying to correct, because he is not tired and has
nothing to occupy his mind except his crime and its punishment.
This would certainly be dangerous. Correct the child, punish him
with deprivations if you think it prudent; but above all be
sympathetic, pointing out the spiritual and natural reasons for
purity and also the helps necessary to attain it.
PSYCHOLOGY OF ADOLESCENCE
We cannot attempt in these few pages to give you the whole
adolescent psychology. Even the specialists are not too certain
of their position and much research is still needed.[12] However, a
few important statements about sexual troubles in adolescence
must be made.
First, sexual development is by no means the lone problem of
adolescence, nor is it, in itself, the chief problem. If it were
the only problem, it would be relatively easy to handle. It looms
so large because of the continual stress laid upon it in popular
literature and because the adolescent himself, in trying to cope
with the problems of his development, tends to fasten his mind on
his rapidly changing body as the source of his difficulties.
Frequently, however, sexual imaginings and even masturbation are
symptoms of other problems rather than problems in themselves.
When this is the case we waste time and energy (to say nothing of
doing positive harm) if we treat the symptom and do not find the
disorder.
Moral warnings and instruction are necessary, but they are not
the only remedies to be applied.
Growing up to be a mature adult is the chief problem of
adolescence, for adolescence is a time of in-between. The
individual feels he is no longer a child, and yet he is not grown
up. He wants to take his place among adults and yet feels
inadequate to the task. He is attempting to push away all
parental props, to take his first steps alone and unaided; and at
the same time he feels the need of his parents more than ever. He
is beginning to look around and see the world and its problems
for the first time. Getting along in a social world has taken on
new importance, and many a youngster wonders whether he is secure
in the esteem of his friends or even of his parents.
Occasionally, a sexual experiment at this age is really an
attempt to prove "maturity" to himself or others. It results from
fear of being "just a kid."
Adjustment to the fresh, bewildering, turbulent, changing reality
of the world is made even more difficult by the fact that the
adolescent himself is changing rapidly. Not only does the world
about him seem to change every day, but his point of view is
changing as fast. His body alters and grows rapidly. He hasn't
the muscular coordination he had a short time before. He is
suddenly clumsy. His emotional capacity is growing along with his
ability to grasp and penetrate the meaning of things. He hardly
wakes on two consecutive days feeling he is the same individual.
Picture someone trying to keep his balance in a room when the
walls and floors are moving, while his legs have lost their
responsiveness to his brain. This gives a fair image of the
plight of the adolescent, who cannot feel confident of either the
world around him or himself.
Though this is a difficult time (which we all have experienced,
even if we have since forgotten it), it is not so bad if there is
a chance of successful adjustment. Here is where parents count. A
word of honest praise now and then, with less criticism and
faultfinding, will help. A boy or girl who finds every effort
regarded as clumsy, silly, foolish, and far short of the mark,
soon gets discouraged, gives up the attempt, and takes refuge in
daydreams. Lessen your demands for a while. Instead of expecting
a top scholastic record, be satisfied and appreciative if only a
few points are gained. Instead of demanding perfect behavior and
manners, show appreciation of an honest effort in the right
direction, even though you make it clear that there is more to be
done. Never, at this time, let a desired perfection be the enemy
of even a slight actual advance.
Daydreams
Daydreams are part of adolescent growth, and yet they can be very
dangerous. If daydreams are an approach to real plans for the
future, they are a part of the healthy romanticism of youth, and
hence are good. A boy who dreams of the day when he will be a
priest, a lawyer, a builder, the father of a family--a boy who
makes resolutions and plans and tries to put them into practice--
is using his dreams profitably, though he will hardly reach the
heights of success of which he dreams. This holds also for a girl
who dreams of the sisterhood, of motherhood, nursing, and a
hundred other careers or triumphs. If, however, the daydreams are
wild and built of stuff far too thin for reality, they are a real
peril. The dream which puts the dreamer on a pedestal with all
the world in adulation at his feet, is unhealthy. It is merely a
refuge from the reality which the adolescent has failed to meet.
Here is the norm: If a dream has a connection with a reasonable
possibility, it is good; if it is outside the realm of
possibility, it is dangerous. If a boy of good athletic ability
dreams of being a Big League Pitcher, his dream will do no harm
even though he ends up still an amateur. But if his dreams are of
himself as an ambidextrous pitcher who cannot lose a game, or a
home run specialist who bats 1.000 his first season, his dream is
unhealthy. (Don't laugh; this is a daydream in which a boy of
poor athletic ability actually indulged!)
Dangerous as the wild daydream is in itself, there is a greater
danger involved: that it will wander into the field of romantic
love. This holds particularly for girls, though it is true of
both sexes. Such romantic day dreams may degenerate into
imaginings of sexual triumph and the wildest obscenities. They
may even lead to masturbation.
Sexual imaginations and sexual excesses may, therefore, have
either of two causes. First, they may be sought for themselves;
that is, simply for the pleasure involved. This problem can be
attacked directly: by explaining what is wrong in such daydreams
and actions, by making clear the challenge to self-control, and
by urging the religious helps, as indicated above.
The second reason is the impulse to take refuge from reality. An
adolescent may indulge in sexuality and evil imaginings, not for
themselves (indeed, often with distaste), but because these
things give him a dream-world in which he cannot be a failure.
This must be met indirectly, by making sure the adolescent knows
he is loved and appreciated at home and among his friends. To
tell this to an adolescent is not sufficient, he must experience
it. He must be shown.
The adolescent attempting to build an adult personality will, of
course, scarcely ever indicate the precise nature of his
imaginings. To do so would be to lose what little self-respect
they have given him. The most that parents can do is to try,
without prying, to understand the youngster's problem. A parent
must be willing to help or to stand on the side lines till
needed. Try to keep the 13-to-17-year-olds occupied. Prevent
their mooning about and daydreaming, but do this indirectly
because scolding will not help. Be cautious of stressing the note
of blame, and search for acts you can genuinely praise. If a
problem of personal sexuality (masturbation or obscene
imagination) is brought to you, use both the above methods.
Indicate the sin, why it is wrong, and the methods of overcoming
it. Then point out that daydreaming is harmful because it is a
flight from reality. Urge the boy or girl to possible, or
probable, successful efforts. Finally, make sure that they are
successful in something! They need only a firm place to anchor
their maturing personalities. Try to provide it. We admit that
our sketch of the teen years is very inclusively drawn. Few
adolescents go through every stage of the complete turmoil we
have described. Yet all adolescents have some of the difficulties
enumerated, to a greater or lesser degree. We merely point these
things out so that you will have some understanding of them.
Frequently an adolescent will go through these stages without
help, and will hardly remember them later.[13]
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. How does passion rise? Is its origin the same for each sex? Is
it directly under control of the will? How can it be controlled?
How can one change an image? Discuss some methods you have used
in this or other fields.
2. What is wrong with passive recreation? (It calls into activity
little if any vital power.) What is the value of hobbies,
intellectual pursuits, etc.?
3. Has physical condition anything to do with venereal pleasure?
What is a good position on the subject of bodily cleanliness?
4. Have you experienced cyclic temptations in this or other
spheres? Does our explanation help? Do you think it would help
boys and girls? What is the difference between sexual reaction in
boys and girls? How can this knowledge help them?
5. What is wrong with semi-nudity on stage, screen, in magazine
pictures, etc.? Does it give any sexual information? Can you do
anything to correct these evils alone? With others?
6. What is love? Is physical or romantic attraction necessary for
it? Does modern literature think so? Is it true that youth is "in
love with love"?
7. Did you ever realize that there are three kinds of attraction
between the sexes? Does this knowledge present some worries about
your children? Should it?
8. Discuss ways and means of using reward, praise and honor to
inculcate purity and modesty. What is your reaction to this
book's analysis of punishment? Are you of the opinion that
punishment is outmoded as an educational force? Do you believe in
frequent corporal punishment? Moderate? None at all? Why?
9. Joe, a boy of 16, went with a group to a girl's house. He
arrived home at three A. M. Confronted by his anxious parents, he
admitted that the gang had left at eleven and he had stayed on
alone until the young lady's parents returned from a trip. When
his mother protested on grounds of propriety, he retorted, "Oh,
you have an evil mind." His angry father immediately punished him
by confiscating a new rifle, his choicest possession. Both
parents mentioned the incident to Joe's married brothers and
sisters, each of whom took him aside to talk things over. Analyze
this case from the point of view of punishment. Granted he
committed no sins of impurity or immodesty, should he have felt
some doubts about such a situation? Did he have any obligation to
this girl's reputation? Does original sin have any place in the
discussion? At his age, should he have known better, aside from
specific warnings from his parents? Was the punishment too
severe? Granted he did not think his action wrong, should he have
been punished anyhow?
10. Is your justice toward your children mixed with mercy? Are
your actions consistent? Is physical punishment useful in curbing
impurity? Immodesty?
11. Is the chief problem of adolescence the sexual one? Should
adolescence be the time for a special campaign on chastity? Must
sexual troubles, temptations, etc., always be treated directly?
12. Despite their tendency to keep to themselves, do you think
adolescents will accept help?[14]
13. Is there any danger in daydreams? In what kind?
14. Propose some methods of giving security to an adolescent
without being false to yourself and to the child (that is,
methods of praising where praise is due, without lowering
reasonable standards). Discuss them.
ENDNOTES
1. For exceptions and conditions, cf. Principles III and IV in
the Moral Section, Chapter VIII.
2. Immodesty of dress may mean other things besides scantiness of
attire. Clothing which covers the body adequately may be immodest
if its design draws attention to certain parts of the body, or if
it is very tight.
3. Cf. "The Picture Magazines," in "Harper's," July, 1943, pp.
159 ff.; "Footnote on Sex," in "Harper's," March, 1946, pp. 212
ff.; "So This Is Cheesecake," in "Popular Photography," February,
1946, pp. 34 ff.; "Is It Anyone We Know?" in "Harper's," June,
1946, pp. 496ff.
4. Cf. Fleege, op. cit., pp. 250-258.
5. Cf. ibid., p. 294.
6. Cf. Mace, David, "Marriage Counseling" (J. A. Churchill,
London, 1948), pp. 117-118.
7. For a further analysis of the nature of love, cf. Farrell,
Walter
O.P., "A Companion to the Summa" (Sheed and Ward, New York,
1940), Vol. III, pp. 61 ff.
8. Cf. op. cit., Book 3, chapter 1, p, 41.
9. For this whole section on attraction, falling in and out of
love, etc., cf. Kelly, Gerald, S.J., "Modern Youth and Chastity"
(The Queen's Work, St. Louis, 1941), pp. 14 28, 39-41.
10. Copeland, Norman C., "Psychology of the Soldier" (Military
Service Publishing Co., Harrisburg, 1942), p. 36. Quoted with
permission of the publisher.
11. "Summa Theologica," II-II, q. 108, a. 4.
12. We urge those who are interested in this subject to read:
Schneiders, Alexander A., "Personality Development and Adjustment
in Adolescence" (Bruce, Milwaukee, 1960),
13. To appreciate these difficulties as they affect boys, consult
Fleege, op. cit., chapters 16 and 17.
14. Cf. ibid., pp. 62-90.
CHAPTER XI: PHYSIOLOGICAL CONTENT OF CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION
When one picks up a modern non-Catholic pamphlet on sex
education, one becomes concerned at the greatly detailed
physiological instruction. One such text, for example,[1] is
supposedly written to be given piecemeal to a child from his
earliest years until about 8. In it, the young child learns the
words: egg, ovary, embryo, placenta, sperm, penis, scrotum,
vulva, uterus, breasts, nipples, fetus, navel. He learns also the
process of birth and the precise nature of sexual intercourse,
and is exposed to a rather complete diagram of female sexual
anatomy.
One wonders why all this detail is necessary. Many intelligent
grown-ups would be unable to identify all these terms, and still
they manage to live reasonably complete lives. It seems senseless
to preoccupy a child with all this information at such an early
age. We do not see the same space and terminology given to the
explanation of digestion, hearing, sight, walking, or any other
bodily function. Yet everyone is expected to use these various
faculties and to control them according to the moral law. Besides
all this, such emphasis on any bodily function is unhealthy.
Hypochondriacs are born of an excessive consciousness of the
heart, stomach, muscles, etc. When such attention is given to a
function which is excessively attractive to the passions, it is
even worse. Therefore, let us have a great deal of discretion in
discussing this matter of anatomy and physiology.[2]
Many modern authors on these subjects advance two reasons for
their insistence on detailed technical information. First, they
seem convinced that technical terminology will obviate most
emotional urges. Secondly, they think that an early and complete
knowledge of sex will prevent unwholesome curiosity, and will of
itself engender the virtue of chastity. Each of these reasons
embodies some truth, but they are not completely valid as they
stand.
Technical terms may indeed help to prevent emotion in discussion
simply because they do not so easily bring up the corresponding
mental images; for example, if we speak of the duodenum, we can
easily discuss the intestine without imagining it pictorially. In
sexual matters, correct terms have further value because the only
other words are either vulgar, obscene or childish. If the vulgar
terms are used, images and evil thoughts are liable to follow. If
the childish terms are used, adults or adolescents will be
embarrassed at the limitation of their vocabulary when precise
reference is needed later. Nevertheless, technical words do not,
of themselves, prevent sexual passion or evil thoughts and
desires. Sin may be committed with technical as well as with non-
technical knowledge, for images may be called up even by the
technical terms, and sinful action may accompany scientific
knowledge.
Curiosity is, indeed, somewhat allayed by scientific terms and a
reasonable knowledge imparted in due time. A girl who is
instructed in the sixth grade in a general way about the origin
of life will consider the first conversations she hears from her
companions "old stuff." She will also realize immediately some of
the false ideas they have because she knows she has been given it
"straight" by her parents and can obtain more information when
she asks. The mystery is to a large extent gone. Yet this
knowledge will hardly prevent her reading or re-reading a
"doctor's book" if one is at hand, simply because curiosity in
matters of sex is never completely satisfied. Nor will curiosity
of the eyes be satisfied by mere knowledge of sexual organs. If
it were, "sexy" advertisements would have long since disappeared,
because one illustration tells as much as a hundred. Lastly,
virtue is not created by knowledge, simply because virtue is not
a matter of mind but of will. Knowledge of sexual apparatus may
help in understanding the matters with which chastity is
concerned, and in realizing why the virtue is important; but to
build that virtue, the exercise of the will is needed.
SHOULD CHILDREN LEARN THE CORRECT NAMES?
Admitting that the arguments just given have only partial value,
it seems better nevertheless to teach the child the correct names
from the beginning in so far as names are necessary. These words
are no more difficult for him than "spinach" or "asparagus," and
there is an advantage in the child's becoming familiar with them
before he can associate them with an emotion or passion. They
enable him to express his needs to a doctor, parent, nurse or
priest, simply and correctly from the start. Many adults are
still at a loss for words when consulting a doctor because they
do not know the words, or if they know them, have not learned to
use them without embarrassment. Yet how much more embarrassing
are their substitutes!
For all these reasons we think every male child should know:
penis, scrotum, buttocks, navel, anus, urine, urinate, bowels,
and bowel movement. Every female child should know: vulva,
breasts, and the rest as above beginning with buttocks. If there
is any necessity to speak of the sexual organs of the other sex,
then the correct terms (penis, scrotum; vulva, breasts) should be
used. We do not say that all the sexual knowledge connected with
these terms should be given, but only that if there is any need
to refer to the organs the correct terms may be used from the
beginning. This is quite different from that strictly sexual
education described on the preceding page.
However, some people may feel uncomfortable and even ashamed to
use this technical language. Some may even find it impossible.
This is so true that we fear many a parent will say: "I cannot
use such words with my children; I will not attempt it.
Therefore, someone else must educate my children in sexual
matters." For this reason we insist that terminology is not
absolutely necessary. Use any words you find natural--nursery
terms, or even "home-made" words--so long as you give your
children the basic information and train them in virtue. The
norm, then, is this: If you are a person who can easily use
"navel" instead of "belly-button," then try to use the terms
listed above; if you find the second word easier--then use any
terms at all, for you must remember that words are but
instruments of meaning. Precise terminology is only incidental to
good sex education.
How Much Should Be Known?
Even for the married or about-to-be-married, a doctor's
physiological knowledge is never really necessary. It may be
useful and interesting for highly educated young people or
married persons, but can be dispensed with even by them. Do you
know what the epididymis, is, or the Graafian follicle? If you
do, does it make much difference in your grappling with real
life? Yet, these terms appear in many sex education booklets by
non-Catholics even for children and adolescents!
Physiology Courses
There is no objection to courses in physiology which include the
physiology of sexual functions, in the last year of high school,
as long as they give no more emphasis to sexual organs than they
give to other parts of the body. (Such a course should, however,
be given separately to boys and girls.) Our reason for this
position is that physiology is an accepted branch of human
knowledge for that age. To omit the physiology of sexual organs
from such a course might only draw unwholesome attention to them.
Any dangers which might arise can be taken care of by due
caution, an impersonal, objective, scientific approach and an
application of the Third and Fourth Moral Principles in Chapter
VIII. As is obvious, parents should not be expected to give
children a formal course in physiology. Nor is there any need of
a course of sexual physiology in grade school. Digestive,
respiratory and sensitive functions are more than enough to keep
young children busy and interested.
