Clean Love in Courtship

Though the following suggestions are directed mainly to girls, they are equally applicable to boys, inasmuch as boys will know what is expected of a decent girl and will cooperate with her in preserving her virtue.

1. Don’t forget that the chastity of your soul and your good name are your most precious possessions; protect them by mutual self-respect. Therefore, always keep your courtship on a high plane and follow a "hands-off" policy and by your manner give men to understand that your loveliness is not to be marred by unruly passion and sin.
2. Don’t permit expressions of love or friendship for another to be prolonged to the point of danger of lust because all sexual pleasure outside marriage, that is directly willed, intentionally procured or accepted is a mortal sin. A selfish indulgence of your own passions regardless of the welfare of the one you "pretend" to love is not really love, but lust.
3. Don’t ever permit passionate kissing to mar your date, for true love is dominated by mutual respect for each other’s character, not by mere emotion, passion and lust.
4. Don’t be so soft as to pay for an evening’s entertainment with cheap kisses, "necking" and "petting," because a man who is not strong in chastity will probably take all you will give. A decent man, even though he may be weak, does not respect that kind of girl. Don’t give a casual friend the caresses that belong only to the good Catholic man you will some day meet, who will be your husband and the father of your children.
5. Don’t be so imprudent and reckless as to date this one and that one without knowing anything about them beforehand. Avoid being alone with strangers.
6. Don’t consent to keep company in a parked car, for darkness and seclusion are favorable conditions for sin.
7. Don’t allow your escort to enter your home late at night after a date; this would subject you both to danger and suspicion.
8. Don’t fall into the bad habit of permitting long "goodnights" and "passionate goodnight kisses." These have brought about the death of many a friendship and killed many a soul.
9. Don’t encourage a young man to visit your home too frequently, or to protract his visits far into the night or early morning, to the discomfiture of your family and the detriment of your own and your fiance’s health, virtue, and reputation. Turning night into day three or four times a week in courtship is not a good recipe for the preservation of health or the increase of corporal fitness; this is particularly true if the long visits are accompanied with an emotional strain.
10. Don’t seek out or continue companionship with others whom you know to be inclined to evil jests and words. Never let your date be marred by a single filthy story, but show your displeasure at once.
11. Don’t take part in dances that may be a source of temptation to yourself or others. In dancing, don’t hold your partner too tightly, lest you become an occasion or a cause of sin.
12. Don’t go to see movies rejected by the Legion of Decency; even those that are partly objectionable should be avoided.
13. Don’t frequent taverns or roadhouses of questionable character; this is a d,isgrace to womanhood.
14. Don’t drink intoxicating liquor; it prepares the way for immorality by arousing the passions, blurring the mind, and weakening the will.
15. Don’t dress unwisely so as to invite lustful interest, but becomingly, so as to accentuate your best gifts.
16. Don’t smoke, not because it is morally wrong, but because it cheapens your personality and detracts from your womanly charm.
17. Don’t hold to the opinion that the only enjoyable date is an expensive date. Real fun is found not on dates where a lot of things are done for you, but on dates where you are doing things together. Get interested in foursome or sixsome dates; they cut the need for adolescent lovemaking to a minimum.
18. Don’t fail to avoid dangerous occupations in courtship, or permit yourselves to be too much alone. Rather, take part in healthy worth-while hobbies and pastimes which you find mutually delightful and in which you can indulge without loss of mutual esteem or virtue. Enjoy good music; read and discuss worth-while literature; attend respectable dances and social pastimes, preferably such as are given under Catholic auspices and with proper supervision; frequent unobjectionable shows on the stage or on the screen; go on hikes with other young people and take an active interest in various wholesome sports.
19. Don’t be so snobbish as to think that the social activities of your parish church are not good enough for you. You should feel privileged and honored to contribute to others’ success by your presence and cooperation.
20. Don’t get involved in a friendship that may result in a mixed marriage, for married life is difficult enough without having a difference of religion and moral outlook as a cause for further trouble, such as the question of divorce, birth control, Catholic education.
21. Don’t disregard the voice of your conscience upon returning from a date. If that voice is joyous and peaceful, your company-keeping is good and clean. If it is sad, remorseful, accusing, something is wrong in your company-keeping, something that must be corrected at once or else the company-keeping must cease. The state of your conscience is a decisive test.
22. Don’t get serious about a boy who is not willing to prove himself by avoiding sin, especially impurity and drunkenness, frequenting the sacraments at least each month, and spending a reasonable amount of time in prayer daily. Never think of marrying someone who will not be able to make you better for living with him, for the foundation of a happy marriage is a holy love which will enable you to aid each other to practice virtue and fulfill your duties.
23. Don’t neglect to use the means of grace God has given you to keep pure. The best protection against falling a prey to one’s passions is regular Confession and frequent Holy Communion (preferably each week, or even daily), because these sacraments give you special actual graces to help you practice virtue and avoid sin. Other aids are daily Holy Mass, the cultivatior of will’ power through little acts of self-denial, the avoidance of dangerous occasions of sin, the counsel of one’s regular confessor, the reading of good books, the companionship of virtuous friends, the daily Rosary and frequent recourse to God and Our Lady in prayer.

Dear Teen-ager:

Company-keeping prepares you for marriage. Every date has an influence upon your future. You sometimes need forcible reminders lest wild desire for fun bring tragedy. Right or wrong companions can make or break your life. You should know exactly what is morally right and wrong on dates; this you will learn from the contents of this booklet. Though girls or boys don’t rush madly out to sins of impurity, all too often they are tricked into what they were not properly warned against. Now God gave you a fourth commandment: "Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother." Your conscience tells you to obey your parents as God’s representatives. They are responsible for you. They are right in fearing moral dangers from "solo" dates and friendships with doubtful characters. They also have a right and duty to make rules regulating your dates, because they really want to protect your fun and your future. The best thing to do is sit down with your mother or father and talk things over. They are your best friends. Let them decide what is right or wrong. Obey the rules they make concerning your life, and dating in particular.

Keep in Mind the Following Simple Suggestions

1. You must have permission for dates. Permission can be given on a general basis (every Friday night you may attend school games and parties); or on a date-by-date basis (you may go to the basketball dance next Saturday). Your mother and father need not know each detail of dates, but they should have the general picture.
2. Always ask permission if you intend to be away all night; this should be only with families your parents know and trust.
3. Your parents have a right and duty to make some rules about cars and about the beginning and end of dates. The boy should call for the girl at her home, come in and meet the folks, bring her home and say good-bye (not at great length) at the door. Prolonged farewells in cars easily become dangerous. It is sometimes best to keep your dates on a group basis, that is, house parties, dances, skating parties. Group dates can be frequent in high school; "solo" dates should be spaced out. Too much dating can very soon breed violent infatuation. And familiarity breeds a lot more than contempt; it leads you into sin. Silly "going steady" (exclusively with one boy or girl) has ruined many a promising youngster and even many a possible good marriage.
4. Build up ideals in your mind. Obey rules because you are convinced they are sensible; this is far better than blind or reluctant obedience. Obey and respect your parents because they have your welfare at heart and wish to please God and protect your future.
5. Your best assurance of a pure and happy youth is a close and tender friendship with Jesus and Mary. Such a friendship is fostered by at least monthly Confession, frequent Holy Communion (weekly, or even daily), regular prayer, especially the daily Rosary.

Your most powerful ally in your noble struggle for decency is your religion. It takes you by the hand, guiding you over the pitfalls that beset your way, and puts your feet safely upon the paths that lead to the sunlit mountain peaks of nobility of character and purity. Not only does it make clear the moral law and supply sanctions for its observance, but it offers you aids to carry out that law.

While the preservation of purity calls for a constant and determined struggle, you are not Struggling single-handedly. God is always ready and willing to help you with His grace. "God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which you are able, but will make also with temptation issue, that you may be able to bear it." (Cor. 10:13.) With God’s all-powerful help, you can win everY victory. This grace of God is obtained through the sacraments, prayer, self-denial, and a tender love for Jesus and Mary.

Regular confession keeps your soul in order. It is God’s means of ridding you of and preserving you from the greatest evil in the world—sin. For this reason it is a source of peace and joy.