The following pages will attempt to give an outline: first, of
the maximum information that, under any circumstances, parents
can be expected to give their children; second, of the minimum
that is needed for a reasonably complete sex education; and
third, of the facts that are needed at various particular age
levels. Before beginning it can be said that there is no
particular value in anatomical charts for the education of
children. Leave them to the medical or physiological classroom,
for you certainly do not use charts for training in elimination,
walking or speaking. Why use them here?
MAXIMUM MALE PHYSIOLOGY
The male organs of reproduction are mostly external. Two organs
of the male are chiefly concerned in reproduction, the testicles
or testes, and the penis. The testes are two small glands
suspended in a sack (scrotum) from the trunk of the body between
the thighs. They produce the sperm or seed which, when united to
the egg produced in the organs of the female, develops into the
body of a child. As the seed is produced, it is led through a
number of canals or ducts and then stored until finally
forcefully ejected (this is called ejaculation) through the
penis. This happens in the marital act or during sleep. During
sexual stimulation, the penis becomes erect and firm (this is
called erection) for penetration into the vagina of the female
where the seed is deposited. This act of penetration is called
intercourse, coitus, coition, or the marital act. The penis is
the chief source of sexual or venereal pleasure in the male. Any
spontaneous movement or stiffening (erection) of this organ is
usually an indication of the beginning of sexual pleasure and
should be checked (except when properly to be used in marriage)
by prayer, by exercise, by change of position, by diverting the
mind, etc. Complete pleasure, with ejaculation of seed, is called
orgasm. Deliberate orgasm is permissible only in a lawful
marriage act. If intentional and alone, it is called self-
satisfaction, self-abuse, pollution, or masturbation.
The loss of seed during the night without fault is called
involuntary seminal emission, nocturnal pollution, loss of seed,
or simply loss. This reaction merely expels the excess store of
seed. Sexual dreams frequently, and quite naturally, accompany
it, and an individual may recall that he brought it about by the
use of his hands during sleep or the semi-conscious state before
awakening fully. Nevertheless, neither reaction, dreams, nor the
touches should cause the faintest disturbance if they are beyond
the control of mind and will. If an adolescent wakens during the
emission, though he should refuse voluntary delight in the
pleasure and stop any action that may be causing it, he has no
obligation of attempting to prevent the emission. Of course, to
cause this emission by any means (self-abuse or masturbation) is
sinful; but neither self-abuse nor nocturnal emission is a "loss
of manhood" in any physical sense. Yet self-abuse is definitely a
spiritual loss, in the sense of loss of manly self-control, and
the loss of sanctifying grace by mortal sin.
MAXIMUM FEMALE PHYSIOLOGY
In the female, we may speak of internal and external sexual
organs, though the truly reproductive organs are all internal.
The external organs are the breasts and vulva. The internal are
the ovaries, tubes, womb (or uterus), and vagina. The breasts
after puberty become more firm and large and are especially
designed by God to give the precise milk needed for a baby. The
vulva is merely the term given to that portion surrounding the
passage to the internal organs of reproduction.
The ovaries are two organs within the body which, after puberty,
alternately produce one egg cell (ovum) each lunar (28-day)
month. This tiny egg goes through a tube, is prepared for a
meeting with the seed from the male (called conception), and goes
finally into the womb (uterus). Meantime, the womb is preparing
its lining for a possible pregnancy. If this does not take place,
the egg is rejected with all this special preparatory material.
This is called menstruation (menses, or monthlies), and it
usually lasts several days. However, should conception take
place, a baby begins to form, first in the tube, then passing to
the uterus, where it is nourished. This tiny organism is first
called an embryo, and later, when more mature, a fetus. It takes
about nine months for a baby. to develop in the womb, after which
it is delivered through the vagina with considerable pain
(labor). Up to the time of birth, a baby is attached to the
mother at its navel or umbilicus.
The vagina is also the place which the male organ (penis)
penetrates when depositing the seed. Just within the vulva and in
the vagina are to be found the chief sources of female sexual
pleasure in the marital act. Whenever the vulva regions and
vagina begin to swell and exude a fluid, it is an indication of
the beginning of sexual or venereal pleasure. This pleasure can
increase to a climax or a series of climaxes followed by a very
pleasurable relaxation of the muscles involved. This complete
pleasure is called orgasm. Deliberately to bring about this
pleasure by any means, outside of a lawful marriage act, is
seriously sinful. If alone, this sin is called self-abuse or
masturbation.
A girl should be instructed about menstruation in advance so that
no emotional disturbance (fear, shock, etc.) will arise. She
should be told of its purpose and normality, and also that it is
a sign of her maturity. If in taking care of herself some
venereal pleasure should arise, she must simply ignore it and
refuse voluntarily to enjoy it (Moral Principle III). Before
menstruation, or certainly at the first one, every mother should
explain the correct hygienic procedure.[3]
Probably girls of 17 or over should know more about birth, for
example, the kinds and frequency of labor pains, the process of
birth, and so on. In the days when the home was also the
birthplace, the older girls were expected to assist, and so
learned most of these things. Now that hospitals are the usual
place of birth, there is little opportunity to acquire this
information. Certainly, a young married woman should be well
instructed in these matters before her first pregnancy. Perhaps
such instruction can be safely left until then.
How Much Should Each Sex Know of the Other?
The whole process of reproduction should be known by each sex at
least by the time of maturity (18 as an outside limit), though of
course it must be learned gradually. First, each child should
know the names of its external organs (breasts, vulva; penis,
scrotum). If there is any necessity or occasion to refer to
sexual differences at an early age, the correct names may be
used. Then, gradually, each fact should slip into place. Though
no absolute order can be laid down, since the needs of each child
will vary, the following list of words indicates the usual order
of learning the various facts of reproduction:
For the boy: Names of his external genitals (those of girls if
occasion requires); origin of baby; purpose of breasts, womb,
conception, egg (ovaries), seed (testes, nocturnal pollution),
delivery, labor, vagina, intercourse (menstruation). The words in
parenthesis indicate knowledge that may be dispensed with.
For the girl: Names of her external organs (those of boys if
occasion requires); origin of baby, breasts and purpose, womb,
conception, egg (ovaries), menstruation, seed (testes), delivery,
labor, vagina, intercourse, penis. In giving these lists we do
not necessarily mean that the words must be learned, but the
facts behind them should be. The main thing is to put the ideas
across!
These lists may be disputed or rearranged to meet any particular
needs, but it seems to be the usual order of learning the gradual
answers to the fundamental questions a child asks.
MINIMUM FACTS
The essential "facts of life" can be phrased very simply in four
statements:
1. There is a substance (life-giving liquid, material, etc.) in a
man (seed) and a substance in a woman (egg) which, when united by
a marriage embrace, may become a child. Menstruation and seminal
emission are an indication of such power in each sex.
2. The marital embrace consists in a union of bodies for which
the sex organs are designed. In this union the seed of the man is
placed deep within the body of the woman. The pleasure connected
with this act is a very intense one which God uses as a reward
and inducement for the propagation of the human race.
3. The new baby develops for about nine months within the
mother's body and is delivered through the vagina, the passage
through which the seed originally traveled.
4. After birth, the baby is normally fed (nursed) at the mother's
breasts.
Look through the preceding section with all its terminology. Is
there any more information than is given in these four
statements? We do not believe that any doctor, with all his
detailed knowledge, can add any more "facts."
A CHILD'S BASIC QUESTIONS
There are really only five fundamental questions on sexual
matters that children ask, and they are asked from only four
basic points of view. If parents know simple answers to each of
these questions and understand the child's approaches in
proposing the questions, there is no reason why they cannot
easily give the necessary information. The fundamental questions
are these:
1. What are the bodily differences between boys and girls and
why? (Sexual differences)
2. Where does the baby come from? (Origin of life, Pregnancy)
3. How does the baby get out? (Childbirth)
4. What is the new experience of puberty? ( a) Menstruation; b)
Seminal emission; c) Sexual arousal or excitement)
5. How did the baby get there in the first place? (Sexual
intercourse)
The virtue of chastity is concerned only with questions 4 b) and
c), and 5. That is, it is concerned only with the ruling of
sexual pleasure, experienced alone or with someone else.
Therefore, these are the only questions that might cause anxiety.
The subjects of questions 1, 2 and 3--pregnancy, childbirth,
labor and nursing-after all do not directly pertain to the Sixth
and Ninth Commandments; to venereal pleasure or sexual
intercourse. They are not venereal activity, but its results. In
explaining them to a child, therefore, try to prevent thoughts of
venereal pleasure both in your mind and in his. Any temptation
for the child that might arise from your answers to questions 1,
2 and 3 can arise only from a too vivid consideration of anatomy,
which may be easily prevented by not emphasizing places in the
body or raising graphic images of the body.
The four basic approaches to the above questions are the
following:
1. The ontological approach. This is the point of view of the
younger child, who is interested in origins, beginnings, causes,
and not in the mechanics or pleasures of generation. He is
awakening to a mysterious and beautiful world on which he wants
information, and so arise the hundreds of "why" or "where"
questions; for example, "Where did you get the twins, Mommy?"
From this approach the child usually asks only questions 1 and 2.
Rarely does he ask the others; and if he should, remember his
reason for asking--just to discover the origins of things.
2. The mechanical approach. This is the approach of children just
before adolescence (for example, from 9 to 12). Children of this
age want to know something of how the body works and also the
simple fact (and not the details) of sexual mating.[4] From this
approach, the questions will be 1, 2, 3, 5; usually not 4. Even
question 5 is asked for mechanical and not pleasurable reasons.
Despite the fact that question 4 is not usually asked, at this
age parents should take the opportunity to prepare their
youngsters for their first seminal emission or menstruation.
3. The personal approach. This is the approach of early
adolescence (13 to 15). It is the point of view created by worry
and anxiety over new feelings, new troubles, the awakening of
self, and the first disturbing attraction to the other sex. The
question which demands an answer is 4. If the earlier approaches
have already been taken care of, this one will not be very hard.
Since the child is trying to get some certainty, to get a grip on
himself, he is frequently not too concerned about the function of
the other sex. He is interested only in getting himself
straightened out, in understanding and getting accustomed to
these new sensations.
4. The social approach. This is the long, gradual approach from
middle to late adolescence. Having made some adjustments in
understanding himself, the adolescent begins to look toward
social contacts with the other sex. As a result, he now wishes to
obtain the sexual knowledge concerning relations with others.
There are really no new questions, but only a re-ordering of
information. The characteristic is curiosity about the functions
of the other sex. (For example, the use of sanitary pads, why a
girl gets "sick," the use of an athletic supporter, etc.)
Though each basic approach may demand a brief review of the
previous instruction, it is during this last phase that review
and consolidation of the facts, attitudes, moral and religious
principles, are most needed. It seems to us that this is the only
place in which a pamphlet might be helpful for the youngster to
read.
THE QUESTIONS AND SOME ANSWERS
Some suggestions are in order, to enable you to answer these
questions. You are reminded, however, that the suggestions are
not final, nor necessarily in the progressive order in which the
child will ask. You must vary the questions and the order to meet
the needs of each child, according to his age and the approach
that he uses.
Q. 1. What are the bodily differences between boys and girls, and
why?
A. a) Allow the children below 6 to be present at the bath of the
youngest. Casually mention that God makes little boys different
from little girls, and that they grow up to be men and women.
Take care also that they know that there are only two kinds of
people, for occasionally children wonder whether there are not
more than two kinds. Take care also that the younger children do
not think their little brother or sister deformed because of
these sexual differences.
b) Bathe young children (5 or less) together, commenting only if
asked.
c) In connection with the later question concerning the marital
act, explain that the male organ fits into the female organ of
reproduction. (Cf. the answers to Q. 5.)
Q. 2. Where did the baby come from?
A. a) God sent us the baby.
b) From a little nest, bower, garden, jewel box, room, etc.,
beneath Mother's heart.
c) From the place beneath Mother's heart called the "womb."
(Explanation of the Hail Mary.)
d) From the organ in Mother's abdomen called the "womb" or
"uterus."
e) This information plus a little explanation regarding ovaries,
etc., either in connection with the puberty instruction, or
separately.
Q. 3. How does the baby get out?
A. a) God places an opening in Mother's body which enlarges to
let the baby out.
b) There is a channel, canal or hallway which opens to let the
baby through.
c) The baby comes out of a kind of bodily door, or like a train
through a tunnel.
d) This opening is in the lower part of the body trunk, in front.
e) It is the same passage (or hallway) through which the seed
passes (or is deposited or placed). (In connection with puberty
instruction.)
Q. 4. What is menstruation?
A. a) After a time a girl becomes mature, and develops into a
young woman. This brings with it a new experience. You see, a
girl has within her an egg cell, which can become a baby. Each
month this egg and all the material that might be needed to
nourish a baby within her, is cast off by the system. This matter
also has some blood in it, and the process lasts several days.
Don't be alarmed when this happens to you, for it is a sign that
you are at last growing up to be a young woman. When this happens
come to me, and I will explain further and tell you what to do.
b) The same, plus brief information concerning the contribution
of the male element.
c) Add some general ideas of how the male contribution is made.
(Cf. 1 c and answers to Q. 5.)
Q. 5. How did the baby get there?
A. a) God put him there.
b) The love of Mother and Daddy, blessed by God, put him there.
c) There is a substance in the bodies of mothers and fathers
which together make the baby. This substance in fathers is called
the seed and in mothers the egg.
d) An intimate (or deep) union of the parents' bodies is needed
to form the body of a child by bringing the seed and the egg
together. Remember that the parents are working with God, sharing
His work of creation.
e) According to God's plan, the father and mother share in the
production of a human body. That is why certain parts of a man's
body are different from a woman's. (These different parts are
called sexual parts.) They contain the seeds of life. It is by
their union that the two seeds (or seed and egg) join together to
grow into the body of a child.
f) The father's cells are placed deep within the body of the
mother so they can move upward in search of an egg cell. (This is
sexual union.)
g) A virgin (speak of Our Lady) is a woman who has not had the
bodily relations with a man which lead to her becoming a mother
(or, which lead to the birth of a child).
h) By a marital (or marriage) embrace, the seed is placed within
the body of a wife by her husband.
i) The seed which joins the egg to form a baby is placed in an
opening in the body of a woman.
j) Marital intercourse means the entrance of the private organ of
a man into the private organ of a woman, and a flow of seed from
the man's body into the woman's.
k) In marital intercourse, the penis of the male enters the
vagina of the woman and deposits the semen (seed) there.
When?
Parents all ask: "When shall I give each piece of information?"
After reading so many pages, you will know there is no definite
answer. Each child has its own needs. He should get his answer
when he needs it, no sooner, no later. However, a few norms may
be laid down:
1. A child should always know truly where the baby comes from.
Whenever that question is asked, it should be answered. The
thought that a baby is in a nest beneath the mother's heart will
hardly create venereal pleasure. How baby gets out is another
question. One may answer: "Doctor takes care of that." "There is
an opening that enlarges to let baby out." "God provides an
opening," etc. There seems to be no reason why they should know
more; yet if they are further "enlightened" by playmates, always
tell them the truth!
2. At entrance to the sixth grade for girls, and seventh for
boys, the minimum facts (p. 182) should be given, minus the
details of the marital embrace, for it is enough if they know
some kind of bodily union is involved. The instruction at this
time should center on preparing them for their first menstruation
period or seminal emission.
3. At puberty, the first seminal emission or menstruation, the
same facts may be given with the emphasis on their own
experiences rather than on those of the opposite sex. They have
enough to do if they are to meet and conquer the first stirrings
of the flesh.
4. About the age of 16, a more complete review may be in order,
with some direction toward the opposite sex and possible future
marriage. If a booklet will help, it is in order here, but first
read it yourself to see whether it is of value for this child.
5. By the age of 18, both sexes may safely know all that is
contained in the complete outline above (pp. 177-181). At this
age they should know nearly all they are going to know for life,
except the concrete, practical, physical adjustments they will
need for their own marriages. If their physiology course contains
the necessary facts, there is no need for parents to make certain
they have the complete information.
How?
By this time you know that we do not believe anyone can tell you
the "hows." No book or booklet seems satisfactory, simply because
the instructors and children are different in every case. There
are no universal formulas, but we can list a few helps:
1. In physiology, use the word "you" as seldom as possible. Make
the instruction impersonal. If you talk of "men and women,"
"husband and wife," rather than "Mother and Dad," when explaining
strictly sexual activity, the child will understand you and
embarrassment will be avoided for all. A boy knows he is going to
be a man, and a girl knows she is going to be a woman, but that
seems ages off to both. Sex privileges should be made to seem
equally in the distant future, for sexual acts are for the
married alone. Youth will make the personal application as
needed.
2. It is always easier to handle the problem of sex information
if the child asks the questions as they come to him. But a child
may not ask questions. What then? To begin with, you must, if
possible, find out why the child does not question you. This can
happen for a number of reasons.
First, the child may not have confidence in you. In that case,
you can do little but attempt to create confidence. or direct the
child to someone he does trust.
Secondly, a child may not be interested. Then leave him alone!
Perhaps you might give him a few leading sentences from time to
time, but don't force information on him.
Lastly, a child may be afraid to ask, either because he fears you
will but confirm the disgusting stories he has already heard, or
because he vaguely realizes the obligations connected with sex
and is afraid to face them.
On discovering the first reason, give him the true, beautiful and
religious explanation, leading into it with some such phrases as:
"I suppose you have heard the boys discussing these things. I'm
sorry you heard it that way. It is so false a picture," etc. If
you discover the second reason, try over a period of months to
bring the child to face his responsibilities at least
sufficiently to help him meet the crisis of each stage, for
example, puberty, adolescence, etc.; even, should it be
necessary, "sit him down and give it to him straight."
In all cases of this kind, if you are forced to ask such leading
questions as: "Do you know where babies come from?", etc., do not
take, "Yes," for an answer. Youngsters in these circumstances
will almost always answer "Yes." In many cases they could truly
answer "No," for they do not really know enough to understand the
question! Your child may know something, but is it correct
knowledge? In such a case, you can return: "Well, then, you know
that babies come from their mothers bodies," etc., etc.
3. The coming of a new baby is an opportunity. Some mothers allow
their young children to feel the stirrings of life in their
abdomen. Can you think of a good reason for forbidding this?
4. Give your older girls the care of the babies--the bathing and
changing. They learn the double lesson of anatomical differences
and child care.
5. Take examples from the world around as they present themselves
in the life of a child. Nan, in "Never No More," already quoted,
used the damming of a stream to explain the preparatory function
in the uterus and the resulting menstruation (p. 62). She used
sowing of seed in farming to explain "the father's part" (p. 64).
Incidentally, the instruction described in this novel, though not
entirely complete, is adequate despite the fact that it does not
use a single physical term other than "seed."
6. At the end of every instruction, especially if it is lengthy,
give the child a thought or an occupation which will take his
mind away from the subject. (But do not be too obvious about it!)
If, for any reason, a sex instruction is needed near bedtime,
make sure there is some other thought to dream about.
7. If a child seems anxious about an experience of pleasure in
the sexual organs, tell him: "That pleasure is to be used only in
marriage. There it is good and holy." He will begin to see the
reason for it, where it is right and where wrong. Never let a boy
or girl think that sex pleasure is always and everywhere sinful.
8. The proper names for their external sex organs can be easily
learned at bath time. Merely say: "Wash your vulva carefully,"
etc. No direct reference should be made such as "This is the
penis and is used...."
9. As mentioned above, very young children of both sexes may be
bathed together. Without realizing it, they will familiarize
themselves with sex differences. Of course they will forget this,
but some vague impressions will remain which will make later
instruction easier. It may seem difficult to discontinue this
mixed bathing, but it should be done and can in fact be done
easily. As the older child goes to school at the age of 6, simply
make it a point to bathe the younger ones alone during school
time. Some object to this practice of mixed bathing, on the
grounds that children should not do now what they will later be
forbidden to do. There is some reason behind this objection, and
since our recommendation is not absolute, you may judge for
yourself. However, it would seem to us to be more helpful, and
the objection is not completely valid because a young child is
not so easily tempted, and modesty is not an absolute but a
relative affair. Indeed, there are times when adults may appear
disrobed before others, even of the other sex; for example,
before a doctor.
10. A question arises about teaching sex from flowers, birds,
bees, and animals. We insist that questions which the child may
ask about them should be answered. Yet it seems clear to us that
these facts of plant and animal reproduction should not be used
to teach about human reproduction. Even married people
occasionally have wrong notions from their observation of
animals. However, as a broader setting, knowledge of animal
reproduction may be of help in understanding human reproduction.
Some suggest that, when a chicken is being cleaned, eggs within
the body be shown to children as an example. They also recommend
having pets (love birds, dogs, rabbits, etc.) which children can
observe. We are not at all opposed to their being interested in
pets and asking questions about them; yet the answers should only
indicate reference to the pets, not to human reproduction. Some
children know a great deal about animals and do not transfer it
at all. "Facts of human life" will still be needed. Besides all
this, pets are not human, do not "love" in the human sense, and
are not governed by moral and religious principles.
It has also been recommended that children be given an occasion
to observe animals in sexual acts and in labor. We do not think
this advisable. Should children notice these things without their
attention being directed to them, be prudent, because a great
deal of delicacy is required. Do not snatch them away hurriedly
or guiltily lest they become all the more curious. Perhaps it
might be better to ignore the whole situation if it cannot be
avoided. This is a problem worthy of discussion.
11. Always be casual, unashamed, frank, sincere and reverent in
giving sex instruction. Even an unintentional mistake in
instruction (too soon, too detailed) will do little harm if
confidence is not shattered.
12. Never give a fact without a correct attitude, religious,
moral or emotional. Every sex instruction should be correlated
with some part of God's plan, the supernatural purposes of sex,
etc. For instance, use the Hail Mary ("womb"); the Angelus ("and
she conceived"); the Immaculate Conception; the nine months' time
from Annunciation, March 25, to Christmas; and from December 8
(Immaculate Conception) to September 8 (Nativity of Our Lady);
the Virginity of Mary; the Annunciation story, "I do not know
man.[5]
13. Rarely take a child aside for sex instruction. Introduce the
facts when needed--while washing dishes, on a hike, working
together, etc. Only a really pressing problem which needs serious
attention, such as sin or great difficulty in temptation, will
demand a special session. In such a case, an adolescent will
appreciate your more serious and formal approach, because you are
complimenting him by treating him as an adult.
14. Our insistence on true answers does not mean that information
may not be refused on occasion. Some adolescents will ask
questions until they have all the information which you as
married people possess. If questions go beyond the need of the
individual, withhold the answers and explain why; that is, the
danger to purity outweighs the advantage of the knowledge. Every
child should know (and act according to the knowledge) that not
all things about any subject can be investigated or are worth
investigating at one time. Let adolescents learn due prudence in
questioning. Though you need not scold them when they fail in
this respect, indicate the present danger of some facts which can
be better understood later. The norm for proper questions is the
Third Moral Principle, whereas the norm for prudent answers is
the Fourth.
15. Many people fear the danger of shocking a child by sexual
information. We have indicated the nature of shock above (Chapter
IV, p. 46), and have shown how shock can be avoided by a gradual
approach and a reverent attitude. Should it occur, do not worry
about it. A "pardon me" will usually suffice because each one
knows that no family member wishes to wound or shock another.
Wait until the shock has abated, then apologize and return to the
subject as cautiously as necessary.
16. In general, sexual instruction of boys should be quite
different from that given to girls, which fact demands an
understanding of their emotional natures. First, girls like a
lovingly romantic, beautiful approach, while boys are apt to want
to "get down to brass tacks." Secondly, boys will have more
difficulty with personal purity than will girls. Consequently,
with a boy, approach the problem as quickly and easily as
possible. Don't build up lengthily before you slip the idea
across, and ordinarily avoid prefacing your remarks by, "Now, I'm
going to tell you about sex." If you keep telling him you are
going to tell him, you may stir up his passions. He knows
something of what you are going to say and the suspense will be
too great. On the other hand, girls need a smoother, longer
approach to avoid shock. Consequently, examples of mother love
and other things pertaining to the idealistic side of sex, should
be injected. Also, for the girls, the approach may well be less
specific on physical pleasure. In general, then (depending always
on the individual), less approach is needed for the boy, but more
specific information; for the girl, more approach and less
specific information.
Whatever you think of this hint, you will at least agree that an
identical instruction should not be given to both sexes. Compare,
for example, the two completely different models in Bruckner's
"How To Give Sex Instruction."[6] Contrast with them the nearly
identical ones for boys and girls in Juergens' "Fundamental Talks
on Purity," already cited.
17. Try always to see things with the child's mind. Put yourself
in his place, at his age, with his temperament. Then you will
understand his questions and give satisfactory answers. If you
don't know what his questions mean to him, find out indirectly
first. Counter his questions with another: "What makes you ask
that?" "What do you mean?" Otherwise, you will err as a mother
once did who gave her child a whole detailed heart-to-heart talk
when he asked, "Where did I come from?" She did not try to find
out what the question meant. After the full explanation of the
process of generation, the child sighed in bewilderment: "All
that! And Jimmy only came from Brooklyn!"
18. Should a youngster burst in on you with some crude and
unprintable four-letter word, be careful! Your first impulse will
be to wash his mouth out with soap, and explain nothing--a sad
mistake. First, find out if he knows what the word means. If he
does, tell him the acceptable term or terms and explain that the
one he used has an obscene, vulgar and disgusting tone and is
never used by chaste people. If the youngster does not know the
meaning of this word, merely explain its vulgarity in a general
way and forbid it. Should this expedient merely create itching
curiosity, explain all as in the first case.
CASES FOR DISCUSSION
1. Michael, a boy of 12, while at the zoo, noticed two small
animals in coitus. He went over to his dad and asked, "What are
they doing?" His dad said, "Oh, just fooling around!"
What would you have answered with all that crowd surrounding you?
How would this be: "They do that when they want puppies (kittens,
young, little ones, etc.). I'll tell you about it some time."
Later the father could explain that a fluid passes from the male
to female and this produces the little ones.
If a 6-year-old asked the above question, answer: "Shows they are
in love, it's a hug of affection"; or, "That's the way they show
affection.
2. Pat, aged 5, said: "Mommy went to the hospital fat and came
back thin. Why?" Suggested answer: "Well, she brought fat little
Joe back with her. You see, babies grow inside of mothers just as
if they were in a nest. They are kept warm and safe until they're
big enough to come out and have you play with them."
3. Jean, aged 4: "Why didn't Mommy go to the hospital to have a
baby this Christmas; she did last year?"
Suggestion: "It wouldn't be much fun if everyone had a birthday
at the same time, would it?" (Notice that this question is not at
all concerned with sex, and the answer recognizes that not every
question along these lines demands a "facts of life" reply.)
4. George, aged 7: "Mom, how can you tell Aunt Belle is going to
the hospital in two months? She's kind of fat, but she looks all
right to me."
Suggestion: Tell George that Aunt Belle is going to have a baby.
Explain that the baby in its nest takes nine months to grow, so
the mother knows about when it is ready to be born; she can feel
its weight and even its stirring. Recall St. John Baptist's "leap
of joy" in Elizabeth's womb when Mary came with Jesus in her
womb.
5. Joan, aged 4: "Mommy, what's being born?"
Suggestion: "It's being let out of the mother's nest" (when child
already knows about womb).
6. Ellen, aged 6 1/2, in a rush: "Mother, did I come out of your
stomach?"
Suggestion: "Well, Ellen, all little girls come out of their
mothers' stomachs." (Why not merely "Yes"? Because that leaves
things on a too personal basis. "All little girls" is better.)
Ellen: "Well, how do they get out?"
Suggestion: "Mothers go to hospitals to have babies. Doctors know
a lot more than we do. They take care of that." Or, "God places
an opening in mothers' bodies which enlarges to let the baby
out."
7. Marie, aged 14, had just experienced her first menstruation.
She was terrified, since she had not been prepared for it. She
went to her mother, who calmed her and explained matters. After
telling her methods of caring for herself, she added: "And now be
doubly careful with men. You are old enough to have a baby now."
Marie knew having a baby out of marriage was a sin, so for months
she was afraid to come within six feet of a man! What was wrong
with this instruction? Try phrasing one yourself. Should not some
idea of a bodily union have been indicated, however vaguely?
8. Joe, aged 15, was called aside by his uncomfortable father for
a heart-to-heart talk. "Well, Joe, I suppose you know all about
where babies come from?" "Gulp, ye-es," answered Joe. "Well,
then, there's no need to talk. Just be careful and pure. You're
growing up to be a man now."
Did Joe's "yes" indicate knowledge? How would you go about it?
9. Jack, aged 13, awoke one night to find himself experiencing
his first seminal emission. He was greatly frightened by this
experience. How would you reassure him and explain? Shouldn't he
have been sufficiently prepared at least to recognize this
reaction when it came?
10. Mae, a mother, was obviously pregnant. Her 5 1/2-year-old
son, Don, starting asking questions.
Don: "Mother, why is your stomach so big?"
Mae: "We are going to have a baby. It is growing beneath my
heart. It was a tiny seed and is now getting bigger."
Don: "How did the seed get there?"
Mae: "It was planted there."
Don: "Who planted it there?" Mae: "Daddy did." Don: "How, etc.?"
Should this mother have gone so far with a child of this age?
Would it not have been better to stop at the word "heart" in her
first answer? Would it not have been better to answer, "God put
it there," and let the matter drop? This mother gave no caution,
so Don blurted out the news to his friends. Should it have been a
family secret? Can children keep secrets?
11. Don't be surprised if you do not get complete agreement in
your discussions. These cases demand prudent decisions, and
prudent decisions cannot be absolutely and universally certain. A
majority decision should give a good norm. You have learned much
if you have learned ease in discussion, and the choice of good
words. At times your particular personality or your knowledge of
your own child in certain circumstances will make your decision
different from that of others. But if you are always in
disagreement with the majority, be cautious; there may be
something that should be corrected in your point of view.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Does technical terminology stifle sexual temptation? Does it
satisfy curiosity? Does virtue always flow from knowledge?
2. What conclusions have you drawn concerning teaching your
children the correct names from the beginning? Is a great deal of
physiological knowledge needed by married people? Should sexual
physiology be omitted from high school physiology courses? Give
reasons.
3. Without looking at our outline, try to phrase a reasonably
complete instruction on the "facts of life." Discuss it with the
others in your group. Then compare it with our outline.
4. What are the five basic questions of a child? The four basic
approaches? Is this division really helpful? Try to phrase
answers in your own words.
5. What should you do if the child does not ask questions?
6. Why is it important to indicate to a child that there is place
where sexual pleasure is right and holy?
7. Why is it important to use totally different instructions for
boys and girls?
8. Bring up all the problems you have already faced with your
children and try to analyze them in the light of what you have
learned. If there are any problems which do not seem to be
answered in this chapter, please send them to the author in care
of the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine.
9. After you have discussed the suggestions in this chapter,
compare your solutions with the following instruction which was
composed by a group of Cana Couples using the same material as is
contained in this book.
SUGGESTIONS FOR INSTRUCTING CHILDREN ON MOTHERHOOD AND FATHERHOOD
(TO BE GIVEN TO THE CHILD BIT BY BIT FROM EARLIEST YEARS TILL
ABOUT 11)
How does a baby come into the world? Let's see....
God made some things all by Himself--as when He made the world,
with the sun and moon and stars, the flowers and the trees and
the animals. So also, when God made the first two people, Adam
and Eve, He made them all by Himself, and nobody helped Him.
But God did something wonderful for those first two people: He
let them help Him make their children. And ever since that time,
God has let men and women help Him to bring children into the
world. God was very good to do this, for He didn't need the help
of people; He could have made all children the way He made Adam
and Eve, without anybody's help. But because God loves people and
wants to make them happy and proud to be His partner, He lets
them help Him in the wonderful work of making a child. Just
think, if God had let people help Him make the world, with the
sky and the sun and the trees, how proud and happy they would
feel to be God's partners! But God does even more than this....
He lets people help Him make babies, who will live forever in
heaven with God long after the world has ended.
So you see, it takes three to make a baby: the father, the
mother, and God. If any one of them is missing, there is no baby
. . . all three have to join in. What do the father and mother
do? They make the baby's body. And what does God do? He makes the
baby's soul, that gives it its life.
How do the father and mother make the baby's body? Let me tell
you. First of all, I must tell you that the baby's body is made
from two tiny living things like seeds, called cells. One of
these little cells is in the body of the father, and the other
little cell is in the body of the mother.
Now, inside the mother's body there is a little room, called the
womb (a pat will indicate the place). This little room in the
mother is going to be the baby's home for about the first nine
months of its life. (Mary had a little room like this in her
body, too, and that's where Jesus lived for the first nine months
of His life. Remember the words of the Hail Mary, "Blessed is the
fruit of thy womb"? These words tell about this little room in
Mary's body.)
The mother's cell is in this room; the father's cell comes into
this room and meets the mother's cell, and then these two little
cells join together and become one cell. This is called
conception. When the two cells join together, God puts a soul
there with life . . . and that is the beginning of a baby.
But how does the cell of the father get into that little room in
the mother, where her cell is? Well, there is a little opening in
the mother's body, right below her stomach; this opening is like
a little hallway or passage going to that room in her body. Now
the father has a part of his body like a little tube; when this
tube enters the hallway of the mother, the father's cell passes
through this tube into the mother's hallway, keeps on going until
it comes into the little room of the mother, where her cell is
waiting. As I told you, these two little cells then join together
and become one, and God gives it a soul with life . . . and a
tiny baby has started to live.[7]
(Jesus, too, lived in such a little room in the body of the
Blessed Virgin Mary before He was born. But only Mary helped God
make Jesus' body . . . no human father helped God to do this--
just Mary and God. That's why we call Mary "the Virgin Mother.")