In the Sacrament of Penance:

1. You receive sanctifying grace if it has been lost by mortal sin (this grace is increased if it had not been lost)
2. Your sins are forgiven
3. Yyou are freed from eternal punishment due to any mortal sin, and from a part, at least, of the temporal punishment due to your sins
4. You receive actual grace, which is God’s help to enable you to do good and avoid sin in the future
5. You get back the merits of the good works you have lost by mortal sin.

Remember that the most important part of confession is not so much the telling of your sins, as perfect sorrow for them. Your contrition is perfect when you are sorry because your sins offended God, whom you should love above all things for His own sake. But contrition is also a hatred for the sins you committed, with a firm purpose of sinning no more. This means that you must really want to make up your mind not to sin any more and to try hard to keep away from whatever leads to sin, such as bad companions, bad places, bad reading. If you do not really want to keep away from mortal sin and from whatever will surely lead you into it, you make a bad confession.

In confessing sins of impurity, remember the following:

1. If you have real mortal sins to confess, then you must tell what you did and how often you did it. A confessor must know the kind of sin (self- abuse, immodest embracing, fornication) and the number of times; otherwise he may not give absolution. This does not mean’ that yen must give a detailed description of your thoughts or acts.
2. If you are confessing sins of impurity and you mean only venial sins (negligence in regard to thoughts, lack of sufficient reason in external acts) or mere temptations (imaginations or feelings that were not wilful), then indicate this to the confessor by saying, "I had bad thoughts, but they were not wilful" or "I tried to get rid of them." Otherwise he may think you mean mortal sins.
3. If you wish to confess doubtful sins (you doubt about consent, or whether you confessed the matter before), mention your doubt. Strictly speaking, doubtful sins do not have to be confessed, though it is better to do so, unless your confessor decides otherwise. Nor do you have to abstain from Holy Communion when you merely doubt whether you have sinned. You must be absolutely sure of having committed a mortal sin before you can say that you are not able to go to Communion. However, you should make an act of perfect contrition which will dispose your soul for the reception of the Sacrament.
4. If you have difficulties iii regard to chastity or if you are inclined to be scrupulous, you should have a regular confessor. His advice will be more valuable since he will know the condition of your soul and the problems you must meet. Trust him, for God commissioned him to be your friend and your soul’s guardian.

Go to Confession every week or at least once a month. This will enable you not only to cleanse your soul from sin, but also to correct your faults and keep yourself pleasing to God. It is one of the best means of keeping courtship clean and happy.

Frequent Holy Communion, because of its wonderful effects, is the surest guarantee of keeping your youth and company-keeping pure and happy.

1. Holy Communion unites you more closely with Jesus, the Model of purity and the Author of all spiritual energy and holiness. You live in Him and He lives in you, for He said, "He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood, abides in Me and I in him."
2. Holy Communion gives you an increase of sanctifying grace, which makes you an adopted child of God, a temple of the Holy Ghost, and gives you a right to heaven. Sanctifying grace is the life of your soul, while mortal sin is its death. Our Lord said, "Unless you eat the Flesh of the Son of man and drink His Blood, you shall not have life in you." Sanctifying grace also makes you holy and pleasing to God. It adorns your soul with the only kind of beauty that is really worth striving for.
3. Holy Communion gives you sacramental or actual grace, which entitles you to special help in times of temptation and in the discharge of your duties, for it enlightens your mind and strengthens your will to do good and avoid evil. For this reason Holy Communion is a medicine for your soul when it becomes sick because of sin.
4. Holy Communion remits a part, or all, of the temporal punishments due to your sins.
5. Holy Communion is the best assurance that your prayers will be heard, if it is God’s will; for Jesus said, "If you abide in Me, and if My words abide in you, ask whatever you will and it shall be done to you." No prayer can be more effective than that said after Holy Communion when Jesus is present in your heart as God and Man, as your best Friend, ready to help you by means of the many graces He wishes to grant you. At Holy Communion you can ask Him to help you overcome the temptations you meet with in the world. He will give you the strength you need to keep pure and to be faithful to His holy commandments which are the foundation of true happiness. You should fear nothing, if you are equipped with the strongest spiritual weapon—Holy Communion. It prevents mortal sin—the greatest evil in the world—from taking root in your soul and even washes away the stains of venial sin so long as you have no affection for it nor desire to commit it in the future. The coming of Jesus in Holy Communion awakens new love in your heart and encourages you to live in purity and sinlessness, which is a necessary condition for happiness.