So you see, the baby is very tiny when it first begins to live in
its mother, in that little room which is its first home. It lives
there for about nine months, and during that time it grows and
becomes bigger, and its mother becomes rounder, until finally the
baby is ready to be born. During these nine months the mother
often thinks about her baby and loves it, hoping for the day when
it will be born and she can hold it in her arms. The daddy, too,
looks forward to the baby's coming, and watches over the mother
during this time, because he loves the baby which he helped to
make. Also God watches over the mother and baby, for He, too,
loves the baby to which He gave life.
How does the baby come out of the mother and be born? It is very
simple. The baby, who has been in the little room of the mother,
now comes through that same hallway, which can stretch enough to
let the baby through--and the baby is very little anyhow! Usually
the mother goes to a hospital, where a doctor helps the baby to
be born, and takes care of the mother.
When the baby is born, it is put into its mother's arms right
away. Both she and the daddy look down with great joy and
happiness at the little child that God has given them. The baby
belongs to both of them, and it also belongs to God . . . really,
God gave them this baby to take care of for Him, so that some day
it could come to Him in heaven. The daddy and mother gladly take
care of it for God, because they love the baby and because they
also love God.
At first, when the baby is very small, it can't eat all the
things you eat. It is so little and weak that it needs special
food. This special food is the milk in the mother's breasts,
which the baby gets when the mother nurses it. Wasn't God good to
think of everything for the baby?
But God doesn't only want to give life to the baby's body so that
it can live on earth; He also wants to give a very special life
to its soul, so that the baby can live in heaven after it dies.
So, a short time after the baby is born, it is taken to church
and is baptized by a priest. Through this Baptism God gives His
life to the baby's soul, so that it can live with Him in heaven.
This special life of the soul is called God's grace. From the day
it's baptized, the baby is a child of God and belongs to God's
Church.
God wants people to help Him make children; but only when they
are married, because a child needs a home where the father and
mother will take care of it. If people just had children without
getting married and making a home, the children would have no
home and nobody to look after them, and give them the love they
need. Wouldn't it be horrible if little boys and girls didn't
have mothers and fathers to love them as they grow up? So, you
see, for people to have children without being married would be
very wrong and a big sin.
Don't you think that it's very wonderful how a baby comes into
the world? It is all done through love. A man and a woman love
each other very much, and want to be together all their lives. So
they get married. But they also want others to have their love
and happiness. So they have babies. The daddy and mother know
that some day their babies will go to heaven and be happy forever
with God . . . and that's really the main reason why they want
babies. If your daddy and mother hadn't had you, you wouldn't be
here now, and you wouldn't be able to get to heaven. Do you see
how much they loved you?
Some day God may let you help Him, and you will be the daddy
(mother) of lovely babies. So you see that we all come from God
at the beginning of our lives, and we all go back to God at the
end of our lives, to be happy forever. God surely does love us!
ENDNOTES
1. Faegre, Marion L., "Your Own Story," University of Minnesota
Press Minneapolis, 1943.
2. Cf. Cabot, Richard, M. D., "Christianity and Sex," Macmillan,
New York. 1938.
3. The companies that sell the various articles also have
literature which will facilitate the mother's explanation (e.g.,
Personal Products Corporation, Milltown, New Jersey).
4. Cf. Strain, Frances Bruce, "New Patterns in Sex Teaching"
(Appleton-Century. New York. 1934) pp. 139, 186.
5. Cf. Juergens, Sylvester P., S.M., "Fundamental Talks on
Purity" Bruce, Milwaukee, 1941.
6. The Queen's Work, St. Louis, 1937.
7. To prevent confusion and vulgar ideas, it may be helpful to
explain that the two functions of voiding and of generation,
while using the same external bodily outlets, are entirely
distinct functions, with entirely different internal channels
which cannot function at the same time.
CHAPTER XII: DANGERS TO PURITY
Though we might prefer to have our children ignorant as long as
possible of all evil, and especially of the evils of impurity,
ignorance can become, after a certain age, a trap for the unwary.
In our modern pagan surroundings, with the allurements to sexual
pleasure painted on all sides, due warning must anticipate the
chief dangers at each step of the child's development. It would
certainly be criminal to allow a child or an adolescent to fall
into dangers he is not prepared for.
Now, though warnings should be sufficiently accurate to enable a
child to recognize a danger when it comes, they should not be so
detailed as to create the very peril we wish to avoid. After the
first more general admonitions, a road must be left open for
further questions and further instructions when more particular
dangers are met.
The obligation of pointing out the dangers to purity rests
chiefly on the shoulders of parents, for they are responsible for
the spiritual as well as the bodily welfare of their children.
However, both priests and teachers have the obligation to extend
and complete these warnings because they too have serious
responsibility for the moral welfare of their charges. Pope Pius
XII, in "Guiding Christ's Little Ones," points out the value of
these precautions when he tells parents (p. 11):
"Your words, if they are wise and discreet, will prove a
safeguard and a warning in the midst of the temptations and
corruption which surround them 'because, foreseen, an arrow comes
more slowly.'"
WHAT DANGERS?
A solid moral theologian gives us a good outline for this type of
instruction.[1] Here is a rough translation of what he says:
"Boys and girls should be cautiously instructed, whenever
occasion arises, on the morality of some acts and the immorality
of others; for example, that bodily needs may be met without sin,
despite the presence of involuntary pleasure, but that
unnecessary handling of the genitals is dangerous and more or
less sinful. Adolescents who go to high school, or into military
service, factories, offices, domestic service, nursing, etc.,
should be instructed about the chief perils to which their virtue
may be exposed. Particularly should they be told of the malice of
masturbation, fornication and adultery. It may not be necessary
that they know these words, but they must know the facts behind
them; that is, that venereal pleasure is sinful outside of
marriage, and that the marital act is a crime except between two
persons married to each other."
It is our conviction that parents are far more capable of judging
particular dangers than anyone else. They live in the world, work
in the factories and offices, hear the conversations, and see the
actions. It is their duty to note the evils and to give proper
warnings to their children. On our part, we shall list the chief
headings under which these dangers fall.
VENEREAL DISEASES
Venereal diseases are frequently the results of impurity, and
therefore we include them for brief notice in this chapter. The
danger of venereal disease is very real but cannot be depended
upon as a great deterrent to sexual sin. Few young people would
remain chaste were fear their only motive, for the allurements of
sexual experimentation would easily outweigh the fear. However,
since these diseases are so widespread, it is well to give
adequate instruction regarding them.
In the beginning, there is no need to point out the scourge of
venereal diseases directly. Merely teach the child to act with
proper care in public bathrooms and to avoid the common drinking
cup or towel. Luckily, our modern methods of hygiene have to a
large degree eliminated these means of spreading such diseases,
bur the precautions must be taught nonetheless. They will slip
easily into the child's training in general hygiene.[2] Later, the
nature of syphilis and gonorrhea may be calmly explained.
These are diseases chiefly of the sexual organs, and are
extremely painful and infectious. Either may cause sterility; or
the persons infected may produce diseased and defective children.
Syphilis may even progress so far as to cause insanity and death.
Only recently have there been advances dealing with these
scourges. At the present time, if they are detected early enough,
they may be cured, or at least rendered dormant and non-
infectious. Finally, adolescents in their late teens should be
told that these diseases are usually contracted by illicit sexual
intercourse. It is possible, of course, that they be contracted
in marriage, or by disregarding the laws of hygiene already
described. However, it must be stressed that there is practically
no danger to those persons who refrain from sexual relations
except with a healthy spouse, and who are reasonably trained in
the rules of commonsense hygiene.
Because venereal diseases may be contracted innocently in
marriage, it is wise to advise a physical examination of both
parties before marriage. There are many other advantages to the
practice. A willingness to have this physical examination is not
an admission of impurity, for such procedures ought to be
considered routine, a pledge of love and regard for a future
partner.[3]
PERSONAL IMMODESTY
In Oneself
Teach children a routine in dressing and undressing which will
expose them as little and as briefly as is reasonably possible.
Teach them also to avoid too much curiosity about their own sex.
Though it will rarely be sinful to see the sexual organs of one's
own sex, there is some danger. Let them understand that once a
reasonable amount of knowledge is obtained, further curiosity is
dangerous, and that this type of curiosity will never be
satisfied.
Another danger is the unnecessary handling of the genitals, which
may induce masturbation. However, a word of caution. Some may
think that "necessary" means absolute necessity; that is, what is
required to remain alive! No, whatever is needful for
cleanliness, health, dressing, comfort, etc., is perfectly
legitimate.
Modesty of eyes as well as of touch is a "must" for Catholics
today. In this connection it is necessary to warn adolescents
about the evil effects of obscene, sexy and pornographic books,
magazines, photographs, movies, plays and burlesque shows. Show
them also the sinfulness in "necking" and "petting," etc., which
are so prominently featured in modern literature. Tell them
frankly what is sinful in such things.
With Others
One has obligations to others, whether of the same or opposite
sex. Teach children what these obligations are. Above all,
explain to adolescent girls what effect immodest dress and
behavior has upon men. Besides being a danger to others, lack of
modesty in this respect may cause misery to oneself--not all sex
crimes are entirely the fault of the aggressor! Again, in their
desire to be attractive, girls must not imitate sinful women. If
they dress and act as such, they have only themselves to blame if
they are accepted as such.
With Playmates
Tell children they are never to allow intimacies of touch by
their playmates. Keep a wary eye on children for some types of
games, for example, "playing doctor." Also be cautious about
trips to the bathroom in common. And finally, after babyhood, the
two sexes obviously should not be allowed to sleep in the same
room, or at least not in the same bed.
PERVERSION BY ELDERS
It should be an inviolable rule that your children should never
be alone, or go alone, with a stranger, whether man or woman. The
dangers of sexual perversion and worse are rampant. J. Edgar
Hoover says that this crime "is taking its toll at the rate of a
criminal assault every forty-three minutes day and night in the
United States."[4] This rule should hold from babyhood through
adolescence for both boys and girls. Any violation of obedience
in the matter should draw instant and severe punishment. If
necessary, tell the older children why. Many adolescents will not
heed such warnings without hearing the reasons.
To quote again from the Hoover article: "Parents should iterate
and reiterate that their children, boys or girls, should not
accept money or favors from strange men or women, and, above all,
should never get in a car with a stranger or visit a stranger's
home" (p. 104). Be consistent in this matter. If your child
should go along with someone who is a stranger to him and who
finally turns out to be an old friend, don't just smile! Despite
the happy outcome, the child has violated your rule. And if, on
the other hand, a child refuses a ride with strangers who happen
to be long-lost cousins, he should be commended, not laughed at!
In connection with the danger of perversion, be wide awake about
the places your children frequent. Local movie houses,
gymnasiums, playgrounds, bath houses, etc., are all possible
hunting grounds for perverts. Occasionally, even though rarely, a
gym instructor or instructress is at fault. Do not have ugly
suspicions without reason--but do not be too skeptical if your
child, perhaps without knowing how, tries to tell you that
something is wrong!
LATE HOURS
For the same reasons--that is--the possible dangers to personal
purity, dangers which may include perversion--do not allow late
hours to adolescents unless the circumstances are extraordinary.
In general, the only place for an adolescent after ten is bed!
Next, make sure that dances and get-togethers are under sound
auspices, and try to have the young people come and go in groups.
Then, recall that automobiles also bring dangers. Two or three
couples (boys in front seat, girls in back) are safer than single
couples.
Lastly, it may be necessary to indicate the brutal danger of
rape. We dislike to mention the fact, but it has been privately
estimated (from figures limited to reported crimes, not those
which have not come to light) that one in each 1,850 city women
under 30 in the United States is liable to rape within a year!
Does this frighten you? We hope it will, at least to the extent
of inducing you to take sensible precautions for your children's
welfare.
SCHOOLS
Dangers unfortunately continue to exist in schools, particularly
high schools. Gyms, bathrooms and shower rooms furnish some
perils. Others are found in the jokes being told, and the crude
distortions of the "facts of life" going about. Still others are
found in the new interest in so-called "humor," and "spice"
magazines. Finally, both professional and non-professional
salesmen for these and other obscene devices are sometimes found
haunting the school grounds. Due warnings concerning these
dangers are in order.
Boarding schools also offer occasions for sin. Where (as is
mainly the case) such a school is only for boys, or only for
girls, the danger usually comes from a schoolmate of the same
sex. (Occasionally even a teacher or employee may be at fault.)
Such danger may possibly be greater in schools for girls, but it
exists almost equally in schools for boys. Since girls are by
nature given to emotional love, without realizing what it may
lead to, they are more easily betrayed. At any rate, it seems
necessary to warn both sexes against allowing any intimate touch.
WORK
You will easily recognize the dangers in places of employment:
the washrooms; the amorous employer; the paternal dispenser of
rides home, not-too-good books, etc. You will probably think of
more of these than we can name!
Secondly, it is also well to warn the young worker against the
invitation to a "good time." Let young men or women find out what
the "good time" is to consist of before accepting such an
invitation. If it is to be a mixed party of girls and boys, let
them find out what is to be done when the party meets. This need
for wariness about a "good time" holds especially for those in
military service. Chaplains have mentioned their conviction that
a number of young men have been betrayed into sirs because of
their ignorance of what a "good time" could mean, and their
"shame of being ashamed" when they found out.
How?
In all of the above, it is difficult to say what is to be told
and what merely hinted. The decision will always be difficult in
any given case. Tell children enough so that they will recognize
the temptation, however vaguely, for what it is. If they know the
warning signals, they need not know the specific danger. Yet, if
they refuse to heed the warning signals, they must be told of the
danger. It cannot be too strongly stated that this is a serious
parental duty. Should an adolescent fall into sin because he
lacks sufficient knowledge of the pitfalls, his parents are
responsible.
THE POSITIVE APPROACH
There can be no doubt that for centuries there have been devilish
snares laid to destroy the innocence of youth. St. Peter remarked
it when he said: "Be sober, be watchful! For your adversary the
devil, as a roaring lion, goes about seeking someone to devour"
(1 Peter 5:8). Pope Pius XII brings the observation up to date
when he tells parents: "You have to prepare your sons and
daughters so that they may pass with unfaltering step like those
who pick their way among serpents.[5] Therefore, parents must
point out these perils, and must frequently phrase their warnings
in "don'ts." On the other hand, however, an exclusively negative
set of rules can be harmful. If we stress the "don'ts" too much,
we are liable to create an impression that purity is a gray,
dull, crippling virtue which kills all the pleasure of life. Such
an idea would certainly be false, for purity, though delicate, is
a precious and joyful jewel which brings with it a content, peace
and happiness nothing can equal; whereas impurity brings only
gnawing discontent, disgust and dissatisfaction, despite the
sensual pleasures enjoyed.
Try, therefore, to give a positive tone to all your instructions.
Show the youngster the real value of purity first, and then your
"don'ts" will fall on receptive ears. Once a boy recognizes the
honor of holding a place on his school team, he will train. Once
a boy begins to esteem purity and wishes to remain chaste, he
will avoid the pitfalls. Teach adolescents how to regard this
treasure of bodily and mental purity. Show them what it will mean
to bring a pure body and mind into marriage. Indicate the peace
and strength they will find in a chaste life. Tell them about the
triumph Christ promised when He said: ". . . the kingdom of
heaven has been enduring violent assault, and the violent have
been seizing it by force" (Matt. 11:12).
Another error must be avoided in giving necessary warnings. Try
not to cause unwholesome fear whether of the traps or of sex
itself. At first sight the perils seem overwhelming, and a boy or
girl might prefer to be free of chastity's burdensome treasure.
It is true that no one can remain chaste except with God's help.
Yet that help can be had for the asking. Again, the value of the
generative powers is so great that it easily outweighs the burden
of self-control. Hence, teach your children this holy wisdom:
"And as I knew that I could not otherwise be continent, except
God gave it, and this also was a point of wisdom, to know whose
gift it was: I went to the Lord and besought Him, and said with
my whole heart: . . . Give me wisdom" (Wis. 8:21; 9:4).
Show them also St. Peter's confidence in divine providence, when
he added this encouragement to the dreadful warning mentioned
above: "Resist him [the devil], steadfast in the faith. . . . The
God of all grace . . . will Himself, after we have suffered a
little while, perfect, strengthen and establish us" (1 Peter 5:9-
11).
Positive attitudes toward the dangers to purity can best be
summed up in the following motto:
Caution, not fear!
Confidence in God, not despair!
Love for purity, not distaste.
CASES FOR DISCUSSION
1. George, a boy of 16, worked after school in the mailing
department of a large brokerage firm. As he went in a cab to the
post office one day, the cab driver (about 40) asked George and
another boy to go out with him and another man for a "good time"
when their day's work was through. George refused on the ground
that his mother would worry if he was not home by seven.
Suppose this were George's only reason, would that have
outweighed the lure of an evening at an amusement park? Should
George have suspected other plans? How would you warn your son in
going to work on a similar job?
2. Joe, a boy of 14, accepted a ride home from a strange man. His
mother told him not to do it again, saying, "Some men are worse
than bad women, Joe." Did she say too much? Would you have
courage to say the same?
3. Louise, a girl of 17, by an unforeseen set of circumstances
was forced to come home alone on a streetcar at midnight. During
the ride an older man kept eyeing her. As she got off at her
transfer stop, he did too. Louise ran to the transfer place a
block away. She felt safe only when she saw a group of people
waiting for the second car.
Was she wise to run? Even granting that the man had no evil
intentions, did Louise do well to play safe?
4. Mary, aged 16, was at a dance under the auspices of her C.Y.O.
group. There she met a clean-cut boy, older than she, who
eventually offered her a ride home in his father's car. She
refused upon some pretext, and left later with a group of girls.
The same boy drove up with another boy and offered the group a
ride home. He opened the back door in invitation. Despite her
reluctance, and with some protest, Mary got in with the other
girls, and all got out together later. Did Mary do right in her
first refusal? In her final acceptance? Did the boy's honest
voice, his offer to the group, his offer of the back seat to
them, the fact that he went to a Catholic high school, make any
difference? Would Mary have been wise to continue the ride after
the other girls got out? How would you have acted in her place?
How would you advise your daughter?
5. Delia, aged 14, was in her first year of high school. She knew
she was a rather pretty girl. The gym teacher tried frequently to
have one girl or another stay behind after class, and seemed to
prefer Delia. She later confessed that she did a lot of dodging
to avoid this. An effort to tell her mother that something seemed
wrong, she didn't know what, brought no response. The other girls
frequently talked of this among themselves, but did not know what
to do about it. Eventually one mother was awakened to activity,
and the gym teacher passed on to other fields.
Would you have been as slow as Delia's mother? What would you
have done? What and how much would you have told Delia?
6. John and Jim, aged 8 and 9, forced a girl of 7 to play
"doctors' games" with them which involved nearly complete
disrobing. Suppose John and Jim were your sons, what would you
say? Do? What would be your proportion between reasons and
punishment, if any?
7. Jean, aged 8, had taken a trolley ride to visit a friend.
While she was waiting for the return trip, a car drew up and a
man, who insisted he was her Uncle Jim, asked her to let him take
her home. She knew she had an Uncle Jim, and this man seemed to
know where she lived. She accepted the offer. It turned out that
he was her uncle. Yet her mother spanked her soundly for
disobedience to her mother's previous instructions, and gave her
uncle quite a talking to.
Did Jean's mother act correctly? Would you have been so severe?
Would a milder punishment have been justified because of the
happy outcome? Suppose it had not been her Uncle Jim? How should
Jean have answered her uncle?
8. Jack, 18, is going into the Army for his military training. Of
what would your last man-to-man talk consist? Would the words
"prostitute," "pin-up," "house of ill fame," "obscene pictures,"
or their equivalents, come up? If you were in either of the last
two wars, would your own experiences help? Would it have made it
any easier if your dad had given you such warnings?
9. Lulu, aged 17, likes to be attractive, and goes in for style
and paint. Her intentions are not in the least evil, but she
follows the latest fashions in every department. She notices that
the boys stare from time to time, and finally she is
"propositioned." Lulu responds with an indignant refusal. Should
Lulu, in the calm aftermath, wonder whether she might have been
at least partly responsible for the evil suggestion?
10. John, aged 13, went to boarding school. An older boy "went
over" him with his hands. John had never experienced any sexual
urges before, and did not experience any now. In his ignorance
(not innocence!) he got the idea that this older boy must be an
agent of the school doctor. Yet he was vaguely uneasy. Thinking
it over worried him and he consulted a priest. (This happened!)
Could such a thing happen to your boy? Had his parents told him
to "come up fighting" if any companion attempted such a thing,
would John have been saved this serious experience? Though, as a
matter of fact, no evil came of it, so far as John was concerned,
could his purity have been endangered for life?
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. List the dangers which, from your own experience, you think
are to be met in each of these places; schools, nursing homes,
factories, offices, dance halls, taverns, military camps etc.
Discuss methods of warning an adolescent of them (a) seriously,
and (b) without creating neurotic fears.
2. Try to phrase for each age level simple warnings concerning
the venereal diseases. Discuss methods of inculcating hygienic
habits in public lavatories.
3. What dangers in personal immodesty do you think your children
might meet? In immodesty with others, playmates elders?
4. What are the chief arguments against purity which are
circulating among teen-agers? ("Everybody does it." "It's all
right if you are in love with the girl." "Try things out first
before you get married," etc.) Are these arguments dangers in
themselves? How can you refute them?
5. What discussions are going the rounds about the pre-marital
use of contraceptives? How can you face this danger?
6. Is your own home safe for your children? Do you get the
scandal newspapers? What kinds of books, magazines and papers are
lying around? What about the comic books your children are
reading? Are all reasonable proprieties observed between your
sons and daughters?
7. As a result of this section on warnings, will you suspect
every stranger who smiles or talks to your baby? On the other
hand, do you think it unfortunate that your child is not more
friendly with everyone? Is there room for a common-sense middle
course here?
ENDNOTES
1. Aertnys-Damen, Op. cit., I, # 496, q. 2.
2. Hygiene is simply the science and practice of health
preservation. When one avoids disease by the practice of
cleanliness, antisepsis, etc., he is practicing the art of
Personal hygiene.
3. Further information on this whole subject will be found in
"The Venereal Diseases," by Thurman B. Rice, American Medical
Association, Chicago, 1939.
4. See the "American Magazine" for July, 1947, p. 32: "How Safe
Is Your Daughter?" Quoted with permission of the publisher.
5. Guiding Christ's Little Ones, p. 9.
CHAPTER XIII: REMOTE PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
Mature attitudes toward marriage are recognized to be a modern
need. Indeed, many secular universities have been so impressed by
the fact that they have introduced both regular and extension
courses on marriage and family life (for example, the University
of California has a course, "Youth and Marriage Today," in
University Extension). The need is great because there is so
little evidence of family life in modern culture;[1] and few people
really consider marriage an institution for the begetting and
raising of children, though they may pay lip service to that
ideal. At the present time, the concept of marriage is
concentrated on "romantic love," physical beauty, sexual
attraction, and emotional appeal, which elements are featured in
magazines, movies, radio and stage plays. For women, marriage is
placed in opposition to a "career," as though motherhood were not
a really worthwhile calling.
In generations past, there was no need for special emphasis on
marriage and family life. Even though their ideas may
occasionally have been erroneous, parents knew family life,
practiced it, and passed it along to their children. On their
side, children experienced family life and were prepared by such
living to found their own families. In our age, the "small"
family, and the tremendous (conscious or unconscious) propaganda
against the meaning of marriage, has destroyed this older
education; and even many Catholics, though they live (at times
unwillingly) under Catholic principles, have unconsciously
accepted these false attitudes. Therefore, today there is a
special need of preparation for marriage, and indeed it is high
time our Catholic schools and colleges also took up this
important work.[2] All Catholic children need a mature and
Christian attitude toward marriage.
FOR WHOM?
Most of your children will marry, and even those who will choose
the celibate life should do so freely, after at least considering
marriage. They can neither marry in a holy manner, nor sacrifice
this holy state for the more holy one of consecrated virginity,
unless they value matrimony as adult Christians should. In
addition, it is our contention that even those of either sex who
will surely become religious or priests should have this full
formation in the home. In the first place, unless they become
contemplatives, a large part of their lives will be spent in
advising married people and in protecting the family. If they
teach, they must educate by far the greater majority of their
pupils for a solid family life. Therefore, it should not be left
to their advanced education to give religious and priests an
appreciation of the true value of Christian marriage. This they
should have from their earliest years.[3]
WHAT FORMATION?
Large portions of this book have been concerned with proper
attitudes and remote preparation for marriage; for example,
Chapter V, pp. 57 ff., Vocations; Chapter IX, pp. 126 ff.,
Emotional Attitudes toward Body, Marriage, Parenthood. Here we
shall add a few other things which young people should know and
realize thoroughly as a remote preparation for possible marriage.
DIVORCE
At the turn of the century it was unusual to have even a single
acquaintance who was divorced. Now there is scarcely a locality
in which a person can live without meeting several divorced
people. Our divorce rate has soared until there is now one new
divorce for every three new marriages, and the rate shows little
sign of any notable decline.
Young people should not take this state of affairs for granted.
They must learn that, though a separation may be allowed for a
good reason (and with the permission of the bishop), the divorce
of persons truly married, giving them freedom to remarry, is
against God's law for all. Christ said: "What God has joined
together, let no man put asunder" (Matt. 19:6). The Church is
waging a lone and almost losing battle for this divine law.
Simply, validly married people who divorce and "remarry" are not
married. Though their consciences may not bother them,
objectively and really they are living in adulterous unions, and
pleasing phrases should not be allowed to cover up this sad state
of affairs. ("Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so were married yesterday after
recent divorces"; or, "Married: John S. and Mary D., at Reno, she
for the third, he for the fourth time." Married?) Let adolescents
learn to judge these adulterous unions for what they are.
Try also to prevent in your children any tendency to worship
Hollywood stars. If they like the acting of an individual and can
separate that aspect from his personal life, no harm will be
done. Yet the "lives and loves" (very many loves!) of some
Hollywood stars are held up as models to our young people, though
very few such "lives and loves" will bear close examination, much
less imitation. This may apply even to some nominally Catholic
stars. Therefore, insist that your children judge this public
scandal in its true light. Silence on these subjects is criminal!
This same clear gaze must be turned toward the unions of
Catholics who go through ceremonies before a minister or justice
of the peace. The statement, "In the eyes of the Church they are
not married," should not mean (as it does to some Catholics) that
the Church merely withholds its blessing from what is in fact a
real marriage. For Catholics, the eyes of the Church are the eyes
of God. Catholics who attempt such civil unions are as much in a
state of sin as Catholics who live together without a ceremony of
any kind. This may seem strong language, but it is nevertheless
the truth, and it should be known by all, to counteract the
effect of the loose talk, and even looser thinking, of some
Catholics. If our adolescents live in the midst of such thinking,
with little or no counter-education at home, can we be surprised
if they should ignore clear warnings from the pulpit and Catholic
school?
BIRTH CONTROL
What Chesterton called "no birth and less control," is a very
popular subject for conversation and dispute. In spite of this,
many Catholic parents hesitate to mention it. We admit it would
be better if it could be ignored, but silence leaves the field
open to the advocates of this pernicious thing. There is, of
course, no need to indicate to adolescents the methods of
contraception. They should, however, know that it is
intrinsically evil and never allowed for any reason whatsoever.
Let them clearly understand Pius XI (encyclical "On Christian
Marriage"):
"Since, therefore, the conjugal act is destined primarily by
nature for the begetting of children, those who in exercising it
deliberately frustrate its natural power and purpose sin against
nature and commit a deed which is shameful and intrinsically
vicious."
Mere argument is not enough to prevent this sin in the marriages
of your children, for we live in an age which does not reason but
acts on "feeling." If, however, children are imbued with a love
of marriage as a vocation, if they love children, if they feel
the desire to raise up lovers of God, if they want to increase
the Mystical Body of Christ on earth, the attacks of pagans will
hardly touch them. Indeed, against these ideas what motives can
the pagans offer? They argue that parents should be free from the
burden of children; that carrying a child causes loss of
"figure"; that the economic sacrifice of raising a family is too
difficult; that the health of a mother is destroyed by
childbearing. To these selfish arguments, they add the pressure
of cynical laughter, which is often the most effective of all
since most people fear to appear foolish in the eyes of others,
no matter how wrong those others may be.
Now, freedom from children is hardly a blessing for a married
couple. Freedom for what? Golf and bridge? Children give purpose
and aim to an otherwise aimless life. Economic sacrifices are
real, indeed, but more than repaid by the joy of loving children,
who are certainly worth every sigh. Again, the argument from
health tricks many into sin although, generally speaking,
childbearing is physically beneficial and refusal of motherhood
is both mentally and physically harmful to most married women.[4]
The few cases in which this is not true can be handled by
continence, whether absolute or periodic The rest of the
arguments and pressures should be beneath the notice of any
reasonable person, and certainly of no value for a militant
Catholic.
As a last word against birth control, remind your children that,
once chosen, marriage is the vocation or means by which they must
get to heaven. A man and wife who continually live in the state
of mortal sin, cannot hope for the blessing of God on themselves
or on their family, and hence cannot reach heaven. Nor can they
urge that they are so much "in love" that they cannot refrain
from this sin. A true lover could never ask his beloved to go to
hell with him!
FAMILY LIFE
Divorce, invalid marriages, contraception, are evils which must
be attacked; but even more important than this warfare against
the family's foes is the positive inculcation of family living.
This depends chiefly on parental example. Thus, parents should
show their mutual need of each other and their satisfaction in
being together. Actually, it may be helpful at times to point out
what each does for the family, lest the children come to take
things for granted. For instance, if for any reason one parent is
absent because of sickness or business, drive the lesson home by
pointing out the void that is left while he or she is necessarily
absent.
Give children duties to perform in the family circle. A happy,
busy, useful home life teaches children more of family life than
they will ever learn from books[5] All the girls should have an
opportunity to cook, sew, wash, iron, clean, and plan home
decoration. The boys, too, should learn to contribute. Let them
help with repair jobs, painting, washing and drying dishes, etc.
It is a sad commentary on home life when we must teach cooking
(even fundamentals like boiling eggs) and elementary carpentry in
school!
There is no better way of learning the true nature of marriage
than a study, or at least a reading, of Pius XI's encyclical "On
Christian Marriage," already cited so often. If this seems too
heavy for adolescents, we suggest the correspondence course "This
Is a Great Sacrament," the first ten lessons of which can be had
by anyone 17 years of age or older.[6]
BOY MEETS GIRL
Early in adolescence boys and girls will begin to show interest
in each other. This can and should be an innocent and joyful
discovery of the different nature of each sex and how it
complements the other. Young people can learn about the real
qualities of men and women, and real living, and by so doing,
they are remotely preparing for marriage. Therefore, let them
invite their friends home. If you have trained your children
well, they will choose only morally decent companions, and will
never bring home anyone of whom they need be ashamed. Do not
object that your home is too small. We know of a family with
eleven children in a six-room house which always manages to have
its parlor free for the children's friends! Again, if you have a
cellar, get the youngsters to whitewash it, paint the floor,
etc., and let them dig up an old record player. Youths are seldom
critical of furnishings and they will learn how to enjoy
themselves at a minimum of expense. By these means you will
provide your adolescents with a safe place in which to grow; and
your occasional presence (never suspicious!) will be a reasonable
check on any dangerous tendencies.
Steadies
There is one particular danger in modern youth activities, and
this is the too early pairing off. If "going steady" merely means
that your daughter is sure of an escort every Friday night to a
dance, there is little danger. But danger does arise when this
pairing off takes on the aspect of real company-keeping with a
view to marriage. If, as an example, a girl of 17 goes out almost
every night for a month or more with the same person and spends
most of the evenings alone with him without any real hope of
marrying, she needs considerable counsel. In the face of popular
adolescent approval of such customs, it is hard to oppose it.
First use roundabout reasons: neglect of study, lack of sleep,
the missing of so many other interesting persons, etc. If no
change is shown, forbid the "going steady." Why? Because it is a
mortal sin to indulge in real company-keeping without intending
to marry or without being able to consider marriage for a long
time.[7] Surely it is dangerous to purity for two people who are
attracted to each other to be continually and frequently alone
together. To enter into such an occasion of sin without a
sufficient reason, is sinful in itself.
Company-keeping
Company-keeping can be said to start when a young man and woman
begin to pair off with the idea of finding out whether they could
make a success of marriage together. Those keeping company have
no more "rights" to immodest actions than any other unmarried
people, and they must safeguard themselves against the
temptations to which their growing attraction may give rise. For
this reason, too long a period of courtship should be avoided.
Yet what might be "too long" in any one case is difficult to
determine. A good norm, aside from particular circumstances, is
this: real courtship should not last less than six months (so
they can really learn to know each other) nor more than a year.
Parents still have duties in this matter! A simple warning,
caution, etc., will, however, frequently have to suffice. Since
these children have grown nearly to maturity, they will resent
interference, and indirect methods will perhaps be most
effective.
QUALITIES OF FUTURE PARTNER
Long before an engagement, the qualities of a future partner
should be taken into consideration. What are they?
Religion
Catholics are forbidden to marry non-Catholics except for very
grave reasons and then only when there is no danger to the faith
of the Catholic party, and when there is certainty that all the
children will be baptized and raised as Catholics.[8] This law
forbidding mixed marriages can be dispensed with for only a few
reasons. The only good reasons which are found in ordinary cases
are these: for the woman, that she is past the age when she is
likely to have another chance; for either, that it is difficult
to find a Catholic partner or there is real hope of conversion of
the non-Catholic party. There are indeed other reasons, but they
are rarely found (for example, the situation of a widow with
children). True, the Church gives dispensations more frequently
than the presence of legitimate reasons might indicate, but the
parties themselves cannot use her reasons. Briefly, the Church
often dispenses for fear that if she does not, the parties will
contract a civil marriage and live together in sin! Consequently,
because it is wrong to demand a dispensation without a good
reason (being "in love" is not of itself a good reason), it is
wrong to begin real company-keeping with a view to marriage
without at that time having a reason for a dispensation.[9] If it
is a mortal sin to do this, it is the duty of Catholics to make
sure they have contacts among Catholics, and to avoid romantic
attachments to non-Catholics. St. Paul says: "Do not bear the
yoke [of marriage] with unbelievers" (2 Cor. 6:14). Though this
had reference at the time to marriages with pagans, it is still
generally applicable to all mixed marriages.