Our Lord wants you to receive Holy Communion often. It was for this reason that He gave you this Sacrament as a source of grace so that you might live as a good Catholic and save your soul. This was His last will expressed at the Last Supper: "Take and eat; this is My Body, which is being given for you; do this in remembrance of Me." As priests say Mass each day and receive Holy Communion to fulfill this last wish of Jesus, the faithful should do likewise by receiving Holy Communion daily if it is at all possible. For the first four centuries of Christianity the people received Holy Communion each time they assisted at Mass, for Communion is one of the principal parts of Mass. You miss so very much when you neglect to receive Communion during Mass. It is not a complete Mass. At the consecration you have given the heavenly Father His own beloved Son as the greatest gift you could offer Him in adoration, thanksgiving, atonement and petition; at Communion the heavenly Father wishes to return that Gift to you as the best He can offer you; but you refuse the Gift. And you need Jesus so very much; He does not need you! Live according to this principle: Always a Communion at my Mass.

Holy Mother Church earnestly wishes that you go to Holy Communion often, even daily, if possible. She speaks in the name of our Lord through the voice of Pope Pius X, the Pope of the Eucharist, "All the faithful, married or single, young or old, even children from the time of their first Communion are invited to go to Holy Communion frequently; yes, daily." Holy Mother Church requires only two things: (a) the state of grace. This means you must be free from every mortal sin and must have made up your mind never to commit a mortal sin again. Doubts about whether you are in the state of grace or not do not keep you from receiving. Make an act of contrition and go without any fear. You must be certain that you have committed a mortal sin before you can say that you may not receive. Venial sins do not keep you away. Be sorry for them and come to the Holy Table. The fact that you were not at Confession does not keep you away, as long as you are not in the state of mortal sin. Confession at least every two or three weeks is advisable for frequent communicants, but not necessary. If you cannot receive Holy Communion each morning, go at least on Sundays. (b) A right and good intention. This means that you should not go out of mere habit, or because others are going, or because you want to be seen by people. You should go to please God, to be united with Him by love, and to receive Holy Communion as a divine medicine for your sins and faults.

The saints, too, urge you by their words and example to receive Communion often. It was especially by receiving this heavenly food that they became saints.

Your own soul urges you to frequent Communion. It needs this spiritual food and strength to keep from sin and become holy. Your most important duty in life is to save your soul by serving God.

All that you desire in this life—peace and joy, success and health—depends upon God’s blessing, which you receive above all when you are united with Jesus in Holy Communion. Come to Holy Communion daily if you can!

Prayer is an unfailing means of grace and salvation. Our Lord said, "Ask and you shall receive. "It is a particularly strong defense in time of temptation, for God will come to your aid when you call upon Him in your struggle against the serpent of impurity.

Try to be always on friendly terms with God by getting into the good habit of praying frequently during the day by means of little ejaculatory prayers and aspirations. If you regularly spend some time with God each day, you will find it easy to call upon Him when you need Him. Prayer lifts you above the sordid things of this world. It purifies your mind and strengthens your will. It keeps your soul seeking after God alone—the real purpose of life! With the weapon of prayer at your disposal, you are invincible.

Prayer will keep you very close to your best Friends—Jesus and Mary. Never let a day pass without asking Them to keep you from sin. Never go on a date without first asking Their blessing and protection and presence. A powerful prayer that has always kept young people pure and happy is the Holy Rosary. Pledge yourself to say it daily, especially if you are contemplating marriage. You can hardly make a better preparation. Keep your conversation with God, Our Lady, the angels, the saints; and you will walk among the stars!

A general spirit of self-denial is manifested by self-control. This is most important if you want to keep your dating chaste and happy. Self-control can be exercised in these ways:

1. Though you cannot prevent feeling pleasurable sensations and disturbing imaginations, and cannot at times get rid of them, yet your will can refrain from consenting to and approving them; it can refrain from any external action that these things may urge you to do. Your will can avoid even the sources of stimulation so that the sexual passions not even aroused, e.g., questionable books and movies, improper speech and intimacies.
2. Keep interested in something; otherwise you may easily turn to amuse yourself with conduct that is either sinful in itself or that quickly leads to sin. This will keep you from developing a morbid interest in sex.
3. Cultivate a sincere, wholesome attitude that sees other things in life besides sex, so that you may not react readily to sexual suggestions.
4. Never let a day pass without denying yourself some lawful pleasure in eating, drinking, or entertainment for the love of God. If you can deny yourself in little things, you will be able to deny yourself in time of temptation.

Your cross in life is these temptations, these forbidden yet attractive pleasures. But Christ said, "If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me . . . he that shall save his life shall lose it; and he that shall lose his life, for My sake, shall save it." By the cross of Christian chastity you will most assuredly suffer, but you have nothing to lose but everything worthwhile to gain. Hold fast to the glory of your shining innocence! Nothing you can ever gain will compensate you for its loss. Your fidelity to your ideals may cost you much in money, in friends, in sacrifice. But the surrender of your ideals will cost you more. For a passing gain you will barter eternity. A good conscience will be your sure reward. Only the heart without a stain knows perfect peace and joy.

Avoiding occasions of sin is but a form of selfdenial. You need God’s grace if you wish to be pure, but you must cooperate with that grace. You may receive the Sacraments frequently, attend novena services, make the First Fridays—all with the intention of not sinning against purity in your companykeeping. And yet you may not be using the means at your command to avoid the proximate occasions of sinning. If you know that someone or something is an immediate occasion of sin for you, avoid that person or thing. You cannot be pure if you insist on putting yourself in danger of losing your purity, by deliberately remaining in a parked car with your friend in some lonely place, or by remaining together for a long time indulging in "petting" and "necking," kissing and embracing. Your prayers to God for purity will be lies if you expect Him to save you from sin when you knowingly and willingly place yourself in the immediate occasions of sin. Until you have given up these occasions, your reception of the sacraments will continue to be hypocrisy. Do not sell your soul to the devil to win over or hold on to a young man or woman. You are losing everything but gaining nothing save misery and unhappiness, and possibly eternal damnation.

Safety lies in avoiding the danger. (If you play with fire you will burn yourself.) If you needlessly expose yourself to the danger of unchastity, you will rarely go unharmed. Therefore build a fence of self-denial around your virtue. Avoid all sources of temptation that can be sensibly shunned. Be extremely reserved in allowing even morally permissible favors to a lover. Learn to enjoy one another’s company without physical contact. Follow the Legion of Decency list and refrain from going to motion pictures that are even partly objectionable. Do not read the "spotted" magazines and books unless there is some good reason for doing so. Above all, shun the company of questionable people, remembering the adage: "Tell me who you go with and I’ll tell you who you are."

A deep love for Christ is a strong motive for chastity, and chastity is the most practical expression of your sincere love for Christ, for He said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments." This love is further proved by the frequent reception of the sacraments and by prayer and self-sacrifice. Remember that Jesus is your best friend and that He is always ready to help you keep your heart clean.

If you sincerely cultivate Mary’s friendship also, you will be pure. To be her true child, you must love the things she loves and hate the things she hates. Purity is her favorite virtue. She hates nothing more than sin, for she has crushed the head of the infernal serpent. Call upon her especially in time of temptation. With her help you will triumph over the evil spirit who tempts you. She will give you the necessary help to achieve the ideal to which she inspires you. Never let a day pass without saying your Holy Rosary and three "Hail Marys" in honor of her Immaculate Conception for the grace of purity; follow these by the invocation, "0 Mary, by thy Immaculate Conception make my body pure and my soul holy."

Pray for the grace and strength of the saints. They had a nature like yours. But "they had what it takes": the grace of God and their own Christian heroism. They would not dilly-daily with the occasion of sin. If you do not see eye to eye with the saints, you are the one out of focus. They knew and loved Jesus and Mary. They saw the value of their bodies and souls. They understood the language of heaven and hell.

You are called to the same Christian heroism. To remain pure is a big task; it calls for the best that is in you. Alone—without the grace of God—you cannot accomplish this task; with His grace, you are all-powerful. You obtain the grace of God espe cially through the sacraments, prayer and self denial. Use these God-given aids conscientiously, and your youth will be clean and happy.