Aside from the Church's prohibition, the facts themselves show
that mixed marriages usually do not work, and always are a
hazard. Many non-Catholics are beginning to see that two people
cannot make a success of life if their major interest, their
religion, is different.[10] In a survey reported in Newsweek,[11] Dr.
Leiffer, a Methodist, states: ". . . in numerous families the
tension [of religious difference] continued to be acute even
after twenty years of marriage." Such an argument is only from
the vantage point of temporal happiness--how much more forceful
the argument from that of eternal happiness! There cannot be true
spiritual unity of husband and wife when the non-Catholic party
does not believe in or participate in the religion of his spouse,
the Catholic home practices, education of the children, First
Communion, Confirmation, etc. Something will always be lacking,
for the non-Catholic will feel "left out," and the family will
miss his active participation. Furthermore, no non-Catholic sect
prohibits divorce or birth control. How can there be complete
giving of each other, or real moral agreement, if there is
disagreement on these two fundamental matters? Lest any non-
Catholic partner in mixed marriage take all this as a mere
personal affront, let us ask this question: "Granting you have
made a reasonable success of your marriage, is it not true that
religious differences have made it difficult for you to obtain
perfect marital union of mind and heart with your spouse?" We are
convinced that your answer must be, "Yes, it has been difficult."
From all this it should be clear that it is the serious duty of
Catholic parents to instill in their children the obligation of
choosing a Catholic partner in marriage. It should be a
fundamental ideal for Catholic young people. In looking forward
to marriage, no other possibility should be envisioned.[12]
Moral Character
Imbue your children with the idea of choosing as a marriage
partner a person of upright morality, for few succeed in
reforming their partners after the wedding ceremony. This is
especially true regarding sexual sins, drunkenness or dishonesty.
If either or both partners have sinned habitually in these ways,
it is unlikely that immoral conduct will be avoided during or
even in marriage. This is another reason for caution during
company-keeping. If the future partners cannot keep chaste before
marriage, they will hardly keep chaste in marriage. This is not
merely a Catholic opinion. Non-Catholic studies have indicated
that a breakdown of chastity before marriage leads to mutual
contempt, suspicion and mistrust; and surely a marriage cannot
last long if suspicion holds sway.
Compatibility
Future spouses should have similar likes and dislikes over a wide
held, but not necessarily identical interests, for this would
make a dull life. Compatibility means that they have the same
ideas of what is right, proper, polite, etc., and that all their
interests fit reasonably together. This holds for wealth level,
intellectual level, and so on. Though stories of successful
marriages between rich and poor, intelligent and mediocre,
refined and brusque, are frequent, the actual chances of success
in these cases are low. "Marry your own" is a worthwhile motto in
every sphere.
Maturity
Physical maturity is naturally expected in those who marry, but
mental and emotional maturity is equally needed and less often
possessed. Many modern works have pointed out that emotional
immaturity is almost a characteristic of the American nation.[13]
Now, unless two people are adult in their approach to reality,
they will find it difficult, if not impossible, to make a success
of marriage. Sulking, childish traits, lack of decisiveness,
inability to give and take, wreck many marriages. One of the best
tests for maturity is this: Can a person make clear, considered
decisions, carry them out, and take the consequences without
excessive fear or worry, whether the outcome is good or bad? The
answer must be, "Yes," before one can rate a person mature.
Physical Fitness
Physical fitness is frequently denied consideration, despite the
fact that many marriages are unhappy as a result. By physical
fitness is meant normal robustness of body to bear the burdens of
family demands. This does not mean that athletes alone may safely
marry, nor that the unhealthy must not marry. It means that each
one must weigh the matter well before deciding on marriage with
one not normally healthy. It means that a young man should ask
himself whether he is equal to the task of supporting a family,
and a young woman should ask herself whether she can bear
children without great danger. They must also discuss these
questions with each other. If they agree to marry, despite
adverse indications, at least let them have their eyes wide open
to the sacrifices for life that such disabilities may entail. One
of the sacrifices demanded might be the practice of continence
for long periods.
Physical Attraction
The modern mind places this quality first and considers that
unless two people violently desire each other, they make a
mistake in marrying. But in fact physical desire is the least
important element, for a successful marriage must be built on
deeper foundations than attraction of body. As long as persons
are not repelled by each other, their physical attraction can
usually be developed to meet all the demands of marriage.
Physical attraction is important, of course, and that there
should be some desire. Yet, if marriage is based on this sole
qualification, it is doomed to failure. "A marriage based on sex
attraction alone carries in itself, from the beginning, the germ
of destruction," says Allers.[14] This is easily seen when we
recall that sex satisfaction is essentially selfish; it is a
"getting." A marriage based on sexual pleasure cannot endure
because real marriage is a "giving," not a "getting," and it is
only in giving that the partners may hope for a return.
Parents must give their children an eye for the right qualities
in a prospective marriage partner. As in all education, they can
do this best by giving the example of their own happiness in
marriage. Secondly, parents should teach their children to come
to them for advice; and this, in turn, must be given cautiously,
with an effort to make them judge correctly for themselves. Try
to judge, and help your sons and daughters to judge, the person
concerned objectively. Point out the faults and difficulties, but
let them make the decision. In discussing such matters, try to
eliminate a mere dislike or bias and prejudice which has no real
foundation. Tone of voice, color of hair, manner of dress, origin
outside of one's "set," etc., make no difference unless these
indicate some other more basic and objectionable trait.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Should there be many more courses in marriage and family life
in our Catholic high schools and colleges? Are the Popes'
condemnations of sex instruction in public against this? What
might some of the courses include? Do you believe it is true that
past generations learned these things without formal instruction?
What do you think of the statement that all should have mature
attitudes on marriage?
2. Do you find that your thinking on divorce and "remarriage" has
slipped into a pagan groove? Discuss some of the recent arguments
for birth control which you have heard. Will it not be even
harder for the next generation (your children) to withstand such
propaganda? What can you do about it? About the conditions that
make the arguments seem plausible?
3. Is there real family life in your home? Or is your home merely
a hotel, a place to sleep and eat? Does your family have frequent
recreation together? Discuss methods by which each family member
can make contributions to home life. Have you ever read anything
on Christian marriage and family life? Would it make any
difference in your education if you had? May we suggest some
material?[15]
4. Discuss methods of control in boy--girl relationships without
dampening them. Do you have the problem of "steadies" with your
adolescents? What is their mind on this matter? How can you
control this indirectly? When would you make a positive
prohibition?
5. What is company-keeping? Are any "liberties" allowed? What
means can young people use to remain chaste? How can you teach
those means to your children without seeming to intrude? Discuss
what might be a too long courtship. Give examples.
6. Do you believe that falling in love is something over which
one has no control? Is the question, "What kind of father (or
mother) will he (or she) make for my children?" in any way
improper? Would some people consider it so? Why? Is it not a
healthier approach than questions of glamour and bodily beauty?
Do you think that young people fall in love today too easily?
7. What is wrong with a mixed marriage? Did you know it was
sinful to keep company with a non-Catholic without a reason for a
dispensation? Do your children know? Do you realize how
unflattering is the reason for many of the dispensations granted?
(That is, fear that the couple will merely go through a civil
ceremony and live together.) Have you ever heard St. Paul's
prohibition before? Do you think the fundamental difference of
opinion on divorce and birth control is a source of much
unhappiness and sin in mixed marriages?
8. Do you believe people change their characters in marriage? Can
you recall any examples of individuals who have not "changed
their spots" despite the fond hopes of their spouses? Is it
possible, on the contrary, to progress in virtue together?
9. List some common interests that bind marriages more firmly;
some interests which tend to break them. (Are you a golf-widow; a
bridge-widower?) How might people help overcome these problems?
10. What is maturity? What is a good yardstick for it? Do you
agree that there are many childish personalities walking about in
adult bodies? How would you help your children grow to emotional
maturity? (Demand that they make decisions. Refuse to protect
them from the consequences of their acts. Give them
responsibilities according to their age and hold them strictly
accountable. Allow them a reasonable field for freedom of choice-
-clothes, recreation, studytime.)
11. Is it true that sexual desire is essentially selfish? Can you
think of any young couples who are successfully and happily
married though they seem to lack worldly "sex appeal"?
12. What is advice? Is it "telling people what to do"? Or is it
helping them to decide for themselves? Do your children come to
you for advice? Why or why not? If they do not ask help, could it
be that you are no longer a close friend?
ENDNOTES
1. Cf. Sorokin, Pitirim A., "The Crisis of Our Age" (Dutton, New
York, 1941), chapter V.
2. Cf. Walsh, George A., "The Religious Need of Modern Youth
Marriage Preparation," in the "Catholic High School Quarterly
Bulletin" IV (April, 1946), pp. 3-5. Since this chapter was
written, a number of fine high school programs have come to the
attention of the author; e.g. Sister M. Annetta's "The Christian
Family Living Series," W. H. Sadlier Inc., New York, 1952.
Excellent courses are now given in most Catholic colleges and
good texts are available from a number of Catholic publishers.
4. Cf. McCann, Frederick John, "Contraception: A Common Cause of
Disease" (Central Bureau Press, St. Louis, 1946), pp. 34-38.
5. Cf. "Family with Nine Kids," in the "Ladies' Home Journal,"
March and April, 1946.
6. Published by the Catholic Centre, Ottawa University, 1 Stewart
Street, Ottawa 2, Canada.
8. Cf. Code of Canon Law, Canons 1060, 1061, 1070.
9. Cf. Aertnys-Damen, loc. cit.
10. Cf. Adams-Packard, "How To Pick a Mate" (Dutton, New York,
1946) pp. 139-146; Evelyn Millis Duval, "Building Your Marriage"
(Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 113, Public Affairs Committee, New
York, 946).
11. January 31, 1949, p. 64. Quoted with permission of the
publisher.
12. Cf. Lord, Daniel A., S.J., "Marry Your Own," The Queen's Work
St. Louis; Carroll, T., "Mixing Your Marriage?" Liturgical Press,
Collegeville, Minn.; Miller, D.F., "Can Mixed Marriages Be
Happy?" Liguorian Pamphlets, Liguori, Mo.
13. Cf. Strecker, Edward A., "Their Mothers' Son," J.B.
Lippincott, New York, 1946 "What's Wrong with American Mothers?"
in the "Saturday Evening Post," October 26, 1946, "The American
Character," in "Life Magazine," August 18, 1947.
14. "Sex Psychology in Education" (Herder, St. Louis, 1937), p.
259. Quoted with permission of the publisher.
15. For example, the encyclical "On Christian Marriage"; also
"Life Together," by Wingfield Hope, Sheed and Ward, 1944.
CHAPTER XIV: IMMEDIATE PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
Once a couple has agreed on marriage, and if any impediments
exist they have been cared for, there are still some points on
which a son or daughter should be instructed by a parent.[1]
MARRIAGE RIGHTS
It is not enough for a young couple to enter marriage with a mere
knowledge of the fact of marital intercourse. They should also be
instructed in sufficient time about their practical sexual
adjustments in marriage. Though by no means the most important
consideration in marriage, a satisfactory sexual life is one
important basis for marital happiness. It is unfortunate that
some think this matter comes by instinct. There are, indeed,
urges of instinct; but methods in this as in all matters can be
learned in but two ways, either by experience or by instruction.
The first is hazardous because a brutal first experience may be
the ultimate cause of marital disaster. Such disillusioning
experience could be caused by so little a thing as forgetting the
different rapidity of sexual reaction in the two sexes. Therefore
it would seem that some instruction is necessary.
A couple can obtain their information from a wholesome or an
unwholesome source. Now, parents are, or should be, a wholesome
source, but if they do not give this necessary help, the young
persons will be driven to ask advice from possibly erroneous or
even sinful sources. From these they may learn "rather the art of
sinning in a subtle way than the virtue of living chastely"
(encyclical "On Christian Marriage"). It is imperative, then,
that the father (or perhaps an elder married brother) give this
proper instruction to the bridegroom, and the mother or an elder
married sister to the young bride, even though such intimate
instruction might seem most embarrassing. If parents cannot or
will not give this information, they should at least send the
young persons to a Catholic doctor or nurse.
In Person or Booklet?
Some think that a booklet would be better since it lends itself
to calm reading and repetition. Its very impersonality precludes
too much danger of sin (remember that the morality for the
unmarried binds engaged people). Others think that personal
instruction is better, since, if it is given simply and
reverently, reverent attitudes will be adopted from the attitude
of the adviser. It is difficult to arrive at a decision. It seems
to make little difference as long as the facts are learned in a
proper emotional atmosphere. If a booklet is decided on, one can
usually be obtained from a doctor or marriage counselor.
How Much Information?
There is no need for tremendous detail or a vivid description of
sexual pleasure. Marital intimacies are attractive enough in
themselves, unless early training has made them seem disgusting
or shameful. The instruction should be sufficient to indicate
what to expect, yet not so detailed as to give a formula or
blueprint which is to be unvaried in its use. There is no need
for anyone to live this or any other department of his life "by
the book," and some joy of discovery and spontaneity should be
left to the couple. Nevertheless, enough must be explained to
allow the young couple to approach their first sexual experience
calmly and with some measure of confidence and knowledge. Each
partner should know well what is expected by, and what to expect
of, the other. Above all, each should learn consideration for the
different nature of the opposite sex (the male, passionate and
active; the female, slow of response, demanding loving acts,
etc.). It may also be well to add that physical delight cannot be
expected to be perfect at the first encounter. In this and other
spheres, marriage is a process of lifelong learning. A couple
will need time for perfect adjustment in both bodily and
spiritual spheres.
When?
Some say that detailed physical information should not precede
marriage by more than one or two days. On the other hand, since a
modern marriage does not seem a leisurely thing, and the last few
days are one flurry of external preparation, it seems sensible to
give the information earlier. Information given a week or two
before will enable the spouses to accustom themselves to the
ideas, and to become calm about them. Obviously this information
should be given in private, and never to both parties together.
If any doubts arise concerning the morality of this instruction,
apply the moral principles for modesty as listed in Chapter VIII,
that is: though information of this nature is stimulating to the
passions, there is a necessary reason for knowing the simple
facts; one may, therefore, legitimately acquire this knowledge
while being careful not to consent to any physical pleasure which
might arise involuntarily.
More Physiology?
A more complete physiology may be very useful to the couple at
this time, though not absolutely necessary. Perhaps this can be
better left to their early married life. Many young married
people are curious as to what goes on within them especially
during pregnancy. They have every right to know if they wish. Yet
there is danger in procuring many of the secular books
advertised, for some are coarse or even immoral. At the very
least, most books will have one chapter approving contraception.
Fortunately there are a number of good Catholic texts which will
provide this information. Parents may encourage the young couple
to complete the final chapters of "This Is a Great Sacrament." A
new text for the use of individuals, couples, or groups has been
issued by the Family Life Bureau of the National Catholic Welfare
Conference. Entitled "Together in Christ," it is also available
as a correspondence course. Other Catholic works suitable for use
in pre-marital instruction are listed in the bibliography.
SEX MORALITY FOR THE MARRIED
Chastity (remember our definition?) is still to be observed in
marriage, though it has different principles of application,
which are as follows:
1. Since marriage is a contract, and the contract is concerned
with acts of procreation, each party has equal rights to the
marriage act. To refuse the other his marital rights, except for
a serious reason (for example, sickness, danger of miscarriage,
etc.) is a mortal sin. When in doubt, a confessor should be
consulted.
2. Neither may stimulate himself or partner to full satisfaction
out of connection with a properly completed marriage act.
3. Birth control (a popular and false name for contraception or
Onanism) is always a serious sin, which no reason whatsoever will
justify.
4. Continence, whether periodic (the so-called "Rhythm") or
total, may be practiced under the following definite conditions:
a) The practice must be freely undertaken by mutual consent; b)
There must be no serious danger of unchastity or loss of conjugal
love in either party as a result of the practice; c) There must
be a positive and good reason for adopting the practice. The
presence or absence of these conditions should be decided with
the help of a confessor.[2]
5. No sexual thought or desire may be deliberately directed to a
third person without serious sin.
6. All else which is reasonable and agreeable to both persons, is
allowed. Thoughts, desires, kisses and embraces, though rightly
considered immodest before marriage, are allowable so long as
none of the above principles are violated (especially the
second).
ACT OF VIRTUE--WHAT IS RIGHT
It may be well to note again that marital acts between spouses in
accordance with the above principles are virtuous! The virtue of
justice is exercised in giving a partner his rights. The virtue
of chastity is exercised in using sexual acts according to God's
law. The virtue of love is exercised in making these acts
expressions of love. If the partner is really loved
supernaturally, that is, in and for God, the act is one of
supernatural charity. If the partners are in the state of grace
and acting with proper intention, their acts are supernaturally
meritorious. It is obvious therefore, that there is no
impropriety in going to Communion after the use of the marriage
rights. If the act is not sinful in any way, if it is indeed
virtuous it cannot be out of place to approach the Holy Table
afterward.