The decision of supreme importance in your life is the choice of a helpmate for life. The consequences of that choice reach even into eternity. It follows that your choice should be made with the greatest care, prudence and wisdom. Company-keeping and courtship have no other reason for existence except to assist you in becoming better acquainted and in making a wise choice. Acquaintance and friendship between the sexes should be fairly extensive. Dances, dramatics, and social affairs are designed to promote such acquaintance. Meet many young people of good reputation and character. Mingle and talk with them in a friendly way. Learn their interests, disposition and character. Out of many friendships you are likely to form one based upon disposition, character, training, outlook and convictions—one which will ripen into conjugal love.

In courtship you must first of all be true to yourself. Because a choice is made while the emotions tend to disturb the even functioning of the mind, you stand at that time in particular need of guidance. The advice of parents, the priest, and of other sensible people of experience should be sought. Do not make the mistake of confiding in no one about your choice of a helpmate in life. This would close the door to many helpful suggestions and perhaps open it to an unfortunate marriage. Love is blind. Common sense can give it eyes. So keep at least one ear attuned to the voice of reason. Do not be content to gaze upon the beauty of the face of your sweetheart, but learn to penetrate to the disposition and character with which you must live when the bloom of youth has gone. Beauty vanishes, but character remains. Do not rely on superficial factors. Character, piety, disposition, intelligence, understanding, sympathy and unselfishness are the things which count in creating a happy home and a permanent union. Be on your guard against elements which make for separation and divorce. One of the chief causes of these disorders is that the couple discovers after marriage that they are mismated; they have little in common. They are uncongenial in temperament and disposition; they differ in moral character and in religious outlook, in culture and tastes. Association loses its charm; boredom sets in and finally leads to aversion.

Test yourself to find out if you are I really called to married life with this particular person. As soon as you realize that such a union does not and cannot appeal to you, gently discontinue the courtship regardless of consequences. It is better to part as friends in good time than to be compelled either to live together very unhappily for life, or to separate as enemies later on. After all, it is the purpose of courtship to learn this very thing.

Courtship should be entered upon with a deep sense of responsibility and mutual respect. Intelligent choice of a mate must not look only to mutual physical attraction, but more so to harmony of tastes, feelings, desires, aspirations, and of temperament. It must weigh spiritual more than physical values. What has begun as a mere sex intimacy is not likely to end in a happy marriage.

In courtship you must also be honest and honorable towards your partner. Reveal yourself and your family and personal stature with sincerity and truth to the extent to which he or she has the right to this information. However, there are certain things of a family or personal nature one need not and must not tell, such as personal repented sin. They are best left buried and forgotten. No one except God should ever know of past sins. As soon as you know that a person has no prospect whatever of marrying you, you are in duty bound to discontinue receiving his attentions. After you are engaged to be married, you can no longer keep company honorably with others, as long as this engagement holds.

Listen to the wise voice of the ancient Church which has seen millions of young couples through happy marriages and has only their earthly success and eternal happiness at heart. The Catholic Church warns you in advance that you will pay a heavy penalty for negligence, haste, and rashness in choosing a partner. Before she admits candidates to the priesthood, she requires them to spend long years in training and discipline, meditating all the while on the seriousness of the step they contemplate. Yet Holy Orders imposes no obligation of greater duration than that imposed by matrimony. Refrain from beginning to keep regular company too soon. If you begin to do so at sixteen or seventeen years, you expose yourself either to the danger of a premature marriage with its frequent mistake of poor choice or you court the hardly lesser evil of an immoderately long courtship with the attendant disadvantages. You tie yourself down to one person and thus lose the social advantages and contacts that will have a great influence upon your later life. You expose yourself in a special way to temptations against chastity, because this love affair may be a very prolonged one, and the danger of violating chastity increases as the affection is prolonged. If you begin "to go steady" while you are a student, you will find it almost impossible to do justice to your studies.

Since courtship limits your interest to a single person, it should not be undertaken until you are in a position seriously to consider marriage in the not too distant future. This presupposes that you have attained the age to understand the great responsibilities of marriage and that you have enough financial resources to establish and maintain a home. Marrying in haste nearly always means repenting bitterly at leisure. Do not prefer to be sorry to being certain.

While the Church warns against courtships of undue brevity, she likewise counsels against those of excessive length. No hard and fast rule can be laid down determining the exact length of courtship. It should be of sufficient duration to allow young people to learn the character and disposition of each other quite well. This can usually be done in a period ranging from six months to a year. Ordinarily regular company-keeping should not be protracted much beyond a year. Aside from the obvious moral dangers involved, long courtships are undesirable because they often end in no marriage or in an unhappy marriage. Grievous injustice can be done to the girl if the man terminates the courtship after monopolizing her attention for several years, and depriving her of other opportunities. Courtship is not the end but the vestibule leading to the great Sacrament.

The following questions will not only help you to fit yourself for leading a worthy and holy married life, but also enable you to choose a partner in marriage intelligently. These qualifications apply to men and women alike.

1. Friendship
   1. Is your friendship morally beneficial? Are you morally better or worse for having been with him, and what can you expect in the future? Would marriage with him help you to observe God’s commandments and practice your religious duties faithfully?
   2. Imagine a crisis in your life (poverty, sickness) that might demand a high quality of virtue to remain faithful to God. Would he be a help to the practice of such virtue?
   3. Does he drink too much? Gamble?
   4. Does he want to indulge in petting, passionate kissing, even at the expense of chastity?
   5. Does he control his temper? Has he a sense of humor? Can he keep a secret?
   6. Does he practice his religion?
   7. What are his views on divorce, on having children, on Catholic education, on frequenting the sacraments?
   8. Can you actually point out any definite virtuous qualities, or are they put on for your benefit now?
2. Agreement
   1. Is there at least a reasonable degree of similarity between you in regard to the recreations you like?
   2. Could you both enjoy staying at home in the evening, especially when children come?
   3. Are there any habits now that not only get on your nerves but which you find extraordinarily difficult to overlook?
   4. Do you both fit into about the same kind of social life?
   5. Does he get along with your family and you with his?
   6. Have you both sufficient health for marriage?
   7. What are his habits of life: cleanliness, orderliness, good manners, good grammar?
   8. Are you able to harmonize judgments on things that pertain to family life: food, kind of house, furnishings, etc.?
   9. Have you the same religion and the same standards concerning its practice?
   10. Have you the same attitude towards children and their education?
   11. Do you feel at ease together, regardless of what you talk about? If you do not meet for some time, are you able to take up where you left off, with something of the naturalness of a family reunion, or do you have to try to work up an acquaintance all over again?
   12. Has he a nagging or reforming disposition?
   13. Do you see his failings, and are you willing to tolerate them? Does he admit them and is he willing to get over them?
   14. With children in mind, would you say that this person would be just the right other parent for them?
3. Self-Sacrifice
   1. Is your prospective companion thoughtful of others and has he the power of self-discipline?
   2. In his home does he show thoughtfulness of parents and brothers and sisters, and do you get the impression that this is his regular attitude?
   3. What little kindnesses, not only to you but to others, have you noticed in him?
   4. When he is wrong, does he admit it and try to make up for it?
   5. Does he easily and graciously pass over others’ mistakes?
   6. Does he look for sympathy too much?
   7. Can he give sympathy willingly, or does some one else’s trouble always bring out a greater trouble of his?
   8. Does he show that he knows his temper, and that jealousy and other unpleasant traits ought to be controlled?

Such questions will bring ,you down to earth and keep you from estimating things merely on the score of fascination. Many of the points are not in themselves important; the general picture that is created by the various answers is very important. Many points cannot be tested out before marriage, but glaring risks can be easily recognized. Though these characteristics need not be present in a high degree at the time of marriage, the beginnings should be present, or at least a genuine willingness and effort to improve.

If there is question of reforming your friend, it should be done before, not after marriage. Do not put your faith in vague promises which seldom materialize. If you cannot get along agreeably before marriage, it is almost certain that you will not get along after marriage.