RESTRAINT
Despite the clear truths stated above, there is danger that the
marriage act will be performed for mere animal pleasure, and
result in excess and abuse. Just as pleasures of taste may be
abused by overindulgence, so may legitimate sexual pleasures.
Surely marriage is no place for sexual orgies, and nature herself
penalizes for overindulgence in the sexual as in the other
appetites. Excess will dull the mind, make it unfit for nobler
pursuits (for example, thought, prayer, love on a higher plane),
and will even kill the sexual pleasures themselves. Also, too
frequent sex satisfaction but whets the appetite and makes
continence (when and if necessary) exceedingly difficult to
practice. Therefore,
". . . Let husband and wife resolve: . . . to use the rights
given them by marriage in a way that will always be Christian and
sacred, more especially in the first years of wedlock, so that
should there be need of continence afterward, custom will have
made it easier for each to preserve it" (encyclical "On Christian
Marriage").
Many occasions will arise demanding restraint and continence.
Indeed, from time to time as much self-control is needed in
marriage as before; for once an individual learns sexual delight,
it is hard to remain continent at various necessary times. For
instance, before and after childbirth, continence is imperative.
Again, business trips which cause a necessary separation, long
serious illness, and other occasions may demand prolonged self-
control. Unless the spouses have practiced restraint, they will
find it difficult, if not impossible, to observe this continence.
Remember that a sin during this time adds the malice of
unfaithfulness to the impurity committed.
Christian Asceticism
Modern writers stress the beauty and goodness of the marital act,
and this is as it should be. Yet some Catholics have followed
suit to such a degree that there is danger of losing the ideal of
Christian asceticism, since there is room for Christian
asceticism in this as in every pleasure (and other pleasures are
good too!). Let St. Paul give the norm (1 Cor. 7:5):
Do not deprive each other {of marital pleasures), except perhaps
by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer;
and return together again lest Satan tempt you because you lack
self-control.
Such asceticism will engender self-control, prevent brutish
excess, and make a Christian life more holy. During times of
penance (Lent, Advent), such abstinence might well be used by the
spouses to declare before God that they do not "give themselves
to their lust" (Tobias 6:17), but exercise their rights and
accept the joy that ensues, out of love of God, His law,
children, and each other. Note, however, St. Paul's conditions,
"by consent," "for a time," and the reason--a spiritual one!
Neither partner may adopt an "ascetical" restraint at the expense
of the other or for a selfish reason. What might be excess, or in
what an acceptable Christian asceticism might consist, must be
decided by the spouses together.
MISCARRIAGE
The young married couple should be taught what to do in case of a
miscarriage. Since it is possible that a living soul is there,
conditional Baptism should be conferred by husband or wife in the
following manner: if the fetus can be found, the sac in which it
is encased should be slit and the whole dipped up and down in
warm water while saying the words: "If thou art living, I baptize
thee in the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy
Ghost." The aborted fetus should be buried in consecrated ground,
a task which, in a Catholic hospital, is always carried out. In
other cases the parents should get in touch with a Catholic
undertaker. (Cf. Healy, Mary Lanigan, "Baby in a Shoe Box,"
Catholic Information Society, New York.)
ABORTION--STERILIZATION
In modern life one can hardly avoid the propaganda for these two
crimes. First, therefore, the couple should know that directly to
bring about abortion is equivalent to murder and is punished by
excommunication from the Church.[3] Secondly, sterilization or
whatever is equivalent (severing any organ, etc.), is never
allowed except for the good of the body as such (for example,
when the organ is diseased). Fear of difficult pregnancy is not a
sufficient reason. Thus, any doctor's demand for an operation
during pregnancy, or for sterilization of any kind, should always
be referred to a priest for a moral (not medical) decision. The
matter is too involved to discuss here, though a Catholic doctor
or any doctor practicing in a Catholic hospital usually knows
what is permissible in such cases.
Though what has gone before should be known by every newlywed,
how much can be successfully given by parents is a question.
Perhaps giving them this brief chapter to read would suffice for
general moral cases while the practical physical adjustments can
be indicated separately by the parent or some other qualified
person, or by a booklet.
Please note that the last two chapters of this work though brief,
are packed with very important material. Each sentence could have
been expanded to a paragraph, each paragraph to a chapter, and a
whole book would scarcely do justice to these and some other
points space limitations have forced us to omit. Consider these
two chapters, then, as a minimum outline of the remote and
proximate preparations for marriage. Certainly, they are the
absolute minimum to be expected from Catholic parents.
QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION AIDS
1. Did you receive any practical instruction before your wedding?
Discuss the difficulties that young married people have because
they do not get such instruction. Would even the most vague
instruction be better than none? Who in your opinion, can best
give this information with the least emotional disturbance on
both sides?
2. Do you think people learn anything of a practical nature from
mere instinct (without any experience or instruction)? On the
other hand, haven't you seen booklets for young married people
which pretend to help them in marital adjustments but which you
know are erroneous? Could you bring yourself to give this
instruction simply and reverently? Would you prefer to give the
young person a booklet and thus wash your hands of a delicate
matter? Why?
3. How soon should the spouses be instructed before marriage?
Would the evening before be a time of calm instruction? Is
people's wonder about the physical processes within them,
legitimate curiosity?
4. Were you instructed in the morality given here? If not, would
such instruction have helped you? Do you think you have any
obligation to take needless worry from your children who are soon
to marry? Is there any impropriety in going to the Sacraments
after satisfying marital obligations?
5. What virtues are exercised in performing marital acts in a
holy manner? Did you ever think of them in that light before?
6. Why is restraint and self-control necessary? Are there not
many occasions for necessary self-control in married life?
7. Did you know how to baptize in case of a miscarriage? Explain
why it is important in this sad case.
8. Did you know that all who contribute to a direct abortion are
excommunicated? Why do you think the Church is so severe in this
matter? Do you think you could give the necessary moral
instruction to a young person about to be married? If not, how
would you remedy this lack?
ENDNOTES
1. We omit a discussion of impediments to matrimony because these
can easily be found elsewhere (for example, Connell, Francis J.,
C.SS.R., "Matrimony," Paulist Press, New York, 1940). The parish
priest, whom the couple should consult at least a month before
the ceremony, will discuss the possible impediments in the so-
called "pre-marital investigation."
2. Cf. Aertnys-Damen, op. cit., II, # 897.
3. Code of Canon Law, 2350, 1.
CONCLUSION
Parents, the many pages you have studied may seem long and
complex. At one time the author had all the information
compressed into forty pages, but he felt that many phases would
be overlooked if it were published in so brief a form. Time and
space have been given to some points, not so much because the
meaning demanded it, but simply to make certain that you would
think about them daily as Catholics. The subject is not by nature
very complex; but it is most important that you absorb the
principles--that is, take them in so deeply that they are there
unconsciously, to be used without effort. You are not asked to
attempt memorizing a schematic outline of the whole. However, do
memorize, in any of the forms given, the Four Moral Principles
for the unmarried. Memorize also the "facts of life" and some of
the simpler ways of stating them. With these in your memory, and
a healthy attitude developed by the study of this work, you will
be capable of giving sex education. Then you need refer to this
work (or others following it) only in case of a special problem.
For example, if a son or daughter is about to be married, that
will necessitate your rereading the last two chapters.
After spending so many weeks on this subject, your mind is
naturally filled with it, and perhaps you are now frightened by
your responsibilities and your awakened sense of the dangers
facing your children. Perhaps you have resolved to campaign for
purity in your children. Don't! Let this new knowledge fit in
with all the rest that you know of real life. All you need for
the duty of sex education or (now that you know better) education
for chastity, is Confidence, Caution and Common Sense. Let these
three "C's" be your motto. There has yet to exist a parent, with
or without education, who cannot meet his obligations in this
matter if only he keeps his feet firmly on real ground. Do not go
up in the air with worry; it will only make your task harder.
You may be disappointed that you have been given but one "model
of instruction." But the author continues to believe that models
are not satisfactory. However, a series of pamphlets for parents
on each important point are to follow this work. In the meantime,
the annotated list following will supply sufficient models if you
need them. Now you are in a position really to judge their value
and to select what is helpful.
BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE
Throughout this work there have been numerous references to books
and pamphlets on sex education. These should give sufficient
reading matter on particular points. It seems advisable, however,
to include an annotated list of works which may be of additional
help. Those marked with a single asterisk are especially
worthwhile. Those marked with double asterisks will give words
and methods of imparting sex knowledge and training. To the
author, there seems to be no satisfactory booklet from the
Catholic point of view on what to tell the very young child who
asks about sexual matters. However, the suggestions in this book
should be of assistance until the second book of this series is
published.
FOR PRE-ADOLESCENCE
1. ** Bruckner, P. J., "How To Give Sex Instruction." The Queen's
Work, 3115 South Grand Blvd., St. Louis 18, Mo., 1937 (P[1] 25c).
This text is perhaps the finest available. It gives one
instruction for boys and one for girls. It also supplies an
outline that may be followed when using your own words. It
contains an excellent series of principles. It omits, however,
the answers to one or two crucial questions.
2. ** Juergens, Sylvester P., "Fundamental Talks on Purity."
Bruce Publishing Company, 400 North Broadway, Milwaukee 1, Wis.,
1941 (P 75c). This is a good booklet, but it leans too heavily on
the animal kingdom and on physiology. Balanced with Father
Bruckner's pamphlet, however, it gives all necessary "facts of
life."
FOR EARLY ADOLESCENCE
3. ** A Catholic Woman Doctor, "Growing Up: A Book for Girls."
Benziger Bros., 6-8 Barclay St., New York 8, N. Y., 1946 (P 75c).
4. ** Pire, Lionel E., C.PP.S., "The Heart of a Young Man." F.
Pustet Co., 14 Barclay St., New York 8, N. Y., 1931 (P 40c).
These two booklets are longer than the first two mentioned but
are well worth reading.
5. ** Meyer, Fulgence, O.F.M., "Helps to Purity." St. Francis
Bookshop, 1618 Vine St., Cincinnati 10, Ohio, 1929 (B paper, 50c;
cloth, $1.00). To be read by the adolescent girl. Despite a
slightly stiff style, this booklet is excellent.
6. ** Meyer, Fulgence, O.F.M., "Safeguards of Chastity." St.
Francis Bookshop, 1929 (B paper, 50c; cloth, $1.00). For the
adolescent boy. Very good. Same recommendation as for the
previous booklet.
7. ** "Mother's Little Helper." Franciscan Herald Press, 1434 W.
51st St., Chicago 9, Ill., 1952 (P 50c). An instruction in three
parts which a mother might use with her daughter. A bit too
reserved and stilted, but might give some valuable helps.
8. ** "Listen, Son!" Franciscan Herald Press, 1952 (P 50c). An
instruction in three parts which a father might use as a model in
talking with his sons. Excellent in every way. The above six
titles may be given to the adolescent to read if necessary.
However, never give children any book on this subject, no matter
how well recommended, until you have read it to judge its
suitability for this child.
FOR YOUNG TEEN-AGERS (14-16)
9. Sattler, Henry V., C.SS.R., "The Challenge of Chastity,"
Liguorian Pamphlets, Liguori, Mo., 1957 (P 10c). A positive
presentation of the virtue of chastity.
10. ** Miller, D. F., "How To Say "No" to Boy Friends." Liguorian
Pamphlets, Liguori, Mo., 1951 (P 5c). An excellent bit of
psychological retort to the question of kissing, petting, etc.
Can be given to the teen-ager to read.
11. Burnite, Alvena, "Tips for Teens," Bruce Publishing Co.,
Milwaukee, Wis., 1955 (B paper, $1.25). A smoothly written book
that teen-agers will like.
12. Donnelly, Antoinette, "Tips for Teeners." Catholic
Information Society, 214 W. 31st St., New York 1, N.Y. (P 5c).
13. A Teen-ager, Teen Talks. Catholic Information Society (P 5c
each):
No. 1--On Dress; No. 2--On Dates; No. 3--On Decency; No. 4--On
Drink; No. 5--On Magazines; No. 6--On Marriage; No. 7--On Movies;
No. 8-So You Think You've Grown Up? Written in racy teentalk,
these eight pamphlets will be very acceptable to teenagers of
both sexes, though they will appeal mostly to girls. They employ
both emotional and rational approaches.
14. * Kirsch, Felix M., O.F.M. Cap., "Training in Chastity." Our
Sunday Visitor Press, Huntington, Ind., 1951 (P 10c). A good
foundation in sexual morality for both sexes.
15. ** Haley, Joseph E., "Accent on Purity," Fides Publishers,
Notre Dame, Indiana, 1948 (B paper, 95c). This book is an
excellent Catholic work on the subject. Its chief virtue is its
very positive approach to the matter. The model instructions,
however, seem best adapted to more educated people.
FOR OLDER TEEN-AGERS (17- 19)
16. ** Kelly, Gerald, S. J., "Modern Youth and Chastity." The
Queen's Work, St. Louis, Mo., 1941 (P 35c). Is without peer in
the treatment of sexual morality for both sexes. Gives just about
all the answers. Its one defect is that it is written for first-
year college men and women, thus making it a bit steep for the
ordinary person. It is suitable for those in the last year of
high school, but demands study, not mere reading.
17 Popenoe, Paul, "Building Sex into Your Life." American
Institute of Family Relations, 5287 Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles 27,
Calif. (P 25c). This pamphlet by a non-Catholic is more valuable
to parents than to teen-agers. It indicates the impact of modern
pagan sex propaganda and gives some of the best natural answers
for chastity. However, never use its arguments alone.
18. Dietz, Francis X., "What Catholic Girls Should Know about
Marriage." Fides Press, Notre Dame, Indiana, 1960 (B paper, 95c).
A text on marriage for high-school girls.
9. Schnepp, A. F., and G. J., "To God through Marriage." Bruce
Publishing Co., Milwaukee, Wis., 1957 (B paper, $1.48). A high-
school text, mostly along sociological lines.
20. Stanford, Edward V., "Preparing for Marriage." Mentzer, Bush
and Co., 2210 South Parkway, Chicago 16, Ill., 1958 (B paper,
$1.50). A text for high-school boys.
21. Kelly, George A., "The Catholic Youth's Guide to Life and
Love." Random House, 457 Madison Ave., New York, N. Y., 1960 (B
$3.95). A fine presentation of the evolution of the teen-ager
through dating and courtship.
22. Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B., "Looking toward Marriage." Family
Life Bureau, N.C.W.C., Washington, D.C., 1948 (P 50c). A good
high-school text that is now in its fifth edition.
FOR THOSE PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE
23. ** "This Is a Great Sacrament." The Catholic Centre, Ottawa
University, 1 Stewart St., Ottawa 2, Canada ($7 per individual,
$10 per engaged couple; suitable loose-leaf binder container,
$1.50). This correspondence course is simple, practical, and
inspiring; it covers every angle of marriage from the wedding
ceremony to the problem of in-laws.
24. ** Sattler, Henry V., C.SS.R., ed., "Together in Christ: A
Preparation for Marriage." Family Life Bureau, National Catholic
Welfare Conference, Washington, D. C., 1960 (B $3.50). This is a
series of 11 booklets in a folder for those preparing immediately
for marriage. It is for use by groups or individuals, and is also
in preparation as a correspondence course.
25. Clarke, William R., O.P., ed., "One in Mind, One in Heart,
One in Affections." Providence College Press, Providence, Rhode
Island, 1956 (P 50c). A series of lectures to college students
preparing for marriage.
26. Cana Conference of Chicago, "Beginning Your Marriage" (P
50c). This pamphlet, treating chiefly the physical adjustments in
marriage, is for the soon-to-be-married and is available through
your local pastor.
27. Buetow, Harold A., "What Every Bride and Groom Should Know."
Bruce Publishing Co., Milwaukee, Wis., 1958 (B paper, $1.25).
Contains a fine and understandable preparation for marriage.
28. O'Connor, John, "Preparation for Marriage and Family Life."
Paulist Press, 180 Varick St., New York, N. Y. (P 35c). A study
club outline with discussion questions.
29. Kelly, George A., "The Catholic Marriage Manual." Random
House, New York, N. Y., 1958 (B $4.95). An excellent manual to be
used by those preparing for marriage.
It contains a fine chapter by a medical man on the physical
relationship.
30. Miller, Donald F., "Pre-Marriage Problems." Liguorian
Pamphlets, Liguori, Mo. (P 25c). Presents a solution to most of
the moral problems arising during courtship.
31. Lovasik, Lawrence G., S.V.D., "Clean Love in Courtship."
Radio Replies Press, 500 Robert St., St. Paul, Minn. (P 50c).
This contains an excellent analysis of the reasons for pre-
marital chastity and the problems inherent in preserving that
chastity.
32. Meyer, Fulgence, O.F.M., "Plain Talks on Marriage." St.
Francis Bookshop, 1927 (B paper, 60c; cloth $1.00). A good book
but dated in language. Young people usually prefer a more modern
style.