As soon as you have finally resolved to accept one another as mates, if no insurmountable hindrance is in the way, consult your pastor and set the date for your marriage. You should derive a certain satisfaction from the publication of the banns of marriage because you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Before marriage pay close attention to the instruction on marriage and its ethics given you by the priest. Read a popular and practical treatise on the subject. It may be advisable to make a general confession before entering the holy state of marriage. Penance is a second baptism. It will gratify you to know that you are beginning married life with a soul entirely free from every stain of sin. This is absolutely necessary for those who have sinned in courtship and have been receiving the Sacraments unworthily in consequence, lest they receive matrimony sacrilegiously and thus be bereft of its graces. Arrange for a devotional and inspiring church wedding with Holy Mass and the special blessing of God and of the Church. It will always be a beautiful and heartening memory for life.

The nature and purpose of marriage demand true piety and virtue in both parties in order that they may assist and sanctify each other. There can be no true unity of mind and heart if they differ in this most essential matter of religious belief. The Church law says ‘‘The Church most strictly forbids mixed marriages everywhere." (Canon 1060.) Thus she implicitly forbids courtship between Catholics and non-Catholics. When the Church does permit mixed marriages by granting special dispensation, it is only with reluctance and under certain well-defined conditions. The divine law forbidding these marriages when there is proximate danger to the faith of the Catholic party or their children cannot be dispensed by any human authority whatsoever.

Experience has proved the following facts about mixed marriages:

1. One of the great barriers to unity of mind and heart is difference in religion.
2. Mixed marriages have been and continue to be the cause of an alarming and ever-increasing number of fallen-away Catholics.
3. The majority of the children of mixed marriages are either not reared in the faith or early lose their faith.
4. The modern non-Catholic’s attitude toward marriage is so different from the Catholic’s attitude that mixed marriage almost invariably leads to serious disagreement between the man and the woman, particularly about birth control, Catholic education, religious practices.
5. A non-Catholic can always end marriage in divorce, which is in complete opposition to Christ’s law. But marrriage for the Catholic is a lifelong contract. Christ so ordained it, and the Catholic so regards it.
6. If the Catholic in a mixed marriage is faithful to his religion, he is extremely lonely; he feels isolated from his partner, and he finds it almost impossible to explain the situation to the children.
7. Marriage itself presents enough problems without adding the problems that are created by religious differences.

Since the possible marriage with a non-Catholic, grand, noble and honorable though he or she be, presents so many strong dangers to the faith of the Catholic concerned, you must be careful to tell your confessor at once of the hazardous courtship. This should be done in order to obtain advice.

If you insist on marrying a non-Catholic, you should take the person to the priest, at least six weeks before the marriage that there may be ample time for the necessary instructions. Though the non-Catholic does not intend to become a Catholic, he must at least know what his future partner believes, what promises must be made, the nature of marriage, its duties, responsibilities, and privileges.

Catholics should marry their own kind. Conversions before marriage are often more or less pretended and are seldom the fruit of sincere conviction. Those who embrace the Catholic religion merely to obtain a certain partner in matrimony usually are no credit to it. There are exceptions, but experience shows that very few mixed marriages develop fortunately for both parties. Nine out of every ten Catholics who contract a mixed marriage do it to their own and their children’s serious detriment. If you are prudent and eager for peace and happiness, you will resolutely prefer the single life to any kind of mixed marriage.

Love, courtship and marriage are part of a divine plan. The flame of love that burns in the bosom of sweethearts is kindled by no human hands, but by a spark from the love that is eternal and divine. It is God’s perfect gift to man.

If you have always loved, prized and guarded purity and innocence as your most precious personal possession, your wedding day will be a truly happy day. If you have prepared for marriage by a courtship characterized from beginning to end by a high mutual esteem, ideal love and devotion, angelic purity and unfailing self-restraint, begotten by the fear as well as the love of the Lord and a tender, reverential regard for one another, then you will taste the sweet est happiness that God grants to man in this vale of tears when the priest binds you in the deathless union of the Sacrament of Matrimony. Then God will bless your union with that most wonderful of all His gifts, a little angel in human flesh. You will understand the fair romance and the sweet mystery of life when that baby binds your hearts still more closely together in a blessed trinity of love. You are not only husband and wife, but mother and father. You will love each other with a love as strong as life itself. In that sanctuary of the home, a tabernacle of holy love, you come as near to that celestial paradise as you ever can on earth.