33. Hope, Wingfield, "Life Together." Sheed and Ward, 64
University Place, New York 3, N. Y., 1944 (B $2.75). A fine,
modern treatment of marriage based on Christian principles, of
particular value for those who need to re-Christianize their
approach to marriage.
THEORY
34. * Pius XII, "Guiding Christ's Little Ones." National Catholic
Welfare Conference, Washington, D. C., 1942 (P 10c). An address
to mothers and teachers. One can find in it the complete
vindication of Catholic sex education.
35. Sattler, Henry V., C.SS.R., "Educating Parents to Sex
Instruction." Liguorian Pamphlets, Liguori, Mo., 1957 (P 25C).
Some fresh viewpoints on chastity education interwoven in the
schematic outline of "Parents, Children and the Facts of Life."
36. * Kirsch, Felix M., O.F.M. Cap., "Sex Education and Training
in Chastity." Benziger Bros., New York, N. Y., 1930. This book,
by a pioneer in presenting Catholic thought on this subject, is
exhaustive in its treatment, and thus rather heavy for the
average reader. Though out of print, it is still available in
many libraries.
37. * King, J. Leycester, S. J., "Sex Enlightenment and the
Catholic." Burns Oates and Washbourne, 28 Ashley Pl., London, S.
W. 1, England. Out of print, but is to be found in libraries. The
best rational defense of Catholic sex education available, this
is brief and pointed, but exacting reading.
38. * Allers, Rudolf, "Sex Psychology in Education." B. Herder
CO., 15-17 S. Broadway, St. Louis 2, Mo., 1937. Unfortunately out
of print. May be obtained in libraries. The finest book of its
kind, though rather difficult reading. However, the effort of
reading it will be amply repaid.
39. O'Brien, John A., ed., "Sex-Character Education." Our Sunday
Visitor Press, Huntington, Indiana, 1952 (B paper, $1.50). Father
O'Brien here gathers together a number of fine talks on chastity
and sex education.
40. Buckley, Joseph, "Christian Design for Sex." Fides
Publishers, Notre Dame, Indiana, 1952 (B $3.50). Though portions
of this work are a little too theological for parents, the
material will reward the study.
41. * Wilkin, Vincent, "The Image of God in Sex." Sheed and Ward,
New York, N. Y., 1955 (B $1.75). The theological background of
sexual differences.
PRACTICE
42. Odenwald, Robert P., M.D. "How God Made You." P. J. Kenedy,
12 Barclay St., New York, N. Y., 1960 (B $2.50). A beautiful
picture book which parents can read with younger children.
43. * Fleege, Urban, "Self-Revelation of the Adolescent Boy."
Bruce Publishing Co., Milwaukee, Wis., 1945. Helps toward
understanding the problems of the modern boy in every phase of
his life. It is a statistical and analytical survey of 2,000
Catholic high school boys. Out of print.
44. Knoebber, Sister Mildred, O.S.B., "Self-Revelation of the
Adolescent Girl." Bruce Publishing Co., 1936 (unfortunately out
of print; may be found in some libraries). Fleege gives the chief
findings as footnotes for comparison with his own.
45. Mission Helpers, "Vital Steps to Chastity." Mission Helpers
of the Sacred Heart, Towson, Md., 1960 (P $1.00). Newly revised
edition. Though this booklet is designed primarily to give a
lesson plan to teachers of each grade from 1 through 12, it is
also invaluable for parents.
46. * Lord, Daniel A., S. J., "Some Notes for the Guidance of
Parents." The Queen's Work, St. Louis, Mo., 1944 (B paper,
$1.50). This book is extremely valuable and should be in every
household. It treats many subjects besides sex, and you will find
it delightful reading, packed with practical aids. It will enable
you to integrate sex education into all your formation of your
children.
47. * Lord, Daniel A., S. J., "Some Notes on the Guidance of
Youth." The Queen's Work, 1938 (B paper, $1.25). For youth
counselors, but parents will profit equally by reading it.
Recommended as highly as No. 45 above.
There are many more good Catholic texts which are not listed,
since too many might confuse you. Those marked above with a
single asterisk will give you plenty to do. Of those marked with
a double asterisk, at least one in each sex-age group (for
example, pre-adolescent, adolescent, older adolescent, etc.)
should be obtained by your study group.
There are some excellent works by non-Catholics. However none of
them can be recommended entirely, since the approach is natural
whereas we live in a supernatural order. Furthermore, many such
texts are erroneous on several points, notably on masturbation
and (in marriage) on birth prevention. With so much good Catholic
literature available, there is no necessity for anyone but a
research student to read the other.
For those who would like to give some sex instruction by indirect
methods, we suggest the following books. Almost any public
library has them:
48. Laverty, Maura, "Never No More." Longmans, Green, 119 W. 40th
St., New York, N. Y., 1942. A beautiful novel about a teen-ager.
Contains the excellent instruction on menstruation already
referred to in this book. Out of print, but available in
libraries.
49. Daly, Maureen, "Seventeenth Summer." Dodd, Mead, 432 Park
Avenue South, New York, N. Y., 1942 (B $3.00; illustrated
edition, $3.75). This is a fine novel of a first love affair and
it indicates some of the temptations to be avoided. Has been
reprinted through the years since first being published.
50. Laverty, Maura, "No More Than Human." Longmans, Green, New
York, N. Y., 1944. The adventures of an 18-year-old girl as a
governess in Spain are detailed in this story. How the heroine
meets and overcomes several moral dangers forms the substance of
the narrative. Out of print, but available in libraries.
Similar works for boys and young men are less abundant,
unfortunately, but the following should be mentioned:
51. Goss, John, "Let's Take the Hard Road." The Cross Company,
Box 389, Kenosha, Wis., 1960 edition (B $3.95). This book for the
adolescent boy urges purity in connection with the building of
physical strength, capitalizing on the youth's interest in his
body build. May perhaps lay too much emphasis on this aspect. Yet
the focus of the book is on discipline and self-control.
INDEX
Abortion
Acts
immodest
Impure
Adolescence
and daydreams
and parents
and security
chief problem of
obedience in
psychology of
security and
sex in
Adolescents
and late hours
and love
and obedience
and punishment
and reward
and sex attraction
and steadies
and their meetings
Adultery
AERTNYS, J.-DAMEN, C.A.
on company-keeping
with non-Catholics
on rhythm
on virginity
on warnings of danger
ALLERS, RUDOLF
on marriages based in sex only
Answers
how to give
to sex questions; cases
when to give
Anticipation
of motherhood
of need for sex education
of parenthood
of questions
of sex in marriage
Anxiety
over sex education
over sexual temptation
Approval
for this book
Asceticism
in children
sexual in marriage
Anxiety
over sex education
over sexual temptation
Approval
for this book
Asceticism
in children
sexual in marriage
Attitudes
emotional
judging influences
of children
to the body
to confession
to marriage
to obedience and sex
to one's own sex
to original sin
to other sex
to parenthood
of boys
of girls
to sexuality
to temptation and sin
of parents
to children's sins
to children's temptations
to sex ed.
positive
Attraction
growth of
kinds of
general
personal
physical
AUGUSTINE, ST.
on being in love with love
on shame at being ashamed
on virginity
Automobile
as occasion of sin
Baptism
in miscarriage
in sex instruction
Birth
attitude toward
boy
girl
control, see Contraception
Body
attitude to another's
attitude to one's own
Boy
approach to in sex instruction
attitudes
to other sex
to own sex
to parenthood
meets girl
psychology of sexual arousal
Breast
Breast-feeding
Calling, see Vocation
CARIJN, CANON
on marriage
Caresses, active-passive
Cases for discussion
answering questions
immodesty in general
immodesty, personal
immodesty to others
impurity in action
impurity in desire and thought
warnings of danger
Celibacy
Character, moral
of future spouse
Charts, anatomical
Chastity
definition
love for
Wisdom on
see Purity
CHESTERTON, G.K.
on contraception
on virtue
Children
and sex morality
value of
Coition, coitus
see Intercourse
Communion, Holy
and chastity
and married persons
Companions
Pius XII
Company-keeping
too early
Compatibility
of future spouse
Conception
Confession
and sin, and habit of sin
see Penance
Confessor
and sex instruction
regular
Confidence
in ability to give sex ed.
in temptation
Confidences, children's
Confirmation
Confraternity of Christian Doctrine
approval of
CONNELL, FRANCIS J.
Consistency
in discipline
in rules regarding going with others
Continence
Contraception
Control
of erection
Curiosity
and sex ed.
and terminology
Dangers to purity
Hoover, J. Edgar on
Pius XII on
DAVIS, HENRY
on chastity
on marriage
on modesty
Day-dreams in adolescence
romantic
Delegates for sex instruction
doctor
nun
nurse
priest
psychiatrist
teacher
Delegation
express and tacit
norm of
Delight
Delivery, see Birth
Desire, impure
Despair
and sex ed.
Discipline
of imagination
Pius XII on
psychology of
exterior
interior
object of
see Punishment, Reward
Discussion
aids, explanation of
cases for, see Cases
necessity of
Divorce
Doctor and sex ed.
Doctor's games
Dreams, sexual
Education
Christian
family life
general
meaning of
object of
parents and
positive and negative
school and
see Sex education
EDSON
on petting
Egg cell
Ejaculation
of semen
Embryo
Emotion
idea of
see Attitudes
Envy
of other sex
Erection, sexual
Excommunication for abortion
Family life
courses in
quarrels
secrets
Father and sex ed.
Fatherhood, attitude to
Fear
of childbirth
of sex ed., problems
of sin
false
wise
of temptation
unwholesome
wholesome
Fetus
Fighting
Sodality program
FLEEGE, URBAN H.
on sex formation among children
on sex information in confessional
Fornication
Genitals
Gestation
Girl
approach to in sex instruction
attitudes to
birth
breast feeding
menstruation
other sex
own sex
parenthood
meets boy
psychology of sex arousal
God, and sex
love of
Gonorrhea
Gradualness in sex ed.
Guilt
and birth pangs
Happiness in being boy or girl
Hobbies and sex
Holy Communion and purity
Honor as reward
HOOVER, J. EDGAR
on sex dangers
Hygiene
definition of
Pius XII on
Ignorance
Imagination
control of
sex passion and
Immodest acts
dress
kiss
list of lightly
list of seriously
pictures
touch
Immodesty
cases of
dangers of
in self
with others
definition of
justifying reasons
principles of
for self
with others
punishment and
why sinful
Impulse, sexual
Impurity
and punishment
cases of
definition of
moral principles on
action
desire
thought
St. Paul on
Innocence
Instruction, meaning
sex, see Sex
Intention, evil
Intercourse, marital
answer to questions on
Interests, intellectual and cultural
JESUS CHRIST, teaching of
on divorce
on marriage
on motherhood
on sins of desire
on violence and the Kingdom
Joy, see Delight
Kindness in sex ed.
KIRSCH, FELIX M.
on delegates for parents in sex instruction
Language
how to correct in children
Laughter
and sex education
at marriage
Law, Church (Canon)
on abortion
on mixed marriage
on parental rights
on sex information in the confessional
Length of sex ed. process
LEIFFER, DR.
on mixed marriages
Love
adolescents and
and purity
and reverence
and romantic day-dreams
children
conjugal
expression of in marriage
falling out of
for externals
in love with
of benevolence
of concupiscence
of God as motive
pattern of growth
psychology of
romantic
true basis of
LUCE, CLARE BOOTHE
on realism
Lust
Tobias on
see Impurity
MAHONEY, CANON E. J.
on sex instruction
Marital art, see Intercourse
Marriage
and expression of love
chastity in
compatibility in
grace of state in
mixed
morality in
Pius XII on
propaganda against Christian
purposes of
romantic concept of
sex in
sex reactions in
sex reserved to
St. Paul on
vocation of
Marriage preparation
false
for whom
immediate
parents and
physical examination
qualities of partner
compatability
character
maturity
physical attraction
physical fitness
religion
Mary and purity
Masturbation
Maturity and marriage
Menses, see Menstruation
Menstruation
attitude to
and parents
and sex pleasures
Military service
and occasions of sin
Miscarriage
Modesty
and clothing
of dress and honor
Pius XII on
sense of
training in
see Immodesty
Monthlies, see Menstruation
Morality, sexual
and children
double standard
in marriage
of action
of desire
of immodesty for self
of immodesty with others
of petting
of pictures
of seminal emission
of thought
positive
principles in brief
reasons for
Mortification
Mother and sex education
Motherhood, attitude to
Naturalism
Obedience
Occasions of sin
automobile
"good-time" and
Holy Office on
military service
Pius XII on
schools and
St. Peter on
work and
OFFICE, HOLY
on sex ed.
on sex in confession
Orders, Holy
Orgasm
Original sin
Pius XI on
see Sin
Ovaries
Ovum
Pamphlets
for children
for premarital information
Parents
and adolescents
and example of respect
and gaining confidence
and general education
and marriage preparation
and reasons for not giving sex ed.
and sex education
obligation
Pius XII on
and sex information before marriage
and teen-age parties
and warnings of danger
and watchfulness
delegates of
Passion, see Sex
Patience
PAUL, ST.
on asceticism in marriage
on impurity
on marriage
on mixed marriage
on original sin
on virginity
Penance, Sacrament of
see Confession, Confessor
Penis
Perversion
by elders
places of
schools
work
PETER, ST.
on occasions of sin
on strength against sin
Petting
Physical
attraction of future spouse
condition and sex passion
examination before marriage
fitness of future spouse
Physiology
and anatomical charts
and curiosity
and sex ed.
and terminology
before marriage
courses in
evaluation of
exaggerated knowledge of
maximum female
maximum male
minimum
order of knowledge
quantity of
reasons for
Pictures, immodest
PIUS XI
on contraception
on naturalistic education
on parental obligation
on restraint in marriage
on sex ed.
PIUS XII
on condemnation of false sex ed.
on parental obligation
on sex ed.
on warnings of danger
on women
Pleasure
idea of
sexual
complete, incomplete
Pollution
nocturnal
see Masturbation
Positive attitudes
Praise
Prayer
Pregnancy, see Gestation
Pride
of chastity and modesty
of healthy, beautiful body
of one's own sex
Priest and sex ed.
Propaganda for impurity
Psychiatrist
Psychology
of adolescence
of discipline
punishment
reward
of external stimulation
of love
of sex arousal
in boys and girls
Punishment
and purity and modesty
consistency of
reasons for
retribution
Purity
dangers to
esteem for
natural reasons for
St. Paul on
see Chastity, Impurity
Purpose of man
Quarrels, family
Questions
anticipation
basic approaches of
cases
child's basic
reasons for not asking
see Answers
Rape
Realism
Recreation
Relations, sexual, see Intercourse
Religion
and sex ed.
quality of future partner
Repetition in sex ed.
Responsibility, feeling of
for parenthood
for purity of others
for sex ed.
Retribution
Reverence
body and
for others
Pius XII on
Von Hildebrand on
Review in sex ed.
Reward
Rhythm
in temptation
sexual
Russia on sex ed.
Sacraments and chastity
Confirmation
Holy Communion
Holy Orders
Matrimony
Penance
Satisfaction, sexual
see also Masturbation, Orgasm
Scandal
Schools as occasion of sin
Scrotum
Scrupulosity
Secrets
Security in adolescence
Seed
Self-abuse, see Masturbation
Self-control
Semen, see Seed
Seminal emission, see Pollution
Sentimentality in marriage
Sex
crime
differences
erection
impulse
in marriage
asceticism
restraint
shame and, see Shame
virtuous
meaning of
morality of, see Morality
union, see Intercourse
Sex Education
approval of
Christian
condemnations of
Church and
meaning of
negative-positive
objective of
Office, Holy
parents and
physiology and
Pius XI on
Pius XII on
qualities of good
anticipating needs
gradual
long range
private
repeated
reviewed
Russia on
specialists in
sources evil
sources good
vocations and
Sexes, complementary nature of
Sex Instruction
exaggerated
for engaged
meaning of
model
see Questions
Sex pleasure
female
male
control of
orgasm
physical condition and
rise of
softness of life and
Shame
at being ashamed
sex education and
sex in marriage and
sexual sin and
Shock
SIMON, YVES
on propaganda
Sin
fear of, see Fear
forgiveness of
habit of
individual
occasions of, see Occasions
of immodesty
regarding others
regarding self
of impurity
action
desire, thought
original
effects of
purity and
sex and
serious conditions for
Sodality
Sperm, see Seed
State of life
child and
sex ed., and
Sterilization
Sympathy and sex ed.
Syphilis
Teachers
place in sex ed.
warnings and
Temptation
Terms, sexual
Testes, Testicles
THOMAS AQUINAS, ST.
on evil
Thought, impure
Thrills, bodily
TOBIAS
on lust
Truth
Pius XII on
Vagina
Venereal
disease
pleasure, see Sex Pleasure
Verenda
Virginity
clerical, cloistered
in the world
value of
Vocation
nature of call
see State of life
VON HILDEBRAND, DIETRICH
on reverence
Vulva
Warnings of danger
cases
Watchfulness
WISDOM
on chastity
Womb
Work, as occasion of sin
Worry, and sex ed